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Bumper Sticker One Line 1 New Status

I may be driving slow, but I’m in front of you.
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If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
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I’m not driving fast-just flying low.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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There are two kinds of pedestrians…the quick and the dead.
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If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
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If you don’t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I’m just driving this way to get you mad.
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Answer my prayers. Steal this car.
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I brake for no apparent reason.
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This is not an abandoned vehicle.
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Horn broken. Watch for finger.
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Caution! I drive like you do.
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Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
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Boldly Going Nowhere
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I can drive slower.
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Honk if anything falls off.
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Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
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Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
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Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive
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All stressed out and no one to choke.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand
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Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
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Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
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Anger is only one letter short of danger
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Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
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Assassins do it from behind
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Attempt to get a new car for your spouse–it’ll be a great trade!
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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
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Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
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A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
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Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
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Be nice to your kids – they’ll pick your nursing home!
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Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
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Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
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Black holes are where God divided by zero
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Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
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Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
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Change is inevitable…except from a vending machine.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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A closed mouth gathers no feet
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The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
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A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good
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Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
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Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
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Death. How nice. I’m looking forward to the peace and quiet.
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Death to all fanatics!
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Demolition workers are the jolliest men in every country.
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Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
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Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’ till you can find a rock.
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Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
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Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
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Don’t meet trouble halfway; it’s quite capable of making the whole journey.
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Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
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Don’t sweat the petty things….or pet the sweaty things
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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
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Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
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Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
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The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
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Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
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Even if the voices are not real, they have some good ideas.
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Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
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Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
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Everybody repeat after me…”We are all individuals.”
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
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Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Failure is not an option – it comes bundled with the software.
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Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs
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A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
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Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
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Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal!
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Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
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The geek shall inherit the earth.
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The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the ‘Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.
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Give me ambivalence or give me something else.
********************************y co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
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Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
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The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
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He who hesitates is probably right
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He who laughs last thinks slowest.
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He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
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He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalgraphically challenged.
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Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
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Help wanted: telepath. You know where to apply.
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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
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Honk if you love peace and quiet.
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Horn broken, watch for finger.
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Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.
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I am a nutritional overachiever.
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I am in shape. Round is a shape.
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I can’t dial 911 – there’s no 11 on my phone.
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I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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I don’t get even, I get odder.
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I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
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I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
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I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
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I doubt, therefore I might be.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
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I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my panty hose on fire.
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I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.
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I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
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I said “no” to drugs, but they just would not listen.
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I souport publik edekasion.
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I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
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I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re ok now.
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I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…not screaming like the passengers in his car.
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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I wonder: how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
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I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
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I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
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If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool about it.
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If at first you don’t succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
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If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
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If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
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If I throw a stick, will you leave?
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If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people?
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If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
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If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
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If Jesus and Satan both had a mailbox, who would get more mail and why?
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If Jesus and Satan both had a mailbox, who would get more mail and why?
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
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If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
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If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
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If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
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If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
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If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?
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If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
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If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
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If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
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If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
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If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
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If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
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If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
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If you can read this, you’re in range.
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If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
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If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
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If you don’t know where you’re going, you’re never lost.
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If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.
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If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
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If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
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If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
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If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we’ve solved it.
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If you think there’s good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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If you want divine justice, die.
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If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
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If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
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I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
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I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing!
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I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.
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I’m reading a very interesting book on anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
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Indecision is the key to flexibility.
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Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
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I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
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Isn’t it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction and gypsy fortune tellers listen to weather forecasts and economists?
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It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
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It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
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It’s always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
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It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
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It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.
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It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
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It’s men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name.
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It’s no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
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It’s not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
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It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
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It’s so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the Devil when he is the only explanation of it.
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Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
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A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
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Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
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Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
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Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
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Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!
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Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
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Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won’t get much sleep.
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Logic is a systematic method to coming to the wrong answer with confidence.
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand
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Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
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Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
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Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
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Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
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Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
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Money doesn’t bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
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The more things change, the more they stay insane.
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My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
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My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her … or something like that.
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Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
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Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
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Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
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Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
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Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
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Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
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Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.
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Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
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Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
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Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
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Never try to outstubborn a cat.
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Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it’s supposed to do.
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The new Congressmen say they’re going to turn the government around. I hope I don’t get run over again.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Not afraid of heights — afraid of widths.
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Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
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OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
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OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
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Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
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One nice thing about egotists – they don’t talk about other people.
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The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
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Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
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An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.
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Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
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Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
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People usually get what’s coming to them…unless it’s been mailed.
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People who claim they don’t let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
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People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
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A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
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A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
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Predestination was doomed from the start.
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The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
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The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
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Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
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The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
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The real reason you can’t take it with you is that it goes before you do.
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The reason why women over fifty don’t have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
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Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
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Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
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Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
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Schizophrenia beats being alone.
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Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
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Serenity through viciousness.
********************************offee on aircraft causes turbulence.
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The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
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he’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the JuneFlower.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
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Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
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Some people are like blisters. They don’t show up until the work is done.
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Sometimes I think I understand everything, but then I regain consciousness.
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
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The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
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Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
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Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
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Stupidity got us into this mess — why can’t it get us out?
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Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
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Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
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Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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Sure you can trust the government – just ask an Indian!
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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
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Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!
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Televangelists: The pro wrestlers of religion.
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There are always death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse every year.
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There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
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There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
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There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
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There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrong.
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They told me I was gullible … and I believed them!
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They’re only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
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Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
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Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
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The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.
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Too many clicks spoil the browse.
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The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
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The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.
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The trouble with bucket seats is not everybody has the same size bucket.
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The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
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Theory of relativity: the more relatives are visiting you, the slower the time passes.
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Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
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The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
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Two wrongs are only the beginning.
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A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
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Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
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Virtual reality is its own reward.
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The wages of sin are death; but after they’re done taking out taxes, it’s just a tired feeling.
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War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
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Warning: dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
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The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
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We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
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We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You will be assimilated!
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We have enough youth; how about a fountain of SMART?
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Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
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What boots up must crash down.
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
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What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody else to do.
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What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
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Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
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When all other means of communication fail, try words.
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When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
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When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
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When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
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When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
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When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.
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When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
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When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you’re in a public restroom.
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Where there’s a will, I want to be in it!
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Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
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Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have a “s” in it?
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The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
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Yield to Temptation … it may not pass your way again.
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You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
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You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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You should emulate your hero’s, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
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You think Oedipus had a problem — Adam was Eve’s mother.
********************************eep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

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