joke college students night before christmas new

• Twas the night before finals, and all through the college,
• The students were praying for last minute knowledge.
• Most were quite sleepy, but none touched their beds,
• While visions of essays danced in their heads.
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• Out in the taverns, a few were still drinking,
• And hoping that liquor would loosen their thinking.
• In my own apartment, I had been pacing,
• And dreading exams I soon would be facing.
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• My roommate was speechless, his nose in his books,
• And my comments to him drew unfriendly looks.
• I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot,
• No longer caring hat my nerves were so shot.
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• I stared at my notes, but my thoughts were so muddy,
• My eyes went ablur, I just couldn’t study.
• “Some pizza might help,”I said with a shiver,
• But each place I called refused to deliver.
• 
  
• I’d nearly concluded that life was too cruel,
• With futures depending on grades had in school.
• When all of a sudden, our door opened wide,
• And Patron Saint Put It Off ambled inside.
• 
  
• Her spirit was careless, her manner was mellow,
• With her eyes open wide she started to bellow:
• “What kind of student would make such a fuss,
• To toss back at teachers what they tossed at us?”
• 
  
• “On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! on Last Year’s Exams!
• On Wingit and Slingit, and Last Minute Crams!”
• Her message delivered, she vanished from sight,
• But we heard her laughing outside in the night.
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• “Your teachers have pegged you, so just do your best.
• Happy Finals to All, and to All, a good test.”
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• Some time ago I received a call from a colleague. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed a perfect score. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected.
• 
  
• I read the examination question: "Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer." The student had answered: "Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building."
• 
  
• The student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly! On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course and certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this.
• 
  
• I suggested that the student have another try. I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he hadn't written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said he had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on.
• 
  
• In the next minute, he dashed off his answer, which read: "Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^2, calculate the height of the building." At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit.
• 
  
• While leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were. "Well," said the student, "there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example,if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.
• 
  
• "Fine," I said, "and others?"
• "Yes," said the student, "there is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units." "A very direct method."
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• "Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g [gravity] at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated."
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• "On this same tack, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession".
• 
  
• "Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving the problem. Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer."
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• At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach him how to think.
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• The name of the student was Niels Bohr, who later received the Nobel prize for Physics.
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• Snackmosphere - The 95% air inside bags of potato chips.
•  
• Ohnosecond - That very short moment in time during which you realize that you have pressed the wrong key and deleted hours, days, or weeks of work.
•  
• Eiffelites - Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.
•  
• Meganegabar - The line you put on a check to prevent someone else from adding "and a million dollars."
•  
• Frust - The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
•  
• Petrophobic - One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
•  
• Snork - To spew what you're drinking or chewing in a fit of sudden laughter.
•  
• Cylences - long gaps in a phone conversation that occur because one person is also reading email, IMing or shopping online.
•  
• Accordianated - Being able to drive and re-fold a road map at the same time.
•  
• Exhaustipated - Being so tired that when you try to speak, nothing comes out right.
•  
• Testlosterone - The hormone that prevents men from stopping and asking for directions.
•  
• Refunable – Something you enjoyed so much you’d do it again.
•  
• Treeware - Documents made out of paper, as opposed to electronic documents.
•  
• Disconfect - To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the germs.
•  
• Newtrons - The magnetized particles that amazingly hold Fig Newtons together.
•  
• Prairiedogged - The feeling of helplessness you get when co-workers in neighboring cubicles constantly pop their heads up to ask you stupid questions.
•  
• Aqualibrium - The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (A) having to suck the nozzle, or (B) squirting themself in the eye/ear.
•  
• Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
•  
• Elecelleration - The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
•  
• Mallmanac - In a mall, the giant maze with blocks and numbers on it, otherwise known as the "Directory".
•  
• Hereoglyph - A little stick figure on a mallmanac that tells where you are.
•  
• Peppier - The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
•  
• Phonesia - The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
•  
• Aeroma - The odor emanating from an exercise room after an aerobics class.
•  
• Dimp - A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
•  
• Dessertification - The act of eating less than the entire meal, in order to "save room for dessert".
•  
• Kirby - A Small but repulsive piece of food prominently attached to a person's face or clothing.
•  
• Zen mail - an email message that arrives with no text in it.
•  
• Klong - The sudden overwhelming feeling of fear and panic when you feel that everything is going well and you have plenty of time and you suddenly remember there was someplace else VERY important that you are supposed to be RIGHT NOW, and it's nobody's fault but your own that you aren't there.
•  
• Snee - A sneeze that doesn't completely execute. You feel your nose tingling and you start inhaling, anticipating the forceful thrust of air and saliva that is expected, but it never materializes.
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• Cartoon Law I
• =============
• Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware
• of its situation.
• 
  
• Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pasture land.  He
• loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
• look down.  At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
• second per second takes over.
• 
  
• Cartoon Law II
• ==============
• Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
• intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit
• on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that
• only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward
• motion absolutely.  Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination
• of motion the stooge's surcease.
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• Cartoon Law III
• ===============
• Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
• conforming to its perimeter.
• 
  
• Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
• speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
• reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly
• through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. 
• The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
• 
  
• Cartoon Law IV
• ==============
• The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater
• than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the
• ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to catch it
• unbroken.
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• Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to catch it is
• inevitably unsuccessful.
• 
  
• Cartoon Law V
• =============
• All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
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• Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
• them directly away from the earth's surface.  A spooky noise or an
• adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
• the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. 
• The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
• auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
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• Cartoon Law VI
• ==============
• As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This
• is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
• character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
• altercation at several places simultaneously.  This effect is
• common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. 
• A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at
• manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the
• velocity required. 
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• Cartoon Law VII
• ===============
• Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
• tunnel entrances; others cannot.
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• This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at
• least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's
• surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this
• theoretical space.  The painter is flattened against the wall when
• he attempts to follow into the painting.  This is ultimately a
• problem of art, not of science.
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• Cartoon Law VIII
• ================
• Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
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• Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine
• lives might comfortably afford.  They can be decimated, spliced,
• splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they
• cannot be destroyed.  After a few moments of blinking self pity,
• they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
•  
• Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
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• Cartoon Law IX
• ==============
• Everything falls faster than an anvil.
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• Cartoon Law X
• =============
• For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
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• This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
• the physical world at large.  For that reason, we need the relief
• of watching it happen to a duck instead.
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•     Cartoon Law Amendments
•  ----------------------------
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• Amendment A: 
• A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
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• When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually
• a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with
• great velocity.
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• Amendment B:
• The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
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• Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously
• nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will.  For
• instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself
• without speaking.
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• Amendment C: 
• Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
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• They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.
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• Amendment D: 
• Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.
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• Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a
• canine suspended over a large vertical drop.  Its feet will begin
• to fall first, causing its legs to stretch.  As the wave reaches
• its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to
• stretch.  As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the
• canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it
• strikes theground. 
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• Amendment E: 
• Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).
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• The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick-sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B), which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed. 
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• Amendment F: 
• Any bag, sack, purse, etc. possessed by a cool character is a tesseract - any number of objects of any size may be placed in it or removed from it with no change in its outer dimensions.
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• Amendment G:
• Characters can spin around and change into any set of clothes appropriate to the situation.
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• Amendment H:
• Rabbits can dig a burrow from here to there in less than 20 seconds and emerge spotlessly clean.
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• Amendment I:
• Movements are accompanied by funny sound effects.
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• You have probably heard of Murphy's Laws, but here's some similar ones you might not know about:
• ===============================================================================
• 
  
• Aigner's Axiom:  No matter how well you perform your job, a superior will
• seek to modify the results.
• 
  
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• Airplane Law:  When the plane you're on is late, the plane you're
• transferring to is on time.
• 
  
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• Alinsky's Rule for Radicals:  Those who are most moral are farthest from the
• problem.
• 
  
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• Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, read the directions.
• 
  
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• Allen's Law:  Almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of.
• 
  
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• Amand's Law of Management:  Everyone is always someplace else.
• 
  
• Anthony's Law of Force:  Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
• 
  
• Anthony's Law of the Workshop:  Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the
• least accessible corner of the workshop.  Corollary:  On the way to the
• corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.
• 
  
• Aristotle's Dictum:  One should always prefer the probable impossible to the
• improbable possible.
• 
  
• Army Axiom:  Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
• 
  
• Arthur's First Law of Love:  People to whom you are attracted inevitably
• think you remind them of someone else.
• 
  
• Atwood's Fourteenth Corollary:  No books are lost by lending except those
• you particularly wanted to keep.
• 
  
• Baker's Law of Economics:  You never want the one you can afford.
• 
  
• Ballance's Law of Relativity:  How long a minute is depends on which side of
• the bathroom door you're on.
• 
  
• Banana Principle:  If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe,
• there won't be any left by the time they are ripe.  If you buy them ripe,
• they rot before they are eaten.
• 
  
• Barth's Distinction:  There are two types of people: those who divide people
• into two types, and those who don't.
• 
  
• Baruch's Observation:  If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a
• nail.
• 
  
• Basic Baggage Principle:  Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will
• come in on another one.
• 
  
• Basic Law of Befuddlement and Football: The best defense is a good offense.
• 
  
• Basic Law of Exams:  The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure
• you are as to which answer they want.
• 
  
• Beach's Law:  No two identical parts are alike.
• 
  
• Beck's Political Law - A good slogan beats a good solution.
• 
  
• Bedfellow's Rule:  The one who snores will fall asleep first.
• 
  
• Beifeld's Principle:  The probability of a young man meeting with a
• desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
• he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
• looking and richer male friend.
• 
  
• Bell's Theorem:  When a body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
• 
  
