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  1. Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" 
  2. Another one said, "How do you know?" 

  4. First inmate answers, "Winston Churchill told me!" 

  6. Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"





  11. A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
  12. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!''

  14. And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat.

  16. After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers.

  18. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

  20. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

  22. The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!'




  27. 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
  28. I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
  29. Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
  30. In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
  31. The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
  32. While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
  33. A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
  34. And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!


  37. We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
  38. Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
  39. Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
  40. If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

  42. When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
  43. But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
  44. With each part numbered and every slot named,
  45. So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

  47. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
  48. All over the carpet they were scattered about.
  49. "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
  50. Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
  51. Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
  52. "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

  54. And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
  55. That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
  56. To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
  57. With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

  59. We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
  60. Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
  61. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
  62. Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

  64. Then laying the tools away in the chest,
  65. We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
  66. But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
  67. "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

  69. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
  70. And not have to run to the store for a thing!
  71. We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
  72. For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

  74. Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
  75. Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
  76. I'd forgotten that batteries are never included! 




  81. A pastor in Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting.Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear. The pastor stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and sending his rifle flying through the air, just out of his reach. As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! - Lord please make this bear a Christian". Suddenly the bear skipped to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to it's knees, clasped it's paws together, began to weep and said "God bless this food which I am about to receive!"





  87. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.





  93. A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"




  98. A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today!!!!"The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you.""Sure you could!!" said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!"




  103. A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365:"Shall We Gather at the River."



  107. Attorney to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?"Witness: "Approximately milepost 499."Attorney: "And where is milepost 499?"Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."





  113. A young couple decided to wed. 

  115. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. 

  117. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

  119. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. 

  121. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." 

  123. His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?" 

  125. "Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them." 

  127. "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." 

  129. Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. 

  131. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. 

  133. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

  135. "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." 

  137. "No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me." 

  139. Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth." 

  141. "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

  143. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. 

  145. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

  147. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. 

  149. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.

  151. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" 

  153. "Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"





  159. This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

  161. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

  163. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

  165. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

  167. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

  169. The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

  171. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

  173. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talkin




  178. A rabbi, a priest, and a lawyer were all caught in a shipwreck. Naturally, there are a lot of sharks circling around. All of a sudden, one shark darts in and grabs the priest for lunch. No more priest.
  179. The rabbi starts praying frantically, but to no avail, as a shark comes in and eats him, too.

  181. Now the lawyer is really worried, as a shark is coming for him. But, miracle of miracles, the shark puts him on its back, carries him to shore, and lets him off. 

  183. The lawyer, curious, waits till the shark is far enough away not to eat him, and asks, "How come you didnt eat me?" And the shark replies, "Professional Courtesy!"




  188. I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.





  194. A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
  195. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked. The other customers were very confused and some very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, ''Sir, what are you doing!?!''

  197. The man turned toward the teller and simply said ''Looking around.''





  203. Two men are meeting on the street."It was very cold this morning.""How cold was it?"I do not no exactly, but I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets."




  208. A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week. Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?




  213. A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant, "I think I'll just go and shoot myself."The sergeant said, "Better take a couple of extra bullets!"




  218. At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

  220. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

  222. "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

  224. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"




  229. Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every timeanything went wrong, they said I was responsible."




  234. A RVing couple, both born the same year and
  235. month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays.
  236. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and
  237. said that because they had been so loving she
  238. would grant them each one wish. 

  240. Very excited, the wife said that since she
  241. had already visited most of North America in
  242. her RV she would like to visit Europe. The fairy
  243. waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly
  244. appeared in her hand. 

  246. Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for
  247. a moment, then said with a sly look, "Well, I'd
  248. like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
  249. The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was
  250. 90.




  255. A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" The first man approached him and said,"Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"



  259. A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed
  260. an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby
  261. grave. The sailor walked up to the man and asked, "When
  262. do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?"

  264. The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time 
  265. your friend comes up to smell the flowers."





  271. A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line."We need a fourth for poker," said the friend."I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?""Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely."In fact, three doctors are there already!"



