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Best funny new quotes2017

I was so naive as a kid I used to sne~ak behind the barn and do nothing.
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Moderation is a virtue only in tho~se who are thought to have an alternative.
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Macho does not prove mucho.
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You can do anything with bayonets except~ sit on them.
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The first day one is a guest, the second~ a burden, and the third a pest.
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If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
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Me carrying a briefcase is like~ a hotdog wearing earrings.
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When you're eight years old nothing is your business.
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I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
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Who included me among the ranks of t~e human race
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I wish the government would put ~ tax on pianos for the incompetent.
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I don't believe in angels, no~. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a park~ing space. It's worked so far.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that~ fish do in it.
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I had everything I'd hoped for, but I w~asn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for be~ing funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me.
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It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
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Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small an~d tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends.
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Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others' disco~mfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny.
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When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it~ looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head~, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.
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Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
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One of the funny things abo~ut the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.
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Design is a funny word. S~ome people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.
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It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientifi~c cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger.
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Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New Y~ork is the place to go.
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If you have doubts about someone, lay on a cou~ple of jokes. If he doesn't find anything funny, your radar should be screaming. Then I would say be patient with people who are negative, because they're really having a hard time.
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I love Charlie, Billy Burke's character. Writing for him is so spectacular, he's so funny and wry and every scene he's in he just ~takes. There's a scene in 'Eclipse' where Bella tells him she's a virgin, and it's the funniest, most awkward scene I've ever seen on film.
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My ideal prom dat~e would have to be cute, funny, sweet, nice.
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I don't believe th~at anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons a~t different times.
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Part of my act is meant t~o shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life i~s hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
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And remember, it's also very funny, because side ~by side with grief lies joy.
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I've never really understood that. It's a funny t~hing; people sometimes accuse us of condescending to our characters somehow-that to me is kind of inexplicable.
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There's nothing cure or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off.
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When I was a little kid, I wr~ote this play about all these characters living in a haunted house. There was a witch who lived there, and a mummy. When they ~were all hassling him, th~is guy who bought the house - I can't believe I remember this - he said to them, 'Who's paying the mortgage on this haunted house?' I thought that was really funny.
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Some people say funny things, but I say thin~gs funny.
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But the only comparison that I want to Lenny ~Bruce is that I'm funny. I'm Freddie Prinze, Puerto Rican all the way.
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I've actually tried to roast so~mebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.
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It usually takes two p~eople a little while to learn where the funny buttons are and testy buttons are.
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I know what Germans are. They are a funny people. They are always choosing someone to lead them in a direction which they do not want to go.
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I've always found it easier to be funny than to be serious.
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I would love to do a movie with Albert Brooks; we're so different, but I find him so funny, and I can be just as se~emingly narcissistic as he ~comes off, the 'it's all about me' kind of thing.
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Sometimes, comics will make the observation that it's not jok~es that are funny, it's characters that are funny. And i~sn't that true! That's why I always kill jokes. I'm terrible at them, because I get the joke right, but I can't get the character right, and it just goes down like a lead balloon.
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I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to w~rite that I thought was funny but was s~till appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.
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I just love carbs. And when I'm on vacation I definitely allow myself carbs, so it's always funny when people are like, 'Oh my gosh, you look great in your bikini.' I'm like, 'If you only knew what I had for breakfast
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Can someone's true value really be estima~ted? Maybe there needs to be an Edmunds.com for people on TV. That would be funny and possibly cruel.
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The human brain is a funny thing: it's very susceptible to tempo and melody. You put the right words to it, and it becomes very i~nfluential.
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I love being a dad, it keep~s me fit and inspired and children are so funny. They always supply you with acting material
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When you s~ee things upside down, the ego can be extraordinarily funny; it's absurd. But it's tragic at the same time.
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I'm com~ing out of the belly of Iran. It was the only place I was free. It's funny - when I say that, everyone is like, 'What? Fre~edom?' But the freedom I felt in Iran I've never felt anywhere else. Freedom of mind, freedom of time, of spirit. But after a wh~ile, you're so wounded that if you continue thinking about Iran, it will kill you.
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I'm not one to sit here and judge here. But I thi~nk it's funny that the people that condemn the adult industry the most are the ones consuming the produ~ct the most.
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It's funny. People often compare me to other humor essayists. They're usually quite nice comparisons; I will accept those gladly~. But I am always sort of appalled~ at the idea of being lumped with other, more chick-y female writers. And the~ truth is probably that neither comparison is accurate.