• Berkowitz's Postulate: A clean desk gives a sense of relief and a plan for
• impending disaster.
• 
  
• Berman's Corollary to Roberts's Axiom:  One man's error is another man's
• data.
• 
  
• Berra's First Law:  You can observe a lot just by watching.
• 
  
• Berra's Second Law:  Anyone who is popular is bound to be despised.
• 
  
• Beryl's Law:  The "Consumer Report" on the item will come out a week after
• you've made your purchase.  Corollaries:  1.  The one you bought will be
• rated "unacceptable".  2.  The one you almost bought will be rated "best
• buy."
• 
  
• Biondi's Law:  If your project doesn't work, look for the part you didn't
• think was important.
• 
  
• Bitton's Postulate on State-of-the-Art Electronics:  If you understand it,
• it's obsolete.
• 
  
• Blair's Observation:  The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about
• equal.
• 
  
• Bocklage's Law:  He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
• 
  
• Bogovich's Law:  He who hesitates is probably right.
• 
  
• Boling's Postulate:  If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over
• it.
• 
  
• Borkowski's Law:  You can't guard against the arbitrary.
• 
  
• Bowersox's Law of the Workshop:  If you have only one nail, it will bend.
• 
  
• Boyle's Laws - 1) The first pull on the cord will always send the drapes the
• wrong way. 2) Anything sore will be bumped more often.
• 
  
• Bralek's Rule for Success:  Trust only those who stand to lose as much as
• you when things go wrong.
• 
  
• Britt's Green Thumb Postulate:  The life expectancy of a house plant varies
• inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness.
• 
  
• Bromberg's First Law of Auto Repair:  When the need arises, the tool or
• object closest to you becomes a hammer.
• 
  
• Bromberg's Second Law of Auto Repair:  No matter how minor the task, you
• will inevitably end up covered with grease and motor oil.
• 
  
• Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
• discovers something that either abolishes the system or expands it beyond
• recognition.
• 
  
• Brook's Law:  Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
• 
  
• Brook's Laws of Retailing:  Security isn't.  Management can't. Sales
• promotions don't.  Customer assistance doesn't.  Worker's won't.
• 
  
• Bucy's Law:  Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
• 
  
• Bumper-To-Bumper Belief:  Traffic congestion increases in proportion to the
• length of time the street is supervised by a traffic control officer.
• 
  
• Bureaucracy Principle:  Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy.
• 
  
• Burr's Law: You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the
• people some of the time, and that's sufficient.
• 
  
• Cafeteria Law:  The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in will
• be taken by the person in front of you.
• 
  
• Canada Bill's Motto:  A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
• 
  
• Captain Penny's Law:  You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
• some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool MOM.
• 
  
• Cardinal Conundrum:  An optimist believes we live in the best of all
• possible worlds.  A pessimist fears this is true.
• 
  
• Carlson's Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always
• serve as a bad example.
• 
  
• Cheop's Law:  Nothing ever gets build on schedule or within budget.
• 
  
• Chisholm's First Corollary:  If you do something that you are sure will meet
• with everybody's approval, somebody won't like it.
• 
  
• Chisholm's Second Corollary:  If you explain so clearly that nobody can
• misunderstand, somebody will.
• 
  
• Chisholm's Second Law:  When things are going well, something will go wrong.
• 
  
• Churchill's Commentary on Man:  Man will occasionally stumble over the
• truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
• 
  
• Clarke's Law of Revolutionary Ideas: Every revolutionary idea -- in Science,
• Politics, Art or Whatever -- evokes three stages of reaction. They may be
• summed up by the three phrases:  1. "It is completely impossible -- don't
• waste my time."  2. "It is possible, but it is not worth doing."  3. "I said
• it was a good idea all along."
• 
  
• Clarke's Third Law:  Any sufficiently advanced technology is
• indistinguishable from magic.
• 
  
• Clyde's Law: If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough,
• chances are someone else will do it for you.
• 
  
• Cochrane's Aphorism:  Before ordering a test, decide what you will do if it
• is (1) positive or (2) negative.  If both answers are the same, don't take
• the test.
• 
  
• Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
• 
  
• Collin's Conference Principle:  The speaker with the most monotonous voice
• speaks after the big meal.
• 
  
• Computer Programmer's Lament:  Program complexity grows until it exceeds the
• capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
• 
  
• Conway's Law:  In any organization there will always be one person who knows
• what is going on; eventually this person will be fired.
• 
  
• Cooper's Metalaw:  A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of
• new loopholes.
• 
  
• Cornuelle's Law:  Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do
• them.
• 
  
• Courtois's Rule:  If people listened to themselves more often, they would
• talk less.
• 
  
• Dale's Parking Postulate:  If only two cars are left in a vast parking lot,
• one will be blocking the other.
• 
  
• Darrow's Comment:  History repeats itself.  That's one of the things wrong
• with history.
• 
  
• Davis's Law:  If a headline ends in a question mark, the answer is "no".
• 
  
• De Jesus's Observation:  An expert is that person who is most surprised by
• the latest evidence to the contrary.
• 
  
• Deal's First Law of Sailing:  The amount of wind will vary inversely with
• the number and experience of the people you take on board.
• 
  
• Deal's Second Law of Sailing:  No matter how strong the breeze when you
• leave the dock, once you have reached the furthest point from port the wind
• will die.
• 
  
• Dedera's Law:  In a three-story building served by one elevator, nine times
• out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor where you are not.
• 
  
• DeHay's Axiom:  Simple jobs always get put off because there will be time to
• do them later.
• 
  
• DeVyver's Law: Given a sufficient number of people and an adequate amount of
• time, you can create insurmountable opposition to the most inconsequential
• idea.
• 
  
• Dieter's Law: The food that tastes the best has the highest number of
• calories.
• 
  
• Dilbert Principle: Incompetent employees are promoted to the position where
• they can do the least damage - management.
• 
  
• Diner's Dilemma:  A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
• 
  
• Dingle's Law:  When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it around
• instead of picking it up.
• 
  
• Displaced Hassle Principle: To beat the bureaucracy, make your problem their
• problem.
• 
  
• Dolan's Law - If a person has had any connection with Harvard University or
• the state of Texas, he will find a way to make that known to you during the
• first ten minutes of your first conversation.
• 
  
• Dooley's Law:  Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
• 
  
• Dorr's Law of Athletics:  In an otherwise empty locker room, any two
• individuals will have adjoining lockers.
• 
  
• Dr. Samuelson's Reflection: The real objective of a committee is not to
• reach a decision, but to avoid it.
• 
  
• Drazen's Law of Restitution:  The time it takes to rectify a situation is
• inversely proportional to the time it took to do the damage.  Example:  It
• takes longer to glue a vase together than to break one.
• 
  
• Drew's Law of Highway Biology:  The first bug to hit a clean windshield
• lands directly in front of your eyes.
• 
  
• Drew's Law of Professional Practice:  The client who pays you the least
• complains the most.
• 
  
• Drummond's Law of Personnel Recruiting:  The ideal resume will turn up one
• day after the job has been filled.
• 
  
• Ducharme's Precept:  Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune
• moment.
• 
  
• Ducharm's Axiom:  If one views his problem closely enough he will recognize
• himself as a part of the problem.
• 
  
• Dude's Law of Duality:  Of two possible events, only the undesired one will
• occur.
• 
  
• Dumb Luck Rule:  You can always hit what you don't aim at.
• 
  
• Dykstra's Law:  Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
• 
  
• Eddie's First Law of Business:  Never conduct negotiations before 10:00 a.m.
• or after 4:00 p.m.  Before 10:00 you appear too anxious, and after 4:00 they
• think you're desperate.
• 
  
• Edds's Law of Radiology:  The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body
• you are required to place on it.
• 
  
• Edelstein's Advice:  Don't worry about what other people think of you -- 
• they're too busy worrying about what you think of them.
• 
  
• Ehre's Laws of Double Doors - In approaching an entrance that has two doors,
• you will: 1) always enter the locked side; 2) Always pushed when you should
• have pulled (or vice-versa); 3) Always, even when the door says to push or
• pull, do the opposite 90% of the time.
• 
  
• Ely's Law:  Wear the right costume and the part plays itself.
• 
  
• Eng's Principle:  The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.
• 
  
• Etorre's Observation: The other line moves faster.
• 
  
• Evans's and Bjorn's Law:  No matter what goes wrong, there is always
• somebody who knew it would.
• 
  
• Evans's Law:  If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
• theirs, then you just don't understand the problem.
• 
  
• Extended Murphy's Law:  If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in
• the worst possible sequence.
• 
  
• Fahnestock's Rule for Failure:  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
• evidence that you tried.
• 
  
• Farber's Fourth Law:  Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
• 
  
• Farber's Third Law: We're all going down the same road in different
• directions
• 
  
• Farnsdick's Corollary:  After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle
• will repeat itself.
• 
  
• Farrell's Law of New-Fangled Gadgetry:  The most expensive component is the
• one that breaks.
• 
  
• Felson's Law:  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
• many is research.
• 
  
• Ferguson's Precept:  A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole
• thing."
• 
  
• Fifth Law of Unreliability:  To err is human, but to really foul things up
• requires a computer.
• 
  
• Fifth Rule of Politics:  When a politician gets an idea, he usually gets it
• wrong.
• 
  
• Finagle's Eight Rule:  Teamwork is essential . . . it allows you to blame
• someone else.
• 
  
• Finagle's First Law:  If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
• 
  
• Finagle's Fourth Law:  Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it
• only makes it worse.
• 
  
• Finagle's Laws of Information:  1. The information you have is not what you
• want.  2. The information you want is not what you need.  3. The information
• you need is not what you can obtain.  4. The information you can obtain
• costs more than you want to pay.
• 
  