  275. A man hasn't been fealing well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. 

  277. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. 

  279. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." 

  281. "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" 

  283. "Ten," the doctor says sadly. 

  285. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" 

  287. "Nine..."




  292. A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change."I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."Nine hands went up."Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man."Too much trouble," came the reply.



  296. An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test. 

  298. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home. 

  300. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." 

  302. So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. 

  304. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. 

  306. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. 

  308. Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ...then he left for his room, carrying all three items. 

  310. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined.. " "Our son is going to be a politician!"



  314. As supposedly reported on CNN:

  316. Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i. e. Expected to attend).

  318. The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S. P. O. C." (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.

  320. The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? "I Fought The Law, And The Law Won"




  325. Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod). 

  327. When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him.

  329. "So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?"

  331. "Not scared ..." Benny growled, "been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now".

  333. "Oh yeah? ... so ...?"

  335. "Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.

  337. Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.

  339. "And since dat time I gotta do it dis way".

  341. "But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?

  343. "Well, I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ...

  345. "Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!" 




  350. While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie. Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"Bernie: "The dog came here to pray.""Oh, come on." says the Rabbi."YES!" says Bernie. Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple."Bernie: "Its true!".."Ok", says the Rabbi, "then show me what the dog can do.""OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????"Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says,"YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"




  355. The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer." The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.





  361. Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

  363. Yours always and truly,
  364. John

  366. P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.




  371. A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

  373. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

  375. The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

  377. "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

  379. "Well, then we need a urine sample."

  381. "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

  383. "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

  385. "I can't do that, officer."

  387. "Why not?"

  389. "Because I'm too drunk to do that!"



  393. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!



  397. A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand for the story behind it." "At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the bronze rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars... following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah sir, you've come back for the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer "



  401. A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor. Assessor: I see you work with radioactive materials and wish to claim compensation. Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning? Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radioactive waste is kept in a lead container. Trucker: Yeah, that?s right. All lead. Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning. Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.




  406. An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

  408. Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

  410. Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

  412. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

  414. The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

  416. The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"




  421. A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely.I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?""I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."





  427. Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

  429. Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!




  434. A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."





  440. A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.

  442. The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."


  445. God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?" 

  447. "Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me." 

  449. "Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." 

  451. "Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"



  455. A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

  457. "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"




  462. A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me."The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."





  468. A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. "Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?" The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."




  473. A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years.They had the following conversation: Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.Woman: Ok. Dr: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.Woman: Ok. Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me Dr.?Dr.: Yeah. You do not drink enough water.





  479. A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him."Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."



  483. New Summer Seminars for Women

  485. The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There 

  487. Life Beyond Shoes 

  489. Money, The Non-Renewable Resource 

  491. How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour 

  493. Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends 

  495. How To Be A Victim Of Marketing 

  497. How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man 

  499. Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World 

  501. How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag 

  503. Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits 

  505. Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection 

  507. Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks 

  509. Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse 

  511. Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking 

  513. How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother 

  515. Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart 

  517. Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper 

  519. How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking 

  521. Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions 

  523. Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection 

  525. When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You 

  527. How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel 

  529. Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way




  534. A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of the company shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

  536. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is very important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"

  538. "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

  540. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I'll just need one copy."





  546. A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,"Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle.""That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?""I don't like her."




  551. After a relaxing vacation, the doctor go in to see his
  552. patient. The doctor says, "I have some bad news and some even
  553. worse news. The bad new is you only have a week to live."

  555. The patient replies, "Oh my God! What could be worse?"

  557. The doctor replies, "I should have told you last week."





  563. While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

  565. �As you can see,� he says, �the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.�

  567. The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, �What would you do in a case like this?�

  569. �Well,� ponders the student, �I suppose I�d limp, too




  574. In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home." 

  576. In a classified ad: "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it." 

  578. In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" 

  580. On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." 

  582. Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." 

  584. In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" 

  586. In a classified ad: "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts."





  592. Great truths about life that adults have learned


  595. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 
  596. There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 
  597. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 
  598. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due. 
  599. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires. 
  600. Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 
  601. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 
  602. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. 
  603. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. 
  604. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely. 
  605. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. 





