- My home church welcomes all denominations, but mainly they prefer tens and
- twenties.
- If absense makes the heart grow fonder, some people must really love church.
- Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
- Noah--he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
- Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
- Pharaoh's daughter--she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
- little prophet.
- What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
- Ruth-less.
- Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
- Nebuchadnezzar--he was on grass for seven years.
- What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
- Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
- David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
- Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
- Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
- Samson--he brought the house down.
- Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
- In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel,
- and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
- What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked
- out of the Garden of Eden?
- They really raised Cain.
- The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light
- in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
- They used floodlights.
- Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
- David--he rocked Goliath to sleep.
- Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
- The thought had never entered his head before.
- What do they call pastors in Germany?
- German Shepherds.
- What is the best way to get to Paradise?
- Turn right and go straight.
- Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
- Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
- Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
- The area around the Jordan--the banks were always overflowing.
- Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
- When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
- What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible?
- It's in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty years.
- Which bible character had no parents?
- Joshua, son of Nun.
- Why didn't Noah go fishing?
- He only had two worms!
- How do we know that they played cards in the ark?
- Because Noah sat on the deck.
- What did Jesus do when he walked into the Holiday Inn?"
- He threw some nails down on the counter and said, "Can you put me up for the
- night?"
- A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle
- of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big
- spoonful.
- When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many
- ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out
- a sample of it."
- A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper
- from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "FOOL."
- The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written
- letters and forgot to sign their name. But this week I received a letter
- from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."
- "Now, how many of you would like to go to heaven?" asked the Sunday school
- teacher. All the eager three-year-olds raised their hands except Cassie.
- "I'm sorry, I can't. My Mommy told me to come right home after Sunday
- school."
- A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the
- passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned
- to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend,
- you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
- To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
- The youth director had been trying for months to get the little boy down the
- street to come to church to be with his third grade Sunday school class.
- Finally after talking to the boy and his mother for what seemed to be the
- hundredth time the boy finally agreed to go this next Sunday, which he did
- and seemed to enjoy all of the proceedings except as the baptismal service
- began he ran out the back door and ran all the way home.
- His mother asked him why did he run home instead of riding with the youth
- minister.
- The little boy answered, "It's all a racket! They get you there and let you
- make all those nice things and tell you great stories just to get you
- relaxed so they can drown you at the end of one of the services!"
- A young girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could
- to Sunday school. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be
- late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" at which moment she tripped
- on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
- She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again, praying, "Dear
- Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!
- But don't SHOVE me."
- "I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said
- after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
- "I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
- "It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has
- been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
- A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
- to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
- One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
- There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed
- to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
- After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking
- gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys
- Dunn."
- And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's
- done too!"
- An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious
- service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the
- act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
- (..turn from your sin...)
- The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the
- police and explained what she had done.
- As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did
- you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."
- "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AX and two 38s!"
- A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls,
- what do we know about God?"
- A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
- "Really?! How do you know?" the teacher asked.
- "You know - 'Our Father, who does art in Heaven. . ."
- A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
- Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him
- the money now, will he let us go?"
- A Sunday School teacher asked a little boy, "Bobby, do you believe in the
- devil?"
- "No," said the little boy. "He's just like Santa Claus. I think it's my
- daddy."
- A six year old boy was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at church
- service: "And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed
- trash against us."
- After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to
- his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
- "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
- "Well, I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be
- more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen."
- A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday
- afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the
- following Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at
- church today. Wish you could have been there."
- A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull over for speeding. As
- the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed
- are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."
- The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no more."
- Dear God,
- I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't
- gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty,
- selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.
- In a few minutes, though, I'm going to get out of bed. From then on I'm
- probably going to need a LOT of help.
- Amen.
- Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head
- covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without
- her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
- A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her
- head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy
- place without your wearing a blouse."
- "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
- "Yes, I see that.... and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must
- wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.
- The preacher came to call on me the other day. He said that at my age I
- should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him I do - all the time. No
- matter where I am - in the parlor, upstairs in the kitchen, or down in the
- basement - I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
- God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and
- darkness of Earth."
- Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
- God: "Call it a day."
- A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession
- box and says nothing.
- The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man
- says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final
- attempt to get the man to speak.
- Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knockin' man, there's no paper in this
- one either."
- A missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a
- lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness
- that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion."
- And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion
- praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "We thank Thee for the food which we are
- about to receive."
- A cardinal ran into the Pope's office and said, "Your Holiness, Jesus just
- rode into the Vatican on a donkey. What do we do?"
- The Pope looked up from his work and replied, "Look busy."
- After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm
- going to give you some money."
- "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?"
- "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
Best Religious Jokes
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