• Finagle's Sixth Rule:  Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
• 
  
• Finagle's Third Law:  In any collection of data, the figure most obviously
• correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
• 
  
• Finman's Bargain Basement Principle:  The one you want is never the one on
• sale.
• 
  
• Finster's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• 
  
• Firestone's Law of Forecasting: Chicken Little only has to be right once.
• 
  
• First Law for Freelance Artists:  A high paying rush job comes in only after
• you've committed to a low paying rush job.
• 
  
• First Law of Applied Terror:  When reviewing your notes before an exam, the
• most important ones will be illegible.
• 
  
• First Law of Bridge:  It's always the partner's fault.
• 
  
• First Law of Computer Programming:  Any given program, when running, is
• obsolete.
• 
  
• First Law of Corporate Planning:  Anything that can be changed will be
• changed up until there is no time left to change anything.
• 
  
• First Law of Debate:  Never argue with a fool -- people might forget who's
• who.
• 
  
• First Law of Kitchen Confusion:  In a family recipe that you discovered in
• an old book, the most vital measurement will be illegible.
• 
  
• First Law of Living:  As soon as you're doing what you wanted to be doing,
• you want to be doing something else.
• 
  
• First Law of Money Dynamics:  A surprise monetary windfall will be
• accompanied by an unexpected expense of the same amount.
• 
  
• First Law of Travel:  It always takes longer to get there than to get back.
• 
  
• First Political Principle:  No politician talks taxes during an election
• year.
• 
  
• First Rule of Acting:  Whatever happens, look as if it was intended.
• 
  
• First Rule of Intelligent Tinkering:  Save all the parts.
• 
  
• First Rule of Negative Anticipation:  You will save yourself a lot of
• needless worry if you don't burn your bridges until you come to them.
• 
  
• First Rule of Superior Inferiority:  Don't let your superiors know you're
• better than they are.
• 
  
• Fish's First Law of Animal Behavior:  The probability of a cat eating its
• dinner has absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food placed before
• it.
• 
  
• Fish's Second Law of Animal Behavior:  The probability that a household pet
• making a fuss to go in or out is directly proportional to the number and
• importance of your dinner guests.
• 
  
• Fiske's Teenage Corollary to Parkinson's Law:  The stomach expands to
• accommodate the amount of junk food available.
• 
  
• Flagle's Law of the Perversity of Inanimate Objects: Any inanimate object,
• regardless of its composition or configuration, may be expected to perform
• ... at any time ... in a totally unexpected manor, for reasons that are
• obsure or else completely mysterious.
• 
  
• Flugg's Law:  When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the world's
• composed of aluminum and vinyl.
• 
  
• Flugg's Rule:  The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out lane.
• 
  
• Fowler's Note:  The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.
• 
  
• Fox on Levelology:  What will get you promoted on one level will get you
• killed on another.
• 
  
• Fox on Problematics:  When a problem goes away, the people working to solve
• it do not.
• 
  
• Freeway Axiom:  The driver behind you wants to go five miles per hour
• faster.
• 
  
• Freivald's Law:  Only a fool can reproduce another fool's work.
• 
  
• Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing, you'd probably be
• bored.  Corollary: Just because you're bored doesn't mean you know what
• you're doing.
• 
  
• Frothingham's Fourth Law:  Urgency varies inversely with importance.
• 
  
• Fudd's First Law of Opposition:  Push something hard enough and it will fall
• over.
• 
  
• Fulton's Law of Gravity:  The effort of catching a falling object will cause
• more destruction than if the object had been allowed to fall in the first
• place.
• 
  
• Gattuso's Extension of Murphy's Law:  Nothing is ever so bad that it can't
• get worse.
• 
  
• General Law:  The chaos in the universe always increases.
• 
  
• George's Law:  All pluses have their minuses.
• 
  
• Gerhardt's Law: If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply. They
• are going to stop making it.
• 
  
• Gilb's First Law of Computer Unreliability:  Computers are unreliable, but
• humans are even more unreliable.
• 
  
• Gioia's Theory:  The person with the least expertise has the most opinions.
• 
  
• Glaser's Law:  If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
• 
  
• Glyme's Formula For Success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you
• can fake that, you've got it made.
• 
  
• Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:  Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
• Goldenstern's Rules:  1.  Always hire a rich attorney.  2.  Never buy from a
• rich salesman.
• 
  
• Gold's Law:  If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
• 
  
• Golub's Second Law of Computerdom:  A carelessly planned project takes three
• times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes
• only twice as long.
• 
  
• Gourd's Axiom:  A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the
• hours are lost.
• 
  
• Grandmother Blackburn's Mental Umbrella: Always be prepared for the worst.
• If it happens, you are ready for it. If it doesn't, you will be pleasantly
• surprised.
• 
  
• Grandpa Charnock's Law:  You never really learn to swear until you learn to
• drive.
• 
  
• Grave's Law: As soon as you make something idiot-proof, along comes another
• idiot.
• 
  
• Green's Law of Debate:  Anything is possible if you don't know what you're
• talking about.
• 
  
• Greer's Third Law:  A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what
• you want it to do.
• 
  
• Grelb's Reminder:  Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be
• above-average drivers.
• 
  
• Grissom's Law - The smallest hole will eventually empty the largest
• container, unless it is made intentionally for drainage, in which case it
• will clog.
• 
  
• Grocery Bag Law:  The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the
• market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
• 
  
• Grossman's Misquote of H.L. Mencken:  Complex problems have simple,
• easy-to-understand wrong answers.
• 
  
• Ground Rule for Laboratory Workers:  When you do not know what you are
• doing, do it neatly.
• 
  
• Gualtieri's Law of Inertia:  Where there's a will, there's a won't.
• 
  
• Gummidge's Law:  The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the
• number of statements understood by the general public.
• 
  
• Gumperson's Law: The probability of a given event occuring is inversely
• proportional to its desirability.
• 
  
• Hadley's First Law of Clothing Shopping:  If you like it, they don't have it
• in your size.
• 
  
• Hadley's Second Law of Clothing Shopping:  If you like it and it's in your
• size, it doesn't fit anyway.
• 
  
• Hamilton's Rule for Cleaning Glassware:  The spot you are scrubbing is
• always on the other side.  Corollary:  If the spot is on the inside, you
• won't be able to reach it.
• 
  
• Hane's Law:  There is no limit to how bad things can get.
• 
  
• Hanggi's Law:  The more trivial your research, the more people will read it
• and agree.  Corollary:  The more vital your research, the less people will
• understand it.
• 
  
• Hardin's Law:  You can never do just one thing.
• 
  
• Harrison's Postulate:  For every action, there is an equal and opposite
• criticism.
• 
  
• Hecht's Fourth Law:  There's no time like the present for postponing what
• you don't want to do.
• 
  
• Heid's Law of Lines:  No matter how early you arrive, someone else is in
• line first.
• 
  
• Helga's Rule:  Say no, then negotiate.
• 
  
• Heller's Law:  The first myth of management is that it exists.  Corollary:
• Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.
• 
  
• Hellrung's Law:  If you wait, it will go away.  Shavelson's Extension:  . .
• . having done its damage.  Grelb's Addition:  . . . If it was bad, it'll be
• back.
• 
  
• Henry Kissenger's Discovery - The nice thing about being a celebrity is that
• when you bore people, they think it's their fault.
• 
  
• Henry's Quirk of Human Nature:  Nobody loves a winner who wins all the time.
• 
  
• Herblock's Law:  If it's good, they discontinue it.
• 
  
• Hershiser's First Rule:  Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
• 
  
• Hershiser's Second Rule:  The label "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" means the price
• went up.
• 
  
• Hershiser's Third Rule:  The label "ALL NEW," "COMPLETELY NEW" or "GREAT
• NEW" means the price went way up.
• 
  
• Heymann's Law:  Mediocrity imitates.
• 
  
• Higdon's Law:  Good judgement comes from experience.  Experience comes from
• bad judgement.
• 
  
• Hill's Comment on Murphy's Law: 1.  If we lose much by having things go
• wrong, take all possible care.  2.  If we have nothing to lose by change,
• relax.  3.  If we have everything to gain by change, relax.  4.  If it
• doesn't matter, it does not matter.
• 
  
• Hlade's Law:  If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy man -- he will
• find an easier way to do it.
• 
  
• Hoare's Law of Large Problems:  Inside every large problem is a small
• problem struggling to get out.
• 
  
• Hoffer's Law:  When people are free to do as they please, they usually
• imitate each other.
• 
  
• Hoffstedt's Employment Principle:  Confusion creates jobs.
• 
  
• Hollenbeck's Law:  The direction of take-off will be opposite that of the
• final destination.
• 
  
• Holten's Homily:  The only time to be positive is when you are positive you
• are wrong.
• 
  
• Horner's Five-Thumb Postulate:  Experience varies directly with equipment
• ruined.
• 
  
• Horners's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment
• ruined.
• 
  
• Howe's Law:  Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
• 
  
• Hughes's Observation:  Grass growing from sidewalk cracks never turns brown.
• 
  
• Humphries's Law of Bicycling:  The shortest route has the steepest hills.
• 
  
• Hutchinson's Law:  If a situation requires undivided attention, it will
• occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.
• 
  
• Imbesi's Law of the Conservation of Filth:  In order for something to become
• clean, something else must become dirty.
• 
  
• Imhoff's Law:  The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a
• septic tank -- the really big lumps always rise to the top.
• 
  
• Indisputable Law of Sports Contracts:  The more money the free agent signs
• for, the less effective he is the following season.
• 
  
• J.S. Gillette's Commentary on Decisions:  I always know what I want . . . I
• just keep changing my mind.
• 
  