  611. One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

  613. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

  615. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

  617. The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

  619. "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

  621. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

  623. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"

  625. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

  627. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

  629. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

  631. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

  633. Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

  635. The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

  637. The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"





  643. Young Son: 'Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? 

  645. Dad: 'That happens in all countries, son.'



  649. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.




  654. As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" 

  656. "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."





  662. I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.





  668. After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."






  675. Poor Jim is killed in a Boston automobile accident, but happily he goes to heaven where he gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.

  677. "Sure. Go right ahead," says the Almighty.

  679. "OK," Jim says, "Why did you make women so pretty?"

  681. "So you would like them," God replies.

  683. "All right then," Jim nods, "but come you made them so nice and soft and curvey?"

  685. "So you would LOVE them," God replies.

  687. Jim ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such air heads?"

  689. God replies, "So THEY would love YOU!"





  695. Q: What do you call an aircraft carrier
  696. in financial difficulty?
  697. A: A receding airline.





  703. An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

  705. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

  707. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.


  710. A lawyer addresses an all male jury: "Gentlemen, shall we cast this beautiful, lonely young lady into a dim cell in a prison, or shall we return her to her oceanside beach condo, Ocean City, telephone Number 555-4531?" 




  715. One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.

  717. Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there the chief asked them their names.

  719. "Shut Up", replied Shut Up.

  721. "Stupid", replied Stupid.

  723. The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. "Excuse Me!" shouted the chief.

  725. Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names.

  727. "Shut Up!"

  729. "Stupid!"

  731. The police chief was very riled. He then asked" Are you looking for trouble?"!!!

  733. Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,"Why yes, how did you know?"



  737. A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. 

  739. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

  741. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

  743. "What dear?" She asked gently.

  745. "I think you bring me bad luck."





  751. Amazing Anagrams

  753. Dormitory == Dirty Room 

  755. Desperation == A Rope Ends It 

  757. The Morse Code == Here Come Dots 

  759. Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em 

  761. Animosity == Is No Amity 

  763. Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's 

  765. Alec Guinness == Genuine Class 

  767. Semolina == Is No Meal 

  769. The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet 

  771. A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place 

  773. The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake 

  775. Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one 

  777. Contradiction == Accord not in it 

  779. This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare] 

  781. To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. 

  783. Becomes: 

  785. In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten. 

  787. And the grand finale: 

  789. "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong 

  791. becomes: 

  793. A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars! 




  798. American University Grading Procedures Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams: DEPT OF STATISTICS: - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind. DEPT OF HISTORY: - All students get the same grade they got last year. DEPT OF RELEGION: - Grade is determined by God.DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: - What is a grade? LAW SCHOOL: - Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A. DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: - Grades are variable. DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: - If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A. MUSIC DEPARTMENT: - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: - Everybody gets an A.





  804. An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor."Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?""That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."




  809. A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
  810. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''

  812. And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''

  814. Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

  816. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

  818. And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''




  823. An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him. 

  825. Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."





  831. Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats - nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"





  837. An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?""I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy", said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."




  842. A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. 

  844. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! 

  846. Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! 

  848. Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? 

  850. George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. 

  852. The group was silent for a moment. 

  854. Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. 

  856. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. 

  858. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night? 




  863. Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. 

  865. One day he met a beautiful princess. She had ruby lips, golden hair and sapphire eyes. He fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited three more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5. 

  867. But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. 

  869. Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" 

  871. The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"




  876. Winston Peters is visiting a school. 

  878. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers that, "if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy". 

  880. "No," Winston says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." 

  882. A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy". "I'm afraid not, "explains Winston, "that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." 

  884. The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Winston, "isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

  886. Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy". 

  888. "Wonderful!" Winston beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"






  895. What do you call an honest lawyer?
  896. An oxymoron.





  902. T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas

  904. 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
  905. There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
  906. The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
  907. In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.


