New Annoy Unwanted Roommates

1. Do all your homework in the bathroom, using the toilet as a desk.
2. Hang all of your posters up facing the wall.
3. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until s/he pays the tickets.
4. Whenever he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why....".
5. Repeat everything your roommate says.


6. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
7. Constantly clog the toilet and flush till it fills up with water, then close the lid and tell no one.
8. Tell your roommate on a daily basis that s/he is projecting negative karma.
9. Paint the walls in their room black telling them not to worry, it's only water paint.
10. Talk while pretending to be asleep.
11. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
12. Sit and stare at them while they are doing some other task. If they look over at you, very slowly move your head and gaze in another direction. Go back to staring at them, and repeat as many times as you can before they leave. Mumbling to yourself helps as well.
13. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
14. Chew with your mouth open. Works really well with super crunchy food such as apples.
15. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
16. Have really weird friends who have strange loud conversations. Whenever your roommate walks in, you all be quiet and stare at him/her until s/he leaves.
17. Cut the faces out of all your pictures.
18. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
19. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
20. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He/She just didn't belong."
21. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
22. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
23. Dress as similarly as possible like your roommate. Walk closely next to him/her the whole day, remarking "Don't we look like twins?" to any passersby.
24. Cultivate a lisp. Claim it's an accent.
25. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that s/he needs bowling shoes.
26. Listen to radio static.
27. Say everything in Pig Latin.
28. Get some pets - preferably two hyperactive cats and a bird.
29. If you live on the first floor, refuse to use the door. Climb in and out through the window. Claim doctor's orders.
30. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
31. Make your bed 15 times a day. Sleep on the floor.
32. Don't communicate with your roommates directly. If you need to tell them something, call a designated proxy (preferably your parents) and have them call your roommates. Once mastered, try to maximize the number of proxies.
33. When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after s/he gets home, walk out. If s/he comments, act as if you don't know what s/he's talking about.
34. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
35. Clip ads out of Soldier of Fortune and Weaponmaster Quarterly.
36. Eat lots of alphabet soup. Throw out any of the letters that are in your roommate's name; claim you want nothing to do with them.
37. If your roommate has cans of Chef Boyardee, buy dog food in similar-size cans. Switch the labels.
38. Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime.
39. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).
40. Carry a crowbar with you at all times. Dress it.
41. Whenever your roommate goes to sleep, wake up. Whenever your roommate wakes up, go to sleep.
42. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Twinkies in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash, find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that he reimburse you.
43. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
44. Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.
45. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
46. Pick up the phone every two minutes. Then slam it down and say, "Damn, missed them again!" Continue for two weeks.
47. Let mice loose in his/her room.
48. Ask your roommate to pose for a portrait. Leave.
49. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
50. Talk. A lot.
51. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.
52. Frantically scribble something on paper. When finished, eat it. Start again.
53. Set your alarm clock to go off 1 hour after you leave the house for the day. Make sure the volume is turned up.
54. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what s/he is talking about.
55. Take their food out of the fridge and replace it with yours.
56. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
57. Learn to play an accordion.
58. Have your insane family come stay with you for the week.
59. Replace his/her toothpaste with Fix-O-Dent.
60. Learn the words to all your roommate's favorite songs. Sing along.
61. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
62. Put your underwear in the fridge, and on their food.
63. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
64. Build a creepy shrine devoted to the roommate you want to get rid of.
65. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
66. Smile. All the time.
67. Mention that you spent some years as a student revolutionary hiding in Canada. Stop. Look over your shoulder.
68. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
69. Make the other roommates take their shoes off by the door. The key is to then take all of their shoes and put them in a bin in the bottom of the closet. Do this all the time and only to their shoes. Your shoes are cool enough to stay by the front and back door.
70. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When s/he returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
71. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If s/he tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
72. Spend 90% of your time at home whistling. Don't go for a tune or anything, just random notes.
73. Drink directly from the bottles/containers rather than using a glass.
74. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
75. Keep the room temperature at a level that only you can be comfortable with, i.e., 65 F in the wintertime or below.
76. Call him/her Mommy.
77. Praise The Computer. Call your roommate "citizen" and ask him if he is happy. Every five minutes.
78. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If s/he walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
79. Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.
80. Wish your roommate "Happy small reptile day". Everyday.
81. Build a snowman out of big balls of toilet paper. Throw water on it and begin to cry that the snowman is melting.
82. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
83. Subscribe to as many mailing lists and reply to as much junk mail as possible under your roommate's name. Complain that you never get mail.
84. Make your finger talk to you.
85. Buy a jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out and then scream.
86. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
87. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
88. Dress in drag.
89. Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your roommate every time s/he takes a step in the room. Put up a "please don't walk on the grass" sign.
90. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if s/he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
91. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
92. Pack your roommate's clothing in ice overnight. Put it back in the dresser before s/he wakes up.
93. Watch nothing but Japanese animation. Sing along (in Japanese) to the soundtracks.
94. Answer everything with, "Why?"
95. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
96. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
97. Always flush the toilet three times.
98. Spell out the last word of each sentence you say to your roommate.
99. Twitch a lot.
100. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.