• Jacob's Law:  To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is even more
• human.
• 
  
• Jacobson's Law:  The less work an organization produces, the more frequently
• it reorganizes.
• 
  
• Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:  No man's life, liberty or
• property is safe while the legislature is in session.
• 
  
• Jaffe's Precept:  There are some things that are impossible to know -- but
• it is impossible to know what these things are.
• 
  
• Jana's Law of Love:  A dandelion from a lover means more than an orchid from
• a friend.
• 
  
• Jaruk's Second Law:  If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company
• will insist upon repairing the old one.  Corollary: If it would be cheaper
• to repair the old one, the company will insist on the latest model.
• 
  
• Jay's First Law of Leadership:  Changing things is central to leadership;
• changing them before anyone else does is creativity.
• 
  
• Joel's Law of Economics: First Law: For every economist, there is an equal
• and opposite economist. Second Law: They are both wrong.
• 
  
• Joe's Law:  The business contact that you have developed at great expense is
• the first person to be let go in any corporate reorganization.
• 
  
• John's Collateral Corollary:  In order to get a loan you must first prove
• you don't need it.
• 
  
• Johnson's Law:  The number of minor illnesses among the employees is
• inversely proportionally to the health of the organization.
• 
  
• Johnson's Second Law:  If, in the course of several months, only three
• worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on the same evening.
• 
  
• Johnson's Third Law:  If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the
• issue which contained the article, story or installment you were most
• anxious to read.  Corollary:  All of your friends either missed it, lost it
• or threw it out.
• 
  
• Jones's First Law of TV Programming:  The only new show worth watching will
• be cancelled.
• 
  
• Jones's Law:  The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of
• someone he can blame it on.
• 
  
• Jose's Axiom:  Nothing is a temporary as that which is called permanent.
• Corollary:  Nothing is a permanent as that which is called temporary.
• 
  
• Juhani's Law:  The compromise will always be more expensive than either of
• the suggestions it is compromising.
• 
  
• Katz's Law:  Men and nations will act rationally when all other
• possibilities have been exhausted.
• 
  
• Kauffman's First Law of Airports:  The distance to the gate is inversely
• proportional to the time available to catch your flight.
• 
  
• Kennedy's Comment on Committees:  A committee is twelve men doing the work
• of one.
• 
  
• Ken's Law:  A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
• 
  
• Kent Family Law:  Never change your plans because of the weather.
• 
  
• Kerr-Marin Law: 1. In dealing with their OWN problems, faculty members are
• the most extreme conservatives.  2. In dealing with OTHER people's problems,
• they are the most extreme liberals.
• 
  
• Kierkegaard's Observation:  Life can only be understood backwards, but it
• must be lived forwards.
• 
  
• Kirby's Comment on Committee:  A committee is the only life form with 12
• stomachs and no brain.
• 
  
• Knagg's Law:  The more grandiose the plan, the greater the chance for
• failure.
• 
  
• Knox's Principle of Star Quality:  Whenever a superstar is traded to your
• favorite team, he fades.  Whenever your team trades away a useless no-name,
• he immediately rises to stardom.
• 
  
• Kohn's Corollary to Murphy's Law:  Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• 
  
• Kranske's Law:  Beware of a day in which you don't have something to bitch
• about.
• 
  
• Lackland's Laws:  1.  Never be first.  2.  Never be last.  3. Never
• volunteer for anything.
• 
  
• Langsam's Laws:  1.  Everything depends.  2.  Nothing is always. 3.
• Everything is sometimes.
• 
  
• Las Vegas Law:  Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is bound to
• change.
• 
  
• Last Law of Product Design:  If you can't fix it, feature it.
• 
  
• Last Law:  If several things that could have gone wrong have not gone wrong,
• it would have been ultimately beneficial for them to have gone wrong.
• 
  
• Launegayer's Obversation:  Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting
• dumb mistakes.
• 
  
• Law of Annoyance:  When working on a project, if you put away a tool that
• you're certain you're finished with, you will need it instantly.
• 
  
• Law of Applied Terror:  80% of the final exam will be based on the one
• lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read.
• 
  
• Law of Arbitrary Distinction:  Anything may be divided into as many parts as
• you please.
• 
  
• Law of Balance:  Bad habits will cancel out good ones.  Example: The orange
• juice and granola you had for breakfast will be canceled out by the
• cigarette you smoked on the way to work and the candy bar you just bought.
• 
  
• Law of Christmas Decorating:  The outdoor lights that tested perfectly
• indoors develop burn-outs as soon as they are strung on the house.
• 
  
• Law of Class Scheduling:  When you are occasionally able to schedule two
• classes in a row, they will be held in classrooms at opposite ends of the
• campus.
• 
  
• Law of Gifts:  You get the most of what you need the least.
• 
  
• Law of Highway Construction:  The most heavily traveled streets spend the
• most time under construction.
• 
  
• Law of Human Quirks:  Everyone wants to be noticed but no one wants to be
• stared at.
• 
  
• Law of Institutions:  The opulence of the front office decor varies
• inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
• 
  
• Law of Kitchen Confusion:  Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save
• it only makes it worse.
• 
  
• Law of Legislative Action:  The length of time it takes a bill to pass
• through the legislature is in inverse proportion to the number of lobbying
• groups favoring it.
• 
  
• Law of Life's Highway:  If everything is coming your way, you're in the
• wrong lane.
• 
  
• Law of Observation:  Nothing looks as good close up as it does from far
• away.
• 
  
• Law of Political Machinery:  When no viable candidate exists someone will
• nominate a Kennedy.
• 
  
• Law of Predicted Results: Market research can be conducted and interpreted
• to prove any desired conclusion.
• 
  
• Law of Probable Dispersal:  Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly
• distributed.
• 
  
• Law of Regressive Achievement:  Last year's was always better.
• 
  
• Law of Revelation:  The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
• 
  
• Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
• 
  
• Law of the Great Idea:  The only time you come up with a great solution is
• after somebody else has solved the problem.
• 
  
• Law of the Individual:  Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else
• is doing.
• 
  
• Law of the Lie:  No matter how often the lie is shown to be false, there
• will still remain a percentage of people who believe it true.
• 
  
• Law of the Marketplace:  If only one price can be obtained for any
• quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
• 
  
• Law of the Perversity of Nature:  You cannot successfully determine
• beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
• 
  
• Law of the Search:  The first place to look for anything is the last place
• you would expect to find it.
• 
  
• Laws of Holes:
• 
  
• First Law of Holes: The first step in getting out of the hole
• your dug for yourself is to stop digging.
• 
  
• Second Law of Holes: If a boss
• digs himself into a hole, all subordinates are expected to jump in with him.
• Third Law of Holes: If a subordinate digs a hole, never expect the boss to
• jump in with him. 
• 
  
• Fourth Law of Holes: If you expect to miss the holes
• others have left in your path to success, stop looking back at the ones you
• just climbed out of.
• 
  
• Leap Year Corollary:  Exceptions always outnumber rules.
• 
  
• Lemar's Parking Postulate:  If you have to park six blocks away, you will
• find two new parking spaces right in front of the building entrance.
• 
  
• Lerman's Law of Technology:  Any technical problem can be overcome given
• enough time and money.  Lerman's Corollary:  You are never given enough time
• or money.
• 
  
• Levy's Eighth Law:  No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with
• detail.
• 
  
• Lewis's Law:  People will buy anything that is one to a customer.
• 
  
• Lieberman's Law:  Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since nobody
• listens.
• 
  
• Livingston's Laws of Fat: 1.  Fat expands to fill any apparel worn.  2.  A
• fat person walks in the middle of the hall.
• 
  
• Loftus's Fifth Law of Management:  Some people manage by the book, even
• though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
• 
  
• Loftus's Theory on Personnel Recruitment:  Far-away talent always seems
• better than home-developed talent.
• 
  
• Lord Balfour's Contention:  Nothing matters very much, and very few things
• matter at all.
• 
  
• Lovka's Law of Driving:  There is no traffic until you need to make a left
• turn.
• 
  
• Lowery's Law:  If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing
• anyway.
• 
  
• Lunsford's Rule of Scientific Endeavor:  The simple explanation always
• follows the complex solution.
• 
  
• Luposchainsky's Hurry-Up-And-Wait Principle:  If you're early, it'll be
• cancelled.  If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will have to wait.
• If you're late, you will be too late.
• 
  
• Lynch's Law:  When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
• 
  
• Maahs's Law:  Things go right so they can go wrong.
• 
  
• MacPherson's Theory of Entropy:  It requires less energy to take an object
• out of its proper place than to put it back.
• 
  
• Mae West's Observation:  To err is human, but it feels divine.
• 
  
• Malek's Law:  Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
• 
  
• Mark's Law of Monetary Equalization:  A fool and your money are soon
• partners.
• 
  
• Mars's Rule:  An expert is anyone from out of town.
• 
  
• Maryann's Law:  You can always find what you're not looking for.
• 
  
• Matilda's Law of Sub-Committee Formation:  If you leave the room, you're
• elected.
• 
  
• Matsch's Law:  It's better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors
• without end.
• 
  
• Matz's Maxim:  A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
• 
  
• Matz's Warning:  Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of
• trouble.
• 
  
• Mayne's Law:  Nobody notices the big errors.
• 
  
• McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:  If an item is advertised as "under $50,"
• you can bet it's not $19.95.
• 
  
• McGregor's Revised Maxim - The shortest distance between two points is under
• construction.
• 
  
• McKee's Law:  When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn green
• as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop.
• 
  
• McKernan's Maxim:  Those who are unable to learn from past meetings are
• condemned to repeat them.
• 
  