  910. The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
  911. While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
  912. My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
  913. We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

  915. When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
  916. I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
  917. To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
  918. Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

  920. I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
  921. Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
  922. When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
  923. My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

  925. When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
  926. I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
  927. More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
  928. Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

  930. "Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
  931. "On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
  932. "Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
  933. Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

  935. The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
  936. Then into my room rose a full hologram!
  937. He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
  938. Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

  940. He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
  941. Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
  942. His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
  943. This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

  945. With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
  946. Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
  947. He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
  948. And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

  950. He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
  951. Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
  952. He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
  953. He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

  955. He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
  956. Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
  957. My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
  958. As he added the latest version of Netscape.

  960. The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
  961. St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
  962. Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
  963. Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

  965. He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
  966. Back into the net with barely a blink.
  967. But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
  968. "Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"






  975. There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
  976. And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
  977. My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
  978. The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

  980. I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
  981. My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
  982. When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
  983. But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

  985. Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
  986. I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
  987. If my names not there, I'll once again start -
  988. Perfecting the art of falling apart







  996. Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening."Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"






  1003. An old drunk stumbles into a confessional. After not hearing anything for a while the Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said forget it buddy there's no paper in here either.





  1009. What happens when people of different occupations get old.

  1011. - Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

  1013. - Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

  1015. - Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

  1017. - Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

  1019. - Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

  1021. - Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

  1023. - Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

  1025. - Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

  1027. - Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

  1029. - Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

  1031. - Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

  1033. - Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

  1035. - Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

  1037. - Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

  1039. - Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

  1041. - Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

  1043. - Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

  1045. - Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

  1047. - Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

  1049. - Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

  1051. - Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

  1053. - Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

  1055. - Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

  1057. - Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

  1059. - Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

  1061. - Old investors never die, they just roll over.

  1063. - Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

  1065. - Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

  1067. - Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

  1069. - Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

  1071. - Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

  1073. - Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

  1075. - Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

  1077. - Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...

  1079. - Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

  1081. - Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

  1083. - Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

  1085. - Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.

  1087. - Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

  1089. - Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

  1091. - Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

  1093. - Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

  1095. - Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

  1097. - Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....

  1099. - Old printers never die, they're just not the type.

  1101. - Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

  1103. - Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

  1105. - Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

  1107. - Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

  1109. - Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

  1111. - Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

  1113. - Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

  1115. - Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

  1117. - Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

  1119. - Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

  1121. - Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

  1123. - Old students never die, they just get degraded.

  1125. - Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

  1127. - Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

  1129. - Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

  1131. - Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

  1133. - Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.





  1139. An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today." "Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?" The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages." The friend looks at him quizically."Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..." "What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"





  1145. Little Anne had been exceedingly naughty and during the
  1146. dinner hour she was forced to eat alone in the corner at a
  1147. card table. When everyone was seated, Father bowed his head
  1148. and gave thanks.

  1150. Then little Anne gravely bowed her head and said "Thank You
  1151. Dear Lord, for preparing a table before me in the presence of
  1152. my enemies."




  1157. There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. 
  1158. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. 

  1160. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"






  1167. One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

  1169. "What's the problem, Eve?"

  1171. "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

  1173. "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

  1175. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

  1177. "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

  1179. "What's a 'man', Lord?"

  1181. "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants."

  1183. "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

  1185. "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

  1187. "What's that, Lord?"

  1189. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."




  1194. And Jesus said unto his disciples, "Whom do men say that I am?"And His disciples answered unto Him, "Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch."And Jesus said, "What?"






  1201. A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them 'How do you like it so far?' 

  1203. The mouse replied 'It's great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?' God said 'Sure', and he gave him a pair of roller skates. 

  1205. The next day God saw the cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here so far?' and the cat replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!'






  1212. A guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary, I'm taking my wife to Australia."

  1214. His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat. What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth Anniversary?"

  1216. The first guy says, "I'm going to go back and get her."





  1222. A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning.

  1224. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.

  1226. "And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.

  1228. Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".








  1237. One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was
  1238. reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of
  1239. Species.

  1241. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both
  1242. those books?"

  1244. "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was
  1245. my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."






  1252. Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

  1254. Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

  1256. Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

  1258. Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.





  1264. As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in serveral night time excersises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation."Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.He replied, "No, just a bit apperhensive."I asked, "What's the diffrence??"He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."






