Latest jokes hi jokes


  1. Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
  2. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

  4. The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."





  9. A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge."Toilette pepper!"





  15. The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. 

  17. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." 

  19. The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. 

  21. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." 

  23. The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. 

  25. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." 

  27. "Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down." 

  29. "No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them." 



  33. A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him. He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?""Yes, I am," he replied.St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"The golfer replied,"You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"





  39. A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, ''I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip.'' 
  40. The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, ''Follow me.'' The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. ''Thanks so much,'' says the theatergoer, ''This seat is perfect.'' He then hands the usher a quarter. 

  42. The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, ''The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick.'' 




  47. A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel,and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse."But why?", they asked, as they moved off."Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."




  52. A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna finda fake Jeep?"




  57. The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."



  61. A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas. Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags.I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Carribean?"He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."




  66. A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie dates Badd Teddy for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, Cyber Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00" The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?" "That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....




  71. A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He wenthome, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?""I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."



  75. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."The old man says without hesitation"I now pronounce you man and wife".



  79. A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" 




  84. It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. 

  86. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. 

  88. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." 

  90. The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. 

  92. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."




  97. A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked ''How much is 2 plus 2?'' 

  99. The housewife replies: ''Four!'' 

  101. The accountant says: ''I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.'' 

  103. The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, ''How much do you want it to be?''



  107. A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get.Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, hewatches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee."Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just can't believe it.""What can't you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right there for you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log.""I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my wife could be that much fun."


  110. A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island belowus that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island,whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?""No Morris!" she responded.Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?""Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!"Now Morris laughs."One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?""Oy Morris I forgot that one too!"Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about?"Morris responds, "They'll find us!!"



  114. A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."

  116. "Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"




  121. A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said,"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman's brain costs "$30,000.00." The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?" The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."



  125. A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said ''I'm here 'cause my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.'' 

  127. ''That's quite a coincidence,'' said the engineer, ''I'm here 'cause my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.'' 

  129. The lawyer pondered the engineer's plight for a moment and, looking somewhat confused, asked, ''How do you start a flood?''



  133. A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble inthe countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.""No problem," spoke the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door,and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes latethe same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?"the farmer asked.The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.




  138. A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. 

  140. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. 

  142. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes. 

  144. Then, they get to see where they're going to live?. 

  146. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

  148. At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

  150. By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"

  152. The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."



  156. A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"
  157. -----------------------------------------------

  • A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven,but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing to change venue to Hell. The lawyer asked: "Why can appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?"The devil answered: "We have all of the judges."




    6. A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, ''if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?'' 

    8. ''Absolutely,'' the lawyer responded. 

    10. The butcher immediately shot back, ''Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.'' 

    12. The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. 

    14. The contents read ''Consultation Fee: $25.00.''



    18. A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

    20. A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." 



    24. A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." 

    26. Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." 

    28. Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?" 

    30. "Rain."




    35. The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:"Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.""That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."




    40. "...And the halftime score here at the Colleusium is Lions 7,Christians Nothing. We'll be right back after these messages..."




    45. A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"




    50. Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. 

    52. Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door. 

    54. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath. 

    56. The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub. 

    58. Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. 

    60. After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"




    65. Q: What is the definition "lucky break?"
    66. A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
    67. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
    68. A: There was an empty seat.



    72. A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were fishing from a boat not from the lake shore. The pastor had to make a trip to the port-a-potty located on the shore, so he got out of the boat, walked across the water and in the same matter, came back to the boat after he was finished. A little later, the priest had to make the trip also. He got out of the boat, walked across the water, visited the bathroom and in the same manner, came back to the boat. Still later, the rabbi needed to go ashore. He got out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said,"Do you think we ought to tell him where the rocks are?"




    77. A man and his alligator walk into a bar and the man asks, "Does this bar serve lawyers?""Of course we do," replied the bartender."Great," said the man, "I'd like a beer... and give me a lawyer for my gator.




    82. There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. 

    84. He loved money more than just about anything.

    86. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me. 

    88. He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. 

    90. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

    92. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

    94. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!" 

    96. She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him. 

    98. "You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!? 

    100. "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check." 

    102. Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman.





    108. A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?""Not too good,"says the mother. "I've been very weak."The son says, "Why are you so weak?"She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."




    113. A man from Atlanta moved to New York.
    114. As he wandered the streets he stopped at an antique shop and decided to go in. On looking around he noticed a very strange looking bronze cat which had a tag on it saying, "Bronze Cat $30.00, Story $150.00".

    116. The man was very curious and asked the salesman to explain.

    118. "Well" said the man, "its just like it says, $30 for the cat and $150 for its story".

    120. "I'll just take the cat," said the man.

    122. "Very well, but you will be back," said the salesman.