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I'm never afraid to try so~mething if I think it's funny. And I know I'll regret it if I don't.
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Comedians don't laugh. They'r~e too busy analyzing why it's funny or not.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is ~wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny
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Eyebrows are really importa~nt because they structure the face. In school it was funny because I was always the one walking around with tweezers plucking my g~irlfriends' eyebrows. I was really good; eyebrow tweezing runs in my family - my mother used to do mine, and I picked it up.
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Funny People' is my favorite~ performance of~ myself to date. Even though it's a comedy and there are serious moments, I really felt like Leo felt like a real person. It didn't feel like I was playing myself. Whether it's a comedy or drama, I just try to make it as real~istic as possible.
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Funny story: I was h~anging out with Adam Shankman for Samantha Ronson's birthday, and Lance Bass was there. I don't really know Lanc~e, but he comes over to me and goes, 'Hey, I just wanted to let you know I'm a fan of 'Pretty Little Liars' and I'm rooting~ for your character.' It was surreal! That's how 'PLL' has changed my life.
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Someone told me I had funny facial exp~essions. I don't know whether I take that as a compliment or not, but.
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I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally tr~y it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.
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I like Jacques Derrida; I think he's funny. I like my philosophy with a few jokes and puns. I know that that offends oth~er philosophers; the~y think he's not taking things seri~ously, but he comes up with some marvellous puns. Why shouldn't you have a bit of fun while dealing with the deepest issues of the mind
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I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat.
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It's funny, because in deference to conventional wisdom, I spent my struggling writer years trying to suppress my naturally baroq~ue literary voice and write clean, spare prose. I finally gave up and embraced my baroque tendencies when I wrote the Kushiel series.
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To be able to make a good living in a challenging medium like soap operas is great. The best is that I get to act~ and am rewarded for~ it. And the people I work with are great. Funny, intelligent, hard working. They're all great to be around.
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idolized built their bodies and became somebody - like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger - and I thought, 'That can~ be me.' So I started working out. The funny thing is I didn't realize back then that I was having a defining moment.
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Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing.
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It's funny how a chubby kid can just be having fun, and people call it entertainment!
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I think there have always been funny women, from Carol Burnett to Joan Rivers. When the audience sees a wom~an, they innately know she's w~orked twice as hard to get there, she's had to prove that she can be the leader, first, and then be funny on top of it. She has to emit a confidence that she's in control.
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I had been asking the universe and God to send me~ a way for me to help me. Show business has been so wonderful to me, and it came in the form of that. It's just so funny how things come into your life, and if you take a chance on them, it might give you a brand new life.
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It's funny, because there are ~so many stereotypes out there about actors and movie ~stars in general, but I've had a great opportunity to meet a lot of them, and maybe it's just because they don't behave that way around me, but I rarely see that kin~d of abuse of power.
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The funny thing is people won't let me pay for things. I'll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, 'Oh no, it's on the house
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world~. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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Working with Dav Pilkey was a ~dream come true. Dav is incredibly funny, and he's been a hero of mine for a long time. It was great bringing the ~'Wimpy Kid' and 'Captain Underpants' worlds together
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Who doesn't love a funny girl who can look sexy at the same time
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Actually being funny is mostly telling the truth about things.
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Humor has become so cliche and boring that nothing's fun~ny anymore unless it involves something totally disgusting that o~ffends somebody or makes them feel really uncomfortable.
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I do keep getting these bad girl roles. The funny thing is that, honestly, I don't think I'm believable as these aristocratic mean girls. But I do love playing them.
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I have funny bones. If there's ever any ki~nd of tension, I'll always be the one to try and be funny to loosen things up.
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I see fighters make funny videos about me~ and stick them on Facebook and get 20 likes. When I make a video, I sell it to Fox and make seven figures. That's the difference.
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I think I have an inner confidence that my tastes are pretty simple, that what I find funny finds a wide audience. I'm not particula~rly intellectual or clever or minorit~y-focused in my creative instincts. And I'm certainly not aware of suppressing more sophisticated ambitions.
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We try to make the name long~er and longer every year. First, it was 'Larry the Cable Guy's Christmas Spectacular.' Then it was 'It's a Very Larry Christmas.' No~w it's 'Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-palooza Christmas Luau.' I'll tell you what it is: It's funny. That's what it is. Who cares what the name of it is? It is a funny specia~l.