  1271. After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk
  1272. to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets
  1273. the family.

  1275. "Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our
  1276. bodies came from the dust."

  1278. "That's right, Johnny, I did."

  1280. "And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to
  1281. dust."

  1283. "Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

  1285. "Well you better come over to our house right away and look
  1286. under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"





  1292. At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?"Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."







  1300. At the first session of a conversion class the minister conducting the class asked, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?" After a long silence, one of the men in attendance raised his hand and said: "Sin?"






  1307. Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. 

  1309. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. 

  1311. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

  1313. The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

  1315. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

  1317. Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."

  1319. "That's right! You may enter." 

  1321. St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."




  1326. An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was no God. 

  1328. He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

  1330. Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240-pound football player happened to
  1331. walk by the door and heard what the professor said. 

  1333. The football player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, hit the professor full force, sending him flying off the platform.

  1335. The professor got up, obviously shaken, and said, "Where did
  1336. you come from, and why did you do that?"

  1338. The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!




  1343. HEIDI -- noun.  Greeting.

  1345. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence.  Remainder of greeting.
  1346. Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

  1348. BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
  1349. Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

  1351. JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida.  Capital is Hot-lanta.
  1352. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

  1354. MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
  1355. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

  1357. IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
  1358. Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

  1360. RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
  1361. Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

  1363. ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.  
  1364. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

  1366. FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
  1367. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
  1368. BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
  1369. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"

  1371. TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
  1372. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

  1374. TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
  1375. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

  1377. RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
  1378. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

  1380. TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
  1381. Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

  1383. FAT -- noun, verb.  1. a battle or combat.  2. to engage in battle or combat.

  1385. ARE -- pronoun.  Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

  1387. RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
  1388. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

  1390. FARN -- adjective. Not local.
  1391. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."

  1393. DID -- adjective. Not alive.
  1394. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

  1396. EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). 
  1397. Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"
  1398. BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
  1399. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

  1401. JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.  
  1402. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

  1404. HAZE -- a contraction.
  1405. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert." 

  1407. SEED -- verb, past tense.

  1409. VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
  1410. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?" 

  1412. HEAVY DEW -- phrase. A request for action.
  1413. Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?" 

  1415. GUMMIT -- noun. A bureaucratic institution.
  1416. Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."




  1421. A man wanted a big, verocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage."He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer."Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage."Ah," said the buyer, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.""Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached."This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed."This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!""I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."





  1427. Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. "Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?""Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."




  1432. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
  1433. A stick. 





  1439. Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands.

  1441. "What's the matter?"

  1443. he asked of his friend, "did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?"

  1445. "No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, " he sold it to me..."



  1449. Economic computer viruses

  1451. INTEREST GROUP ECONOMIST VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. 

  1453. ECONOMETRICIAN VIRUS - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of 

  1455. POLITICAL THINK TANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until next election. 

  1457. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - nothing works on your system, but all your diagnostic software says everything is just fine. 

  1459. MARXIAN ECONOMIST VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. 

  1461. SOVIET ECONOMIST VIRUS - Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened. 

  1463. MAINSTREAM ECONOMIST VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases then in "self-defense." 

  1465. CENTRAL BANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. 

  1467. MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION ECONOMIST VIRUS - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better. 

  1469. SUPPLY SIDE ECONOMIST VIRUS - Puts your computer to sleep for four years. When your computer wakes up, you're trillion more dollars in debt. 

  1471. ENVIRONMENTAL ECONOMIST VIRUS - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives





  1477. I've been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to
  1478. seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

  1480. I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited
  1481. for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel
  1482. better.

  1484. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes
  1485. then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled
  1486. look on his face.

  1488. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and
  1489. said, "Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is
  1490. very common among losers."




  1495. Shultz, a lawyer, bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the prosecution. 

  1497. The jury was out for nearly a week before they returned to court with the manslaughter verdict.

  1499. When Shultz paid the juror, he asked him if it had been hard to persuade the other jurors to get the charge of manslaughter. 

  1501. "Sure did," the juror replied, "all the others wanted to acquit him."







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