• Meadow's Maxim:  You can't push on a rope.
• 
  
• Meyer's Law:  It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex task
• to make them simple.
• 
  
• Meyers's Law:  In a social situation, that which is most difficult to do is
• usually the right thing to do.
• 
  
• Miles's Law:  Where you stand depends on where you sit.
• 
  
• Miller's Maxim:  In a surplus labor economy, the squeaking wheel does not
• get the grease; it gets replaced.
• 
  
• Milstead's Christmas Card Rule:  After you've mailed your last card, you
• will receive a card from someone you overlooked.
• 
  
• Milstead's Driving Principle:  Whenever you need to stop at a light to put
• on makeup, every light will be green.
• 
  
• Morgan's Discovery - The average man is a little below average.
• 
  
• Morris's Law of Conferences:  The most interesting paper will be scheduled
• simultaneously with the second most interesting paper.
• 
  
• Morton's Law: If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
• 
  
• Moser's Law of Spectator Sports:  Exciting plays occur only while you are
• watching the scoreboard or out buying a hot dog.
• 
  
• Mr. Cooper's Law:  If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of
• technical writing, ignore it.  The piece will make perfect sense without it.
• 
  
• Mrs. Weiler's Law:  Anything is edible if it is chopped finely enough.
• 
  
• Muir's Law:  When we try to pick out anything by itself we find it hitched
• to everything else in the universe.
• 
  
• Munder's Corollary:  Everyone who does not work has a scheme that does.
• 
  
• Murphy Philosophy:  Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
• 
  
• Murphy's Advice:  Don't worry . . . nobody gives a hoot anyway.
• 
  
• Murphy's Constant:  Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its
• value.
• 
  
• Murphy's First Corollary:  Whenever you set out to do something, something
• else must be done first.
• 
  
• Murphy's First Law for Husbands:  If you run into an old girlfriend -- no
• matter how innocently -- your wife will know about it before you get home.
• 
  
• Murphy's First Law for Wives:  If you ask your husband to pick up five items
• at the store and then add one more as an afterthought, he'll forget two of
• the first five.
• 
  
• Murphy's First Law of Construction:  Power tools will fail at the most
• inconvenient time possible.
• 
  
• Murphy's Fourth Corollary:  It is impossible to make anything foolproof
• because fools are so ingenious.
• 
  
• Murphy's Fourth Law for Husbands:  Your wife's stored possessions will
• always be on top of your stored possessions.
• 
  
• Murphy's Fourth Law of the Kitchen:  When the meal you are preparing is on
• schedule, the guests will be forty-five minutes late.  Corollary:  When the
• guests are on time, the meal will be forty-five minutes late.
• 
  
• Murphy's Guide to modern Science:  1. If it's green or it wriggles, it's
• biology.  2. If it stinks, it's chemistry.  3. If it doesn't work, it's
• physics.
• 
  
• Murphy's Law of Government:  If anything can go wrong, it will do so in
• triplicate.
• 
  
• Murphy's Law of Supply:  If you don't need it and don't want it you can have
• tons of it.
• 
  
• Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics:  Things get worse under pressure.
• 
  
• Murphy's Law:  If anything can go wrong, it will.
• 
  
• Murphy's Paradox:  Doing it the hard way is always easier.
• 
  
• Murphy's Saving Grace:  The worst is enemy of the bad.
• 
  
• Murphy's Second Corollary:  Every solution breeds new problems.
• 
  
• Murphy's Second Law for Wives:  The snapshots you take of your husband are
• always more flattering than the ones he takes of you.
• 
  
• Murphy's Second Law of Construction:  When taking something apart to fix a
• minor malfunction, you will cause a major malfunction.
• 
  
• Murphy's Third Corollary:  Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
• 
  
• Murphy's Third Law for Husbands:  The gifts you buy your wife are never as
• appropriate as the gifts your neighbor buys his wife.
• 
  
• Murphy's Third Law for Wives:  Whatever arrangement you make for the
• division of household duties, your husband's job will be easier.
• 
  
• Murphy's Third Law of the Kitchen:  The mixing bowl you need is always
• dirty.
• 
  
• Murray's Laws:  1.  Never ask a barber if you need a haircut. 2. Never ask a
• salesman if his is a good price.
• N-1 Law - If you need four screws for a job, the first three will be easy to
• find.
• 
  
• Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:  A bird in the hand is safer than one
• overhead.
• 
  
• Nineteenth Hole Observation - The older I get, the better I used to be.
• 
  
• Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:  The first ninety percent of the
• task takes ten percent of the time; the last ten percent takes the other
• ninety percent.
• 
  
• Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:  Negative expectations yield negative
• results.  Positive expectations yield negative results.
• 
  
• O'Brien's Law:  Nothing is ever done for the right reasons.
• 
  
• O'Brien's Variation on Etorre's Observation:  If you change lines, the one
• you just left will start to move faster than the one you are now in.
• 
  
• Oliver's Law of Location:  No matter where you go, there you are!
• 
  
• Olivier's Law:  Experience is something you don't get until just after you
• need it.
• 
  
• O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's law:  Murphy was an optimist.
• 
  
• Owen's Law for Secretaries:  As soon as you sit down with a cup of hot
• coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the
• coffee is cold.
• 
  
• Owen's Theory of Organizational Deviance:  Every organization has an
• allotted number of positions to be filled by misfits. Corollary:  Once a
• misfit leaves, another will be recruited.
• 
  
• Pantuso's First Law:  The book you spent $14.95 for today will come out in
• paperback tomorrow.
• 
  
• Parkinson's Law for Medical Research:  Successful research attracts the
• bigger grant which makes further research impossible.
• 
  
• Parkinson's Law of Delay:  Delay is the deadliest form of denial.
• 
  
• Parkinson's Second Law:  Expenditures rise to meet income.
• 
  
• Park's Law of Insurance Rates and Taxes:  Whatever goes us, stays up.
• 
  
• Parson's Law of Passports:  No one is as ugly as their passport photo.
• 
  
• Party Law:  The more food you prepare, the less your guests eat.
• 
  
• Patrick's Theorem: If the experiment works, you must be using the wrong
• equipment.
• 
  
• Patry's Law:  If you know something can go wrong, and take due precaution to
• prevent it, something else will go wrong.
• 
  
• Paulg's Law:  In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
• save.
• 
  
• Paul's Law:  You can't fall off the floor. 
• 
  
• Chapman's Commentary on Paul's Law:  It takes children three years to learn Paul's Law.
• 
  
• Perkins's Postulate:  The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
• 
  
• Perlsweig's Law:  People who can least afford to pay rent have to.  People
• who can most afford to pay rent build up equity.
• 
  
• Perlsweig's Second Law:  Whatever goes around, comes around.
• 
  
• Perrussel's Law:  There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrong.
• 
  
• Pet Principle:  No matter which side of door the cat or dog is on, it's the
• wrong side.
• 
  
• Pfeifer's Principle:  Never make a decision that you can get someone else to
• make.
• 
  
• Phillips's Law:  Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more
• inaccessible places.
• 
  
• Pineapple Principle:  The best parts of anything are always impossible to
• remove from the worst parts.
• 
  
• Pitfalls of Genius:  No boss will keep an employee who is right all the
• time.
• 
  
• Pope's Law:  Chipped dishes never break.
• 
  
• Post's Managerial Observation:  The inefficiency and stupidity of the staff
• corresponds to the inefficiency and stupidity of the management.
• 
  
• Poulsen's Prophesy:  If anything is used to its full potential, it will
• break.
• 
  
• Price's First Law:  If everybody wants it, nobody gets it.
• 
  
• Priester's Law of Desire:  The more you want it, the quicker the letdown
• after you get it.
• 
  
• Principle Concerning Multifunctional Devices: The more functions a device is
• required to perform, the less effectively it can perform any individual
• function.
• 
  
• Principle of Design Inertia:  Any change looks terrible at first.
• 
  
• Pudder's Law:  Anything that begins well, ends badly.  Anything that begins
• badly, ends worse.
• 
  
• Quantization Revision of Murphy's Law:  Everything goes wrong all at once.
• 
  
• Queue Principle:  The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood
• that you are standing in the wrong line.
• 
  
• Quile's Consultation Law:  The job that pays the most will be offered when
• there is no time to deliver the services.
• 
  
• Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction:  If you take something apart and put it
• back together enough times, eventually you will have two of them.
• 
  
• Ray's Rueful Rumination: The world is full of surprises, very few of which
• are pleasant.
• 
  
• Rennie's Law of Public Transit:  If you start walking, the bus will come
• when you are precisely halfway between stops.
• 
  
• Revolutionary Law:  The sloppier the rebel uniform, the more likely the
• overthrow of the existing government.
• 
  
• Reynold's Law of Climatology:  Wind velocity increases directly with the
• cost of the hairdo.
• 
  
• Ringwald's Law of Household Geometry:  Any horizontal surface is soon piled
• up.
• 
  
• Robertson's Law:  Quality assurance doesn't.
• 
  
• Roberts's Axiom:  Only errors exist.  Berman's Corollary to Robert's Axiom:
• One man's error is another man's data.
• 
  
• Rockefeller Principle:  Never do anything you wouldn't get caught dead
• doing.
• 
  
• Roger's Law:  As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airliner
• encounters turbulence.  Davis's Explanation of Roger's Law:  Serving coffee
• on aircraft causes turbulence.
• 
  
• Roman Rule:  The one who says it can't be done shouldn't interrupt the one
• doing it.
• 
  
• Rominger's Rules for Students:  1. The more general the title of a course,
• the less you will learn from it.  2. The more specific a title is, the less
• you will be able to apply it.
• 
  
• Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:  The probability of meeting someone
• you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
• 
  