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I can't stress to you ~enough how much I can relate to teens being cyberbullied. Something that helps me is looking at old videos of me and~ my friends from ~middle school, or videos of my family. I love watching funny videos of my favorite people - it really cheers me up.
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No, no, I was only funny o~n stage, really. I, I, think I was funny as a person toward my classmates when I was very young. You know, when I was a~ child, up to about the age of 12.
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That's a funny thing, fame. People definitely do treat you differently. When you begin to be successful, ~eople say, 'Don't go changing.' We~ll, that's easy to say, but the fact is, you don't change at all - other people do.
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Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. The~y don't expect it fr~om you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown.
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I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it's ab~out yourself, or whether it's ab~out something else. It's my worldview; it doesn't mean that everybody has to agree with it.
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I allow a lot of room for improvisation and funny stuff. ~I always feel planned.
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My wife is way funnier than I am. As much as I don~'t really feel I share a sense of humour with my family, I definitely s~hare one with her - we find the same things funny.
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I have this horrible sense of humor where I think discomfort is funny - partly because I experience discomfort a lot, and it's a way of laughing at it and getting a release.
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It's funny because ev~eryone says, 'Oh you're r~eclusive; you don't do social media,' but it's not about being reclusive. I like direct contact, and I like contact that's purposeful.
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When I'm being funny, I try not to offend. I don't think m~uch of what I've done has been in really ghastly taste. I don't think I have embarrassed ma~ny people or distressed them.
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Every girls' night needs a funny movie and a good conversation ~about guys! My friends and I also love picking outfits out fo~r each other to try on at slumber parties. It's so fun.
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There's a rule of writing: if everything is funny, nothing is funny; if everything is sad, nothing is sad. You want that contrast.
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I think the word 'pregnant' is funny.
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I read the script for Wonder Boys, and I said t~hat was almost perfect, it was so classy, cool and funny. It's a really specific thing. We stuck to it, it tur~ned out good and a lot of people liked it.
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I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don't have t~o see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.
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With the stand-up comic ~on TV, whether it's Seinfeld or Cosby or Roseanne, more important than their knowledge of how to tell a joke is their know~ledge of themselves, or the persona they've created as themselves. So that when you're in a room with writers, you can say, 'Guys, that's a funny line, but I wouldn't say it.
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And, in a funny way, each death is differen~t and you mourn each death differently and each death brings back the death you mourned earlier and you get into a bit of a pile-up.
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I just like the continue doing what I've been doing. A melange of funny, straight drama, television, movies, a little t~heater here and there wouldn't hurt. So if I can keep doing that, I'll be a very happy person.
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I have a lot of funny friends, though not everyone's funny all the time. Doon Mackichan's my funniest friend in the pub; Nina Conti~'s the funniest with a monkey.
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Lana Turner was ado~rable and funny. Jimmy Stewart ~was such a nice person. I quickly realized that if you're not a nice person, you're not going to last in this business. I mean, once your box office starts to drop off, like Veronic~a Lake, they'll get rid of you fast.
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When I was in college, I was in the theater department, which for anyone who has been involved in any kind of theater program, you k~now that it's really wacky and tight-knit, a real family. Me and my good friends fro~m college would do random shows and plays that were sometimes serious, but most of the time really goofy and funny.
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I used to think that everything w~as just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell
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It's so different when you change~ your hair color, you're treated so differently. It's a very funny experience. It's fun - ~I love changing up my hair.
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The only guaranteed way to make som~ething not very funny is to make it vague.
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Great, big, serious novels always get awards. If it's a battle between a great, big, serious novel and a funny novel, the funn~y novel is doomed.
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The funny guy doesn't get~ the girl until later in life. High school, college, everyone still wants the brooding, dangerous guy you shouldn't have.
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My dad would go to work every day and ~write in a room full of funny people. He enjoyed it. I know great writers w~ho find the process agonising but to me, writing has always been sheer joy.
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People say funny things all the time during really serious moments in life.
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There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I tho~ught there'd be something I'd miss that was funny in the future. If there's a chance I'm going to laugh tomorrow then w~ant to live to experience that.
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Only bad golfers are lucky. They're the ~ones bouncing balls off trees, curbs, turtles and cars. Good golfers have bad luck. When you hit the ball straight, a funny bounce is bound to be unlucky.