    124. The man left the shop with the cat in his pocket.

    126. As he walked down the street he heard a strange mewing sound. On turning around he noticed there were a couple of cats following him.

    128. The further he walked the more cats seemed to follow him. As he got to the Brooklyn Bridge he turned to see thousands of cats behind him.

    130. "Screw this!" he said to himself and threw the bronze cat into the river. All the cats jumped into the river too and were drowned.

    132. The man returned to the shop where he bought the cat.

    134. "I knew you would be back. $150.00 for the story," said the salesman.

    136. "Forget the story," said the man. "Have you got a bronze Mets fan?"




    141. A man goes to his bank manager and says "I'd like to start a small business how do I go about it?"The bank manager leans back and clasps his hands together on his gut and replies "Buy a big one and wait."



    145. An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the
    146. Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

    148. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just joined the
    149. Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass?
    150. You must do something spectacular for that
    151. recognition!"

    153. So the soldier comes back a day later in an
    154. Arab tank!

    156. The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How
    157. did you do it?"

    159. "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the
    160. border with the Arabs. I approached the border,
    161. and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up,
    162. the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the
    163. Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3-day pass?
    164. So we exchanged tanks!"



    168. A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."




    173. A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in room 27. She goes and checks, and comesback to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty. "Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."




    178. A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said"Your wife's mind has completely gone!"To which the man replied "I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!"



    182. A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, ''Is there a criminal attorney in town?'' 

    184. To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, ''Yes, but we can't prove it yet!''



    188. A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD"printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would JesusDo", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation. The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm damn sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."



    192. A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait."Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says. The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles andsays, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . 



    196. A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him,"You need to join the Army of the Lord!"The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."




    201. A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him."Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?""I am your guardian angel," the voice answered."Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where were you when I got married?"




    206. A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.

    208. He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"

    210. The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

    212. "Why did you make her so good looking?"

    214. "So you could love her, my son."

    216. "Why did you make her such a good cook?"

    218. "So you could love her, my son."

    220. The man thought about this. Then he said, "I dont mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"

    222. "So she could love you, my son."





    228. A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"





    234. Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.

    236. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?




    241. A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate. 
    242. Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg? 

    244. Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war. 

    246. Interviewer: How did you get that hook? 

    248. Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife. 

    250. Interviewer: What about your eyepatch? 

    252. Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird pooped in me eye. 

    254. Interviewer: And that put your eye out? 

    256. Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook. 





    262. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman
    263. will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.


    266. A woman worries about the future until she
    267. gets a husband. A man never worries about the
    268. future until he gets a wife. 

    270. A successful man is one who makes more money
    271. than his wife can spend. A successful woman is
    272. one who can find such a man. 

    274. To be happy with a man you must understand
    275. him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with
    276. a woman you must love her a lot & not try to
    277. understand her at all. 

    279. Married men live longer than single men, but
    280. married men are a lot more willing to die. 

    282. Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's
    283. no use in two people remembering the same thing.


    286. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to
    287. bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


    290. A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
    291. but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting
    292. that she won't change & she does. 

    294. A woman has the last word in any argument.
    295. Anything a man says after that is the beginning
    296. of a new one.




    301. A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee's application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage.""Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"





    307. The average man's life consists of twenty years of having
    308. his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having
    309. his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners
    310. wondering too!





    316. A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time, robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, DEAD or ALIVE! 

    318. A trigger happy, young, enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track down the bandit on his own and collect the reward. After a lengthy search, the Ranger tracked the bandit to his favorite cantina and snuck up behind him. At the sound of the Ranger's guns cocking and preparing to fire, the surprised bandit sped around only to see both of the Ranger's six-shooters bearing down on him. 

    320. The Ranger announced, ''You're under arrest! Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll drop you where you stand,'' his finger becoming itchy on the trigger. 

    322. However, the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately for the Ranger, a bilingual lawyer was present in the cantina and translated the Ranger's demand to the bandit. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried next to an old oak tree behind the cantina. 

    324. ''What did he say, what did he say?'', the Ranger hurriedly asked. 

    326. To which the lawyer replied, ''Well, the best I can make out he said ... DRAW!''




    331. A minister, a priest, and a rabbi were sitting around a dinner table, having after-dinner coffee and arguing about religion. Suddenly, the Angel of the Lord appears and says, "I will grant one wish to each of you!"
    332. The minister jumps to his feet and shouts, "I wish for the destruction of all Catholics!"

    334. Then the priest jumps to his feet and shouts, "Well, I wish for the destruction of all Protestants!"

    336. The angel turns to the rabbi and says, "What do you wish for, rabbi?"

    338. And the rabbi says, "Well, if you're going to grant their wishes, then I'll just have another cup of coffee!"





    344. Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

    346. The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

    348. The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

    350. The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"





    356. A Modest Essay 3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.




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