• Ruckert's Law:  There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of
• proportion.
• 
  
• Rudin's Law:  In crises that force people to choose among alternative
• courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
• 
  
• Rudnicki's Nobel Principle:  Only someone who understands something
• absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it.
• 
  
• Rudnicki's Rule:  That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
• 
  
• Rule of Failure: If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that
• you have tried.
• 
  
• Rule of Feline Frustration:  When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and
• looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
• bathroom.
• 
  
• Rule of Law:  1. If the facts are against you, argue the law. 2. If the law
• is against you, argue the facts.  3. If the factsand the law are against
• you, yell like hell.
• 
  
• Rule of Political Promises:  Truth varies.
• 
  
• Rule of Reason: If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
• 
  
• Rule of the Great:  When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking
• deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
• 
  
• Rule of the Rally:  The only way to make up for being lost is to make record
• time while you are lost.
• 
  
• Rush's Rule of Gravity:  When you drop change at a vending machine, the
• pennies will fall nearby, while all the other coins will roll out of sight.
• 
  
• Russ' Law of Assembly:  The one piece that holds the whole thing together
• will be missing.
• 
  
• Ryan's Application of Parkinson's Law:  Possessions increase to fill the
• space available for their storage.
• 
  
• Ryan's Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish
• yourself as an expert.
• 
  
• Sagan Fallacy:  To say a human being is nothing but molecules and atoms is
• like saying a Shakespearean play is nothing but words and letters.
• 
  
• Salary Axiom:  The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and
• just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
• 
  
• Sartre's Observation:  Hell is others.
• 
  
• Sattinger's Law:  It works better if you plug it in.
• 
  
• Sausage Principle:  People who love sausage and respect the law should never
• watch either one being made.
• 
  
• Schmidt's Law:  If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
• 
  
• Schnatterly's Summing Up of the Corollaries:  If anything can't go wrong, it
• will.
• 
  
• Schopenhauer's Law of Entropy:  If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel
• full of sewage, you get sewage.  If you put a spoonful of sewage in a barrel
• full of wine, you get sewage.
• 
  
• Schrimpton's Law of Teenage Opportunity:  When opportunity knocks, you've
• got headphones on.
• 
  
• Seay's Law:  Nothing ever comes out as planned.
• 
  
• Second Law for Freelance Artists:  All rush jobs are due the same day.
• 
  
• Second Law of Applied Terror:  The more studying you did for the exam, the
• less sure you are as to which answer they want.
• 
  
• Second Law of Business Meetings:  If there are two possible ways to spell a
• person's name, you will pick the wrong spelling.
• 
  
• Second Law of Class Scheduling:  A prerequisite for a desired course will be
• offered only during the following semester.
• 
  
• Second Law of Computer Programming:  The value of a program is proportional
• to the weight of its output.
• 
  
• Second Law of Final Exams:  In your toughest final -- for the first time all
• year -- the most distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next
• to you.
• 
  
• Second Law of Gardening:  Fancy gizmos don't work.
• 
  
• Second Law of Kitchen Confusion:  Once a dish is fouled up, anything added
• to save it only makes it worse.
• 
  
• Second Law of Office Murphology:  Office machines that function perfectly
• during normal business hours will break down when you return at night to use
• them for personal business.
• 
  
• Second Principle for Patients:  The more boring and out-of-date the
• magazines in the waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for your
• scheduled appointment.
• 
  
• Second Rule of Environmental Protection: The most efficient way to dispose
• of toxic waste is to reclassify the waste as non toxic.
• 
  
• Seeger's Law:  Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
• 
  
• Segal's Law:  A man with one watch knows the time.  A man with two is never
• sure.
• 
  
• Seits's Law of Higher Education:  The one course you must take to graduate
• will not be offered during your last semester.
• 
  
• Sevareid's Law:  The chief cause of problems is solutions.
• 
  
• Shakespeare's Law:  Where love is great, the littlest doubts cause fear.
• 
  
• Shapiro's Law of Reward:  The one who does the least work will get the most
• credit.
• 
  
• Shirley's Law:  Most people deserve each other.
• 
  
• Siddhartha Principle:  You cannot cross a river in two strides.
• 
  
• Silverman's Paradox:  If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
• 
  
• Silver's Law of Doctoring:  It never heals correctly.
• 
  
• Simon's Law of Destiny:  Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
• 
  
• Simon's Law:  Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
• 
  
• Sintetos's First Law of Consumerism:  A 60-day warranty guarantees that the
• product will self-destruct on the 61st day.
• 
  
• Sir Walter's Law:  The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque,
• campfire, etc., to drift into a person's face varies directly with that
• person's sensitivity to smoke.
• 
  
• Skoff's Law:  A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
• 
  
• Smiths's Law:  No real problem has a solution.
• 
  
• Snafu Equation:  The bit of information most needed is least available.
• 
  
• Snider's Law:  Nothing can be done in one trip.
• 
  
• Sociology's Iron Law of Oligarchy:  In every organized activity a small
• number of participants will become the oligarchical leaders and the others
• will follow.
• 
  
• Sodd's Second Law:  Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances
• is bound to occur.
• 
  
• Soper's Law:  Any bureaucracy reorganized to enhance efficiency is
• immediately indistinguishable from its predecessor.
• 
  
• Souder's Law:  Repetition does not establish validity.
• 
  
• Spare Parts Principle: The accessibility, during recovery, of small parts
• which fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part,
• and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work underway.
• 
  
• Spark's First Rule for Managers:  Strive to look tremendously important.
• 
  
• Spark's Second Rule for Managers:  Attempt to be seen with important people.
• 
  
• Spark's Third Rule for Managers:  Speak with authority; however, expound
• only on the obvious and proven facts.
• 
  
• Special Law:  The workbench is always untidier than last time.
• 
  
• Spencer's Laws of Accountancy:  1. Trial balances don't.  2. Working capital
• doesn't.  3. Liquidity tends to run out.  4. Return on investments won't.
• 
  
• Spencer's Laws of Data:  1. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. 2. A good manager can make a decision without enough facts.  3. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.
• 
  
• Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:  Everybody should believe in
• something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
• 
  
• Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:  Never test for an error
• condition you don't know how to handle.
• 
  
• Steiner's Maxim:  The fact that you do not know the answer does not mean
• that someone else does.
• 
  
• Stenderup's Law:  The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to
• catch up.
• 
  
• Stewart's Law of Retroaction:  It is easier to get forgiveness than
• permission.
• 
  
• Stitzer's Vacation Principle:  When packing for a vacation, take half as
• much clothing and twice as much money.
• 
  
• Stockmayer's Theorem:  If it looks easy, it's tough.  If it looks tough,
• it's damn well impossible.
• 
  
• Strano's Law:  When all else fails, try the boss's suggestion.
• 
  
• Sturgeon's Law:  90% of everything is crud.
• 
  
• Sutin's Second Law:  The most useless computer tasks are the most fun to do.
• 
  
• Sweeney's Law:  The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to
• the amount of progress.
• 
  
• Swipple's Rule of Order:  He who shouts loudest has the floor.
• 
  
• Taylor's Law of Tailoring:  No matter how many alterations, cheap pants
• never fit.
• 
  
• Tenenbaum's Law of Replicability:  The most interesting results happen only
• once.
• 
  
• Terman's Law of Innovation:  If you want a track team to win the high jump,
• you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump
• one foot.
• 
  
• Thal's Law:  For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
• 
  
• Theory of Selective Supervision:  The one time during the day you lean back
• and relax is the one time the boss walks by.
• 
  
• Thiessen's Law of Gastronomy:  The hardness of the butter is in direct
• proportion to the softness of the roll.
• 
  
• Thine's Law:  Nature abhors people.
• 
  
• Third Law for Freelance Artists:  The rush job you spent all night on won't
• be needed for at least two days.
• 
  
• Third Law of Committo-Dynamics:  Those most opposed to serving on committees
• are made chairmen.
• 
  
• Third Law of Kitchen Confusion:  You are always complimented on the item
• that took the least effort to prepare.  Example:  If you make roast turkey,
• you will be complimented on the baked potato.
• 
  
• Thom's Law of Marital Bliss:  The length of the marriage is inversely
• proportional to the cost of the wedding.
• 
  
• Tillinger's Rule - Moderation in all things, including moderation.
• 
  
• Tillis's Organizational Principle:  If you file it, you'll know where it is
• but never need it.  If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know
• where it is.
• 
  
• Todd's First Two Political Principles:  1.  No matter what they're telling
• you, they're not telling you the whole truth.  2. No matter what they're
• talking about, they're talking about money.
• 
  
• Tracey's Time Observation:  Good times end too quickly.  Bad times go on
• forever.
• 
  
• Trischmann's Paradox:  A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool
• something to stick in his mouth.
• 
  
• Troutman's Sixth Programming Postulate:  Profanity is the one language all
• programmers know best.
• 
  
• Truman's Law:  If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
• 
  
• Tupper's Political Postulate:  He who walks astride the fence has few
• directions from which to choose.
• 
  
• Tussman's Law:  Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
• 
  
• Tylczak's Probability Postulate:  Random events tend to occur in groups.
• Ultimate Principle: By definition, when you are investigating the unkown you
• do not know what you will find.
• 
  
• Unapplicable Law:  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
• 
  
• Universal Equine Equation:  At any particular time, there are more horse's
• asses in the world than horses.
• 
  
• Unspeakable Law:  As soon as you mention something . . . if it's good, it
• goes away. . . if it's bad, it happens.
• 
  
• Van Gogh's Law:  Whatever plan one makes, there is a hidden difficulty
• somewhere.
• 
  