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I like bowling. I suck at it, but I like it. You know what's so funny? I have days when I'm absolutely great at doing it, and then I have days when I just don't understand it.
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Her friends say she is very fun~ny. At a family dinner, she stood to go, and the footman very properly pulled her chair away. At that mo~ment I asked her a question and she sat down again, except there was no chair. Everyone, including the Queen, laughed and laughed.
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Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.
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I saw 28 Days. I don't remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground. It's a big~ landfill.
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Funny is not a color. Being b~lack is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone.
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A lot of newspaper columns used to be written in a rat-a-tat-tat, fast-paced style - and they tended to be funny. T~hey were a little relief from the grimmer, grayer parts of the newspaper, and one of the best people at doing this was Will Rogers.
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It's funny that a lot of the fans of 'Angel' have come over and hung out with me on 'Leverage.' I was so fortunate to have been on that show. It created one of the best fan groups ever. I just have the best fans in the ~world.
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When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again.
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I wear black skinny-fit jeans - I can't get away from them. It's funny because I wore baggy jeans for ag~es, then one day my fri~end convinced me to try on a skinny pair and I thought they were great.
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I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slav~ery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican.
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Funny, how moms can tell you what to do no matter how old or big you are.
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I always have a funny sto~ry at communion time that underscores that no one is perfect, and that communion is not for perfect people but for hungry people.
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The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you t~hink is funny and makes you laugh.
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What I don't like is when I see stuff that I know has had a lot of improv done or is playing around where there's no ~purpose to the scene other than to just be funny. What you don't want is funny scene, funny scene, funny scene, and now here's the epiphany scene and then the movie's over.
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I'd love to become like Bill Murray, who was so funny on 'Saturday Night Live' and has gone on to do some of the la~ndmark comedies people like. And then to add this whole other phase to his career with 'Lost in Translation' and 'Rushmore.' I always felt to be able to have something similar to that would be great.
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Europe is scooters. Europe is five young people on one bench sharing a chocolate bar. Their idea of entertainment a~nd fun is so much different than ours, which is exactly why a movie about them would be funny.
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Often, joking for me is a ~way of diffusing the awkwardness of a situation, so it's kind of exhilarating to be a part of projects where there's nothing funny or lighthearted.
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I'd love to become like Bill Murray, who was so funny on 'Saturday Night Live' and has gone on to do some of the landmar~k comedies people like. And then to add this whole other phase to his career with 'Lost in Translation' and 'Rushmore.' I always felt to be able to have something similar to that would be great.
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Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produ~ces the most funny.
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I'm very lighthearted, outgoing, frie~ndly, and funny, so I like to try new things.
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I think it's great to see how they've grown up, not just as actors but as people. They're still very much the same kid~s that I met many years ago. They've grown up and they are funny and wicked and naughty and bright, and I think as actors thei~r work is just getting better and better. They've blossomed.
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I'd love to do a comedy. I'm te~rrified of comedy. I don't think I'm funny, but I guess that's why it's so thrilling.
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In preschool, I would plan out my show-and-tell every week to be funny and exciting. Then in first grade I wrote a play, and my classma~tes and I performed it as a puppet show.
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It's funny how the ru~thless, murderous gangster has really been romanticized by the media. I mean, I grew up watching the 'Godfathers' a~nd 'Scarface,' and they were the coolest. They're just really interesting stories with great characters. They're rock stars.
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The only movie I can w~atch on a loop, over and over, is 'Help', the Beatles movie. It's so funny and irreverent and great.
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Game design is a funny thing. There are people out there who are really good at it, but it's not clear that they can teach it. It's a very ~~intuitive process. It's an art.
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I refuse to dress 'hot' for Halloween, 'cau~se I always have to have makeup and hair and look cute for my job. So on Halloween, I either go gory or weird or funny.
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Ignoring fame was my rebellion, in a funny way. I was insistent on being normal and doing normal things. It probably wasn't~ advisable to go to college in Am~~merica and room with a complete stranger. And it p~robably wasn't wise to share a bathroom with eight other people in a coed dorm. Looking back, that was crazy.
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I think it's one of those funny things - sometimes you're not really friends with somebody until you've gotten into a good fight, and I think that's the situation with Superman and Batman.
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I love every minute of fatherhood, staying up all night, changing nappies, kids crying, I find it really funny and inspiring. It connects you to the world in a new way.
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Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
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There's only one true superpower amo~ngst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh.
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If you're serious, you really understand that it's important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you're the funn~~iest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you're funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.
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Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a profe~ssional funny guy.
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Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
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Someone said to me at a ~party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I just wanted to say, 'Well, I'm just going to take this conversation we're having and then repeat that to strangers, and t~hen that's the joke. You're the joke later.
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Being funny wasn't a career choice growing up, it was my way out of situations; a way to survive another day.
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There is nothing funny abo~ut Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.
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Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet ca~n reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.
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I've never met a funny person who wasn't smart. I've met a lot of dramatic people who were stupid. But I've never met a~ funny person who wasn't smart.
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I'd love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.
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If you could cross a lion and a monkey, that's what I'd be, because monkeys are funny and lions are strong.
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I try to sign for as ma~ny kids as possible. Kids come first, and I'll always sign for a kid before an adult. It's funny, because I was never big into autographs as a kid. The only player who I ever wanted an autograph from was Dave Winfi~eld.
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As I get older, all sorts of things become l~ess funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children.
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I tend to play characters that I can infuse with certain kinds of humour. Even the baddest guy can be funny in his own particul~ar way. I want the audience to engage with the character on some deeper level so that they leave the cinema still thinking about him.
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Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.
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I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny.
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Try to find someone with a sense of humor. That's an important thing to have because when you get into an ar~gument, one of the ~best ways to diffuse it is to be funny. You don't want to hide away from a point, because some points are serious, but~ you'd rather have a discussion that was a discussion, rather than an argument.
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You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things.
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Animals are sentient, intelli~gent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children.
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Stories in families are colossally imp~ortant. Every family has stories: some funny, some proud, some embarrassing, some shameful. Knowing them is proof of belonging to the family.
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I like to have fun, but I don't think of myself as being funny. But I'm a big jokester, so I make fun of myself a lot
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When I was a kid, I used to watch '~Laurel and Hardy' with my cousins all the time. I still think they're extremely funny and so surreal.
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I just recently joined Twitter. It's very positive - I love all the accolades. If my ego is hurting, I can just open my Twitter accou~nt and see 'Oh, I love you! I love the show!' and it's great. I'm trying to find the balance between trying to be funny, being honest a~nd just being a promoter as the guy on 'Royal Pains.
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The moment I was int~roduced to my wife, Emma, at a party I thought, here she is - and 20 minutes later I told her she ought to marry ~me. She thought I was as mad as a rat. She wouldn't even give me her telephone number - and she wrote in her diary: 'A funny little man asked me to marry him.
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All you can do is really the prep work and make sure you're ready to hit each golf shot. Outside of that, you're not sure real~ly what's going to happen. It's a funny game, but I think that's why I love it. You never know, one day to the next; you c~ould go shoot 62, and the next day you're going to shoot 78, and you can't predict it.
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It's a funny thing that when a man h~asn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
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You know, fame is a funny thing, man, especially, you know, actors, musicians, rappers, rock singers, it's kind of a lifesty~le and it's easy to get caught up in it - you go to bars, you go to clubs, everyone's doing a certain thing... It's tough.
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The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
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You know the funny thing, I don't get a~long with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people.
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Do you want me to apologize after every jok~e? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.
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It seems like everybody's percepti~on of me is very bipolar. To one group, it's overpaid, overrated; to another group, it's underpaid, underrated, underdog. It's funny to me because there's no real balance.
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Mariah is a beautiful and talented person, and I've had a crush on her for as long as I can remember. Every day, my respect for ~Mariah continues to grow higher. She's a caring, warm and funny person. People have no idea how funny she is! I fee~l like I've always known she was my forever love.
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There's always going to be someone as funny as you or funnier.
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I liked comedy as a kid. When I wa~s a kid, I'd go to sleep to, like, Bill Cosby albums every night. I'd listen to 'Bill Cosby Is A Very Funny Fellow... Right!' and 'Wonderfulness,' which are two of his most famous albums. Then the n~ext night, I'd flip them over, 'cause it was the old stackable turntable.
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Being effective at social media, whether for bus~iness or personal use, means capturing people who have short attention spans. They're only a click away from a picture of a funny cat, so you have to make your thi~ng more compelling than that cat. And that can be a high bar.
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I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Ca~tholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal conn~ection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charm~ing and funny for her, and I learned that by being en~tertaining, you make a connection with another person.