• Van Oech's Law: An expert really doesn't know anymore than you do. He is
• merely better organized and has slides.
• 
  
• Vile's Law of Communication:  No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• 
  
• Vile's Law of Roadmanship:  Your own car uses more gas and oil than anyone
• else's.
• 
  
• Vile's Law of Value:  The more an item costs, the farther you have to send
• it for repairs.
• 
  
• Wagner's Law of Sports Coverage:  When the camera focuses on a male athlete
• he will spit, pick or scratch.
• 
  
• Wallace's Observation:  Everything is in a state of utter dishevelment.
• 
  
• Walton's Law of Politics:  A fool and his money are soon elected.
• 
  
• Warren's Rule:  To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will
• take the longest and cost the most.
• 
  
• Washlesky's Law:  Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.
• 
  
• Watergate Principle:  Government corruption is always reported in the past
• tense.
• 
  
• Weber's Definition:  An expert is one who knows more and more about less and
• less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
• 
  
• Weiler's Law:  Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
• himself.
• 
  
• Weinberg's First Law:  Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
• 
  
• Weinberg's Second Law:  If builders built buildings the way programmers
• write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
• civilization.
• 
  
• Welwood's Axiom:  Disorder expands proportionately to the tolerance for it.
• 
  
• Westheimer's Rule:  To estimate the time it takes to do a task, estimate the
• time you think it should take, multiply by two, and change the unit of
• measure to the next highest unit.  Thus, we allocate two days for a one-hour
• task.
• 
  
• Wethern's Law of Suspended Judgement:  Assumption is the mother of all
• screw-ups.
• 
  
• Whistler's Law:  You never know who's right, but you always know who's in
• charge.
• 
  
• White's Chappaquidick Theorem:  the sooner and in more detail you announce the bad news, the better.
• 
  
• Wiker's Law:  Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
• 
  
• Willoughby's Law:  When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't
• work, it will.
• 
  
• Winfield's Dictum of Direction Giving:  The possibility of getting lost is
• directly proportional to the number of times the direction-giver says "you
• can't miss it."
• 
  
• Witten's Law:  Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a need for
• them an hour later.
• 
  
• Witzling's Law of Progeny Performance:  Any child who chatters nonstop at
• home will adamantly refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate for
• an audience.
• 
  
• Wolter's Law:  If you have the time, you won't have the money. If you have
• the money, you won't have the time.
• 
  
• Wood's Axiom: As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a
• life-or-death situation, the power fails.
• 
  
• Woodside's Grocery Principle:  The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
• 
  
• Worker's Dilemma:  1.  No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
• 2.  What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
• 
  
• Working Cook's Laws:  1. If you're wondering if you took the meat out to
• thaw, you didn't.  2. If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot plugged
• in, you did.
• 
  
• Wright's First Law of Quality:  Quality is inversely proportional to the
• time left for completion of the project.
• 
  
• Wyszkowski's First Law:  No experiment is reproducible.
• 
  
• Wyszkowski's Second Law:  Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it
• long enough.
• 
  
• Yeager's Law:  Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle.
• Corollary:  All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
• 
  
• Young's Law of Inanimate Mobility:  All inanimate objects can move just
• enough to get in your way.
• 
  
• Young's Law:  All great discoveries are made by mistake.
• 
  
• Young's Principle on Emergent Individuation:  Everybody wants to peel his
• own banana.
• 
  
• Yount's Law of Mail Ordering:  The most important item in an order will no
• longer be available.
• 
  
• Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:  The severity of the itch is inversely
• proportional to the reach.
• 
  
• Zappa's Law:  There are two things on earth that are universal, hydrogen and
• stupidity.
• 
  
• Zeek's Discovery - The key to flexibility is indecision.
• 
  
• Zelman's Rule of Radio Reception:  Your pocket radio won't pick up the
• station you want to hear most.
• 
  
• Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving System Dynamics: Once you open a can of
• worms, the only way you can re-can them is to use a larger can.
• 
  
• Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:  People are always available for work in
• the past tense.
• Zymurgy's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Law:  When it rains, it pours.
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• How do you drown a Hipster? 
• In the mainstream.
• 
  
• How did the barber win the race?
• He knew a short cut.
• 
  
• Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? 
• He had locomotives.
• 
  
• Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.
• 
  
• Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."
• 
  
• What do you do if you're attacked by a gang of carnies? 
• Go for the juggler.
• 
  
• What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
• Dr. Dre
• 
  
• I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
• 
  
• Guy 1: Somebody said you sounded like an owl.
• Guy 2: Who?
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• Conjunctivitis.com... now that's a site for sore eyes.
• 
  
• I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
• 
  
• Have you heard about the constipated mathematician? 
• He had to work it out with a pencil (a #2 pencil, naturally).
• 
  
• How to you wake Lady Gaga?
• Poke her face.
• 
  
• Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.
• 
  
• What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
• Well, anyone can roast beef.
• 
  
• I once farted in an elevator, which was wrong on so many levels.
• 
  
• How did Hitler tie his shoes?
• In little Nazis.
• 
  
• Why did the behavioralist cross the road?
• It doesn't matter.
• 
  
• Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?
• 
  
• Today I gave my dead batteries away....Free of charge.
• 
  
• What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
• Bison.
• 
  
• The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
• 
  
• Where were potatoes first fried?
• In Greece
• 
  
• Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?
• Because it has a silent pee.
• 
  
• What do you do when your nose is on strike?
• Picket.
• 
  
• What happens if life gives you melons?
• Your dyslexic.
• 
  
• A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel in his hat. The bartender says "Hey pirate, what's with the paper towel?" The pirate replied "Arr, I got a bounty on me head!"
• 
  
• Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
• They’re making headlines!
• 
  
• There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted.
• 
  
• If someone hits you over the head with a coffee cup, have you been mugged?
• 
  
• How do you make a tissue dance?
• You put a little boogie in it.
• 
  
• Velcro. What a ripoff.
• 
  
• How do you make holy water?
• You boil the hell out of it.
• 
  
• Where do you find a one legged dog?
• Wherever you left it.
• 
  
• The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers here."
• A time traveler walks into a bar.
• 
  
• What do you do if you see a spaceman?
• Park in it, man.
• 
  
• I knew a guy that was addicted to brake fluid, but he said he could stop anytime.
• 
  
• Wanna hear a joke about a pizza? 
• Oh never mind it's too cheesy
• [That's the problem pizza jokes - it's all in the delivery].
• 
  
• Why did the policeman smell bad?
• He was on duty.
• 
  
• How does Jesus make tea?
• Hebrews it.
• 
  
• It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
• 
  
• I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me.
• 
  
• What kind of lock is on a hippie's door?
• A padlock.
• 
  
• A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables…the bartender says, buddy, I’ll serve you as long as you don’t start anything.
•  
• What did Jay-Z call Beyonce before they got married?
• Feyonce
•  
• What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
• SUPPLIES!
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• Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his coffee before it was cool. 
• 
  
• How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram
• 
  
• What happens when a hipster falls? They Tumblr
• 
  
• Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first one did it before it was cool, and the second one did it ironically. 
• 
  
• Why does the hipster only listen to dead musicians? He knows they’ll always be underground.
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• If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, a hipster will buy the soundtrack?
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• Why do hipsters only use the microwave? They don’t like conventional ovens.
• 
  
• I'm starting a club to capitalize on Hipsters. its 10 dollars not to join.
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• What do you get when you combine a Starbucks and Yoga class? I don’t know, but there’s probably a hipster close by.
• 
  
• Why are hipsters so thin? because they have skinny genes.
• 
  
• Knock knock.. who's there? eh, you probably haven't heard of me.
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• Why did the hipster leave his oceanside mansion? It was too current. 
• 
  
• Is there anything hipsters can't ruin? There is, but you probably haven't heard of it.
• 
  
• How do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream.
• 
  
• How do you know if someone is a true hipster or not?  Wait until they tell you their not, then you know they are.
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• Why didn’t the hipster go to work?  He had caught the uncommon cold.
• 
  
• Why did the hipster drown? He went ice skating before it was cool.
• 
  
• How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? You wouldn’t know, it’s kind of an obscure number. 
• 
  