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Most comedy is based on ge~tting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh wit~hout hurting somebody else's feelings.
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It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing.
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We are supposed to enjoy the good stuf~f now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again.
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If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
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The key is just to ignore the pain, because physi~cal comedy only works if you see someone get hurt and they aren't actually hurt. If someone gets hit in the face with a bat, falls down, and gets back up, it's funny. If they stay down and their ~jaw is wired shut in the next scene, it's really tragic and weird. You have to pretend it doesn't hurt.
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You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill yo~u so fast it's not even funny.
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I never smoked. I never drank and I ne~ver took drugs. The funny thing is, nothing is more boring, people like this. For me, it's OK. But most of my friends, at least they smoke and drink.
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But I think Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang really got that thing where, if a movie reads really funny and then has some dramatic or violent o~r sinister stuff in it, you can't forget that primarily it has to be even funnier than you read it or that other stuff doesn't work.
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The funniest racism is the racism between minorities. It's something you don't see dramatized, but almost every min~ority I know who's my age, they have these funny stories about their parents stereotyping other minorities.
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There's something dangerous abou~t what's funny. Jarring and disconcerting. There is a connection between funny and scary.
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Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.
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Nothing has ever touched on what fu~n childhood was. Summer holidays were bliss. We made home movies, with real stories in them. My father had such charm and charisma, and made everything so funny.
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I have a rule - 'funny is funny!' When I write comedy, it's not my aim to upset people. I will be offensive, edgy and immature, but I will `~also be very intelligent and relevant. At my shows, there are no holy cows.
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I'm so single. It's funny. I'm usuall~y a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But it's good to be your own partner in crime. God, that makes me sound like I have multiple-personality disorder.
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The funny thing is, I'm so used to not caring what anyone says, good or bad, that unfortunately even when people say g~ood things... I wish it made me feel good, but it doesn't.
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The most exciting phrase to hear in scie~nce, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny.
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The fact is I'm choosy, but mainly abou~y good-looking.
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There's nothing I dislike more than being in a photo shoot where they say, 'Be yourself.' That's not why I became an actress. That's~ what I find so funny: that you become an actor, and all of a sudden, everyone wants to know about you. But I didn't become an actor so I could show you me.
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When you're in the editing room, the dangerous thing is that it becomes like telling a joke again and again and again. Eventually, the ~joke starts to not be funny. So you have to be careful that you're not throwing the baby out with the bath water.
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It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
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Screaming at children ove~r their grades, especially to the point of the child's tears, is child abuse, pure and simple. It's not funny and it'~s not good parenting. It is a crushing, scarring, disastrous experience for the child. It isn't the least bit funny.
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My parents are both really, really funny, and my little sister is a really good painter, and my other sister is a really good wri~ter.
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In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introsp~ective. I don't want the spotlight on me.
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It sounds funny, but my biggest fear is that I'm not perfect. I'm a perfectionist, and I get upset when things go wrong or when I don't do well.
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When Jonathan Winters died, it was like~, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.
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It's not so much what you learn about Mumbai, it's what you learn about yourself, really. It's a funny old hippie thing, but it~'s true as well. You find out a lot about yourself and your tolerance, and about your inclusiveness.
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I showed what I can do with butter, right? Eighty-five percent increase in sales. I'm very proud of them Country Life ads. They were funny a~nd clever and classy like the Toblerone ads I grew up with.
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Yes, we do defend our office as we do defend our homes. This is a constitutional right everybody has, and nothing's funny a~bout that. The only reason they get mad at the Black Panther Party when you do it is for the simple reason that we're political.
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The parrot's so funny. He imitates me and I don't even realize he's doing it. I'm walking around the house talking to myself and whistling and the next day he's said something I've said... it's scary you know
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I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the~ one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.
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Here is my prescription to heal all wounds. Watch the film 'Funny Girl' at least five times, eat at least 45 chocolate bars, and hang out with all th~ose friends you blew off to hang out with your ex. I truly believe that, thro~ugh a combination of Nutella, old pals and Barbra Streisand, we can achieve happiness and, very probably, world peace.
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I know some people say I can be funny. But there is always a deeper meaning to what I say. I am a socialist at heart and have~ the interests of the poor in mind. When people see how I manage to work my way out of tough situations, it gives them hope in their own life.
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Being funny is one of my greatest st~rengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke.
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I think it's harder to go from comedy to drama than from drama to comedy. Seeing you dramatic all the time, they crave to see you being silly or funny. But, seeing you in comedy all the time, it's hard to see that pe~rson go be serious, for some reason.
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I grew up as a very sarcastic p~erson. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm.
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From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
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It's funny about men and women. Men pay in cash to get them and pay in cash to get rid of them. Women pay emotionally coming a~nd going. Neither has it easy.
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It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead, you're made for life.
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To succeed in life, you need three t~hings: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
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I was just a goofy little funny ki~d, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn't serious because I was smart. I wasn't like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious - like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.
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It's funny, when bands or young~er musicians ask me: 'So, what does it take to make it?' Well, first explain to me what you mean by 'making it': Do you want to be a rock star or do you want music to be your livelihood
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The funny thing is that my husband couldn't be sweeter. He looks like this bad boy. He's got tattoos and earrings and a mohawk, but w~hen you talk to him and he's around you, he's such a gentleman. He holds doors for ladies. He pulls out chairs. He cooks. He cleans.
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I call myself the Amusement Park. That's because I'm funny and scary at the same time.
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Memories are doing funny things to us.
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Before, I guess, mum and dad were everything, but now, in my case, I had two new girls and all of a sudden they're completely dependent on ~you and there's a third generation. It's a funny shift all of a sudden. You have the babies, you have yourself and then you have your parents.
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Life's pretty funny when you're objectively on the outside looking at it.
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I've been fascinated by the Internet from the very start. In 2001, I had made a funny black-and-white film called 'How to ~Dance Properly,' a short video of me dancing to a Madonna song. I sent it to 17 of my friends on a Thursday, and by Monday, one million people a day were logging on to view it.
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I'm not that good looking. That's why 'Gangnam Style' works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it's just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it's funny.
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Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick.
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There's a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn't nice, but grumpy is funny.
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Sometimes I am so dry that peo~ple don't know I'm kidding and think I'm being serious. I enjoy this because their reactions are often funny.
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I remember listening to the radio as a kid and finding that the songs always made me feel more peaceful. Funny, but the ~more hurtin' the music was, the bett~er it made me feel. I think of that now when I write my songs. I may not be feelin' the blues myself, but I'm writing them for other people who have a hard life.
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If you are truly offended by an 80-year-old man saying you're not funny, then you're probably not funny.
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Many comedians have a dark side that lets t~hem take a negative thing and turn it funny.
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Maybe people don't see me as believable playing a person of today. I guess I'm just more realistic in a corset and fun~ny hairstyles.
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Being a humorist is not a ~voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate.
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I got attention by being funny at~ school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.
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I know my strong points: I w~ork hard, I have talent, I'm funny, and I'm a good person.
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I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like ~mad to cope with it.
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The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We've all got problems. The levels of those proble~ms vary, but we've all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that's a gift - to you and your audience.
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Do you know, it's funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disad~vantage.
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I never understand when people say, 'Do you do comedy or tragedy?' I don't think they're very much different. They both have to~ be true, and there isn't a great play in the world that doesn't have funny parts to it - as 'Salesman' does, as 'King Lear' does. The whole idea is to reflect life in some way, which means surely you have to have both.
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At home in L.A., Sunday is lazy. It's~ the wife and me lying in bed with coffee, watching 'The Soup' or something funny on TiVo. The kid will occasionally join us. Eventually, breakfast is at a place down the street called Paty's. And we always have some kind of great dinner - my wife makes a great roast beef.
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People think it's funny that I enjoy dreaming so much. I just use it as a form of entertainment. It's very private. I don't see my dream~s as separate. I mean, half the time I'm wandering around dreaming anyway.
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Isn't it funny how babies laugh a lot? I read a toddler, a young child laughs 300 times a day. The average adult laughs, like, four tim~es a day. God put it in them. He put the laugh in us, but I think sometimes we let life get us down, you know, have bad breaks, and we lose our breaks.
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Is everything funny? For me, yes. There's a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why~ it happened or how it happened, there's something in there that'll make you laugh.
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During the Great Depression, when pe~ople laughed their worries disappeared. Audiences loved these funny men. I decided to become one.
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Wikipedia is just an incredible thing. It is~ fact-encirclingly huge, and it is idiosyncratic, careful, messy, funny, shocking and full of simmering controversies - and it is free, and it is fast.
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