• Why shouldn't you bet on a hipster in a bike race? Because it's "fixed"
• 
  
• Hipsters wear jackets in the summer, before it's cool. 
• 
  
• How do you kill a hipster? Stab it with a Pitchfork 
• 
  
• Who was the first hipster? You've probably never heard of him. 
• 
  
• Why do hipsters love ice? Because ice was water before it was cool.
• 
  
• Why do hipsters love using the subway? Because its underground. 
• 
  
• If a hipster does something, but doesn't Instagram it, did it really happen? 
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• ATD: At The Doctor's
• BFF: Best Friend’s Funeral
• BTW: Bring the Wheelchair
• BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
• CBM: Covered By Medicare
• CGU: Can’t Get Up
• CR: Can't Remember
• CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
• DTAF: Don’t Trust A Fart
• DWI: Driving While Incontinent
• FWBB: Friend with Beta Blockers
• FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
• FYI: Found Your Insulin
• FYI: For Your Indigestion.
• GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
• GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
• GHA: Got Heartburn Again
• GOML: Get Off My Lawn
• GTG: Got the Gout 
• HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
• IMHMO: In My HMO...
• IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
• JK: Just Kvetching
• LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
• LOL: Living On Lipitor
• LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
• MGAD: My Grandson’s A Doctor
• MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget
• OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
• OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
• OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
• PIMP: Pooped In My Pants
• ROFL CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing, and Can’t Get Up
• RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
• SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
• SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
• TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock - Early Bird Special)
• TLC: Totally Lost Continence
• TOT: Texting on Toilet
• TTYL: Talk To You Louder
• WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
• WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
• WTF: Wet the Floor
• WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
• WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
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• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
• Weight Watchers Demonstrator Shoplifts Cupcakes
• One-Armed Man Applauds The Kindness of Strangers
• Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
• Rally Against Apathy Draws Small Crowd
• Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes On 210, Creates Jam
• New Sick Policy Requires 2-Day Notice
• Midget Sues Grocer, Cites Belittling Remarks
• Slowdown Continues To Accelerate
• Man Accused Of Killing Lawyer Receives A New Attorney
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
• Fish Needs Water, Feds Say
• Guy Kidnaps Ex-Girlfriend To Get Ironing Done
• Mortuary Adds Drive-Through
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Winners Of Drunk Driving Contest Announced
• Authorities Pursue Man Running With Scissors
• Cows Lose Their Jobs As Milk Prices Drop
• Homeless Man Under House Arrest
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Three Ambulances Take Blast Victim To Hospital
• Ants Take A Long Time To Cook In Microwave
• Mayor Parris To Homeless: Go Home
• Author Of Book On How To Avoid Taxes On Trial For Tax Evasion
• Once-Sagging Cloth Diaper Industry Saved By Full Dumps
• Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
• Girl Claims Abuse: No Facebook and Phone
• State Population To Double By 2040; Babies To Blame
• Man Wants "Hell" Taken Out Of "Hello"
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Meeting On Open Meetings Is Closed
• Caskets Found As Workers Demolish Mausoleum
• Local Child Wins Gun From Fundraiser
• Hemorrhoids Inspire Respectful Hindsight
• No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim
• Utah Poison Control Reminds Not To Take Poison
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Bugs Flying Around With Wings Are Flying Bugs
• Students Cook & Serve Grandparents
• Cat Called For Jury Duty
• Florida Woman Calls 911 After McDonald's Runs Out Of McNuggets
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Operator Drops 800-Pound Ball On His Head
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• Experts Are Sure The Dow Will Either Rise Or Decline
• Homicide Victims Rarely Talk To Police
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Police Arrest Florida Man For Drunken Joyride On Motorized Scooter At Walmart
• Threat Disrupts Plan To Meet About Threats
• County To Pay $250,000 To Advertise Lack Of Funds
• Meat Head Resigns
• Teacher Dies; Board Accepts His Resignation
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• State Prisons Replace Easy-Open Locks
• Alton Attorney Accidentally Sues Himself
• Man Shot Twice In Head, Gets Mad!
• Federal Openness Workshop Closed To Public
• Woman Pukes At IKEA, Stays For Nap
• Low Pay Reason For Poverty, Study Says
• Man Eats Underwear To Beat Breathalyzer
• Stabbing Disrupts Class For Anger Management
• Drunk Driver Claims Dog Was Driving
• Pigs Die As House Are Blown Down
• Recall Me Maybe
• Bridges Help People Cross Rivers
• Psychics Predict World Didn't End Yesterday
• Close Look At Dating Finds Men Choose Attractive Women
• Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
• Safety Meeting Ends In Accident
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• City Wants Dead To Pay For Cleanup
• Woman Attacks Man With Bowl of Spaghetti
• Waterford Boy, Age 8, Saves Sister's Life - Youngster used Heimlich, which he learned from TV. Says "I wouldn't do it again, she's been a pain this week."
• US Says Insect Parts, Rat Hair Are OK In Food
• Murderer Says Detective Ruined His Reputation
• Madonna Reads Her 2nd Book
• Man Ate Stolen Ice Cream Sandwich He Kept In Pants
• Volunteers Search For Old Civil War Planes
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• Kenya Believe It?
• City Unsure Why The Sewer Smells
• Most Earthquake Damage Is Caused By Shaking
• Write-In Voting Gets Woman Shot At School Board
• If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
• Sewage Spill Kills Fish, But Water Safe To Drink
• British People Prefer Facebook To Toilets
• Court Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime
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• What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's girlfriend drive?
• A Minni van
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• Why are there no planes where Peter Pan lives?
• Because there is a sign that says "Never Neverland"!
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• Why can't Cinderella play soccer?
• She always runs away from the ball. 
• 
  
• How much did Izzy the pirate pay to get her ears pierced? 
• A buck an ear. 
• 
  
• What time does Donald Duck wake up?
• At the quack of dawn.
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• What do you get when you cross Pooh and a skunk?
• Winnie the P.U.
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• What is Jack Sparrow's favorite restaurant?
• Arrrgh-by's.
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• What did the Daisy Duck say when she bought lipstick?
• Put it on my bill.
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• Mulan, a Buddhist, walks up to a Hot Dog Vendor in Disneyland. She says: "Make me one with everything."
• 
  
• What kind of vegetable do you get when Dumbo walks through your garden?
• Squash
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• Where does Ariel go when one of her friends is missing? 
• The Lost-and-Flounder Department.
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• Why is Cinderella such a lousy football player?
• Because she has a pumpkin for a coach.
• 
  
• What did Mickey Mouse say when Minnie Mouse asked if he was listening?
• I’m all ears.
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• What is Tarzan's favorite Christmas Carol? 
• Jungle Bells.
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• Why did Dopey take a box of crayons with him into the bedroom? Snow White asked him to draw the curtains.
• 
  
• What's Minnie's favorite thing to wear? 
• A Minnie-skirt.
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• Why did Mickey Mouse carry an umbrella?
• It was raining cats and dogs.
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• EPCOT - Every parent carries out toddlers. 
• 
  
• Do you know why Mickey Mouse bought a telescope?
• Because he wanted to see Pluto.
• 
  
• What kind of fairy doesn't take a bath?
• Stinkerbell. 
• 
  
• Why did Sleepy take firewood to bed with him?
• He wanted to sleep like a log.
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• How does Mickey feel when Minnie is mad at him? 
• Mouserable.
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• What does Pooh Bear call his girlfriend?
• Hunny.
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• What do you call a pirate who skips school?
• Captain Hook-y 
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• What did the 101 Dalmatians say after eating dinner?
• That hit the spot.
• 
  
• Why did Captain Hook cross the road?
• To shop at the second-hand store.
• 
  
• What do you get when you cross Huey, Dewey & Louie with a cow?
• Milk and Quackers.
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• Snow White, Cinderella, and Lilo were sitting at a table and Snow White says, "I think my prince is the greatest because he's so charming!"  Cinderella said, "Well, I think my prince is the greatest because he's so handsome!"  Then Lilo stands up and says, "Shut up and order the pizza, you crazy celebutantes! I'm hungry!"
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• What should you say if Donald throws a ball at you?
• DUCK! 
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• Why didn't Winnie The Pooh order dessert?
• He was already stuffed.
• 
  
• What did Snow White say when her photos weren't ready yet?
• Some day my prints will come.
• 
  
• Why did Jasmine go to the fruit stand in the Marketplace?
• She was looking for a date.
• 
  
• How does Luke Skywalker get through the forest?
• Ewoks
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• Why did the angry Jedi cross the road? 
• To get to the Dark Side
• 
  
• Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant and Luke's having trouble.
• Finally, Obi-Wan says, "Use the forks, Luke."
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• Darth Vader and Luke.
• Suddenly in the middle of the fight, Darth Vader pulls Luke to him, and whispers “I know what you’re getting for Christmas!”
• Luke exclaims “But how??!?”
• “It’s true Luke, *breath* I know what you’re getting for Christmas.”
• Luke tries to ignore this, but tears himself free, screaming “How could you know this?!”
• Vader replies, “I felt your presents.”
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• Why did Mickey go into outerspace? 
• To find Pluto.
• 
  
• What happened to Mickey Mouse when he got spun?
• He got Disney.
• 
  
• Why does Alice ask so many questions?
• Because she's in wonderland. 
• 
  
• What does Ariel like on her toast? 
• Mermalade.
• 
  
• What do Winnie-the-Pooh and Bozo the Clown have in common?
• The same middle name.
• 
  
• Why did Goofy wear two pairs of pants when he played golf? 
• He thought he might get a hole in one.
• 
  
• Why does Snow White always treat each of the Seven Dwarfs equally? 
• Because she's the fairest of them all.
• 
  
• What is Grumpy's favorite fruit?
• Sour Grapes.
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• Which state reminds Mickey of his gal? 
• Minniesota.
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• What’s the Cheshire Cat’s favorite drink? 
• Evaporated Milk.
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• How does Clarabelle Cow feel when she's sad?
• Moo-dy.
• 
  
• Why did Goofy stare at the label on the orange juice all day?
• Because the carton said concentrate.
• 
  
• Why did Woody give Bullseye some cough syrup?
• Because he was horse. 
• 
  
• What kind of blush does Mulan wear?
• Mulan Rouge.
• 
  
• What Disney character likes to fix things?
• Tinkerbell.
• 
  
• What is Mickey’s favorite treat?
• Mice cream.
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• A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge." 
• 
  
• I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
• 
  
• Argon walks into a bar, bartender says "SCRAM! We don't serve Noble gasses!" Argon doesn't react.
• 
  
• Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
• The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. 
• 
  
• Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
• He’s 0K now.
• 
  
• Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?
• Because it's in the ground state.
• 
  
• Higgs Boson goes to the Vatican. The pope says "What you doing here Higgs?" Higgs replies "You can't have mass without me!" 
• How do you organize a space party? You planet.
• 
  
• There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary. And those who don't.
• 
  
• A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, "No, I'm traveling light."
• 
  
• How should chemistry be studied? Periodically.
• 
  
• Adam went to Wimpy's Hamburger Restaurant. He asked the waitress, "Do you really serve the meanest burgers in town?" She said, "That's what our motto is, sir! And we are very true to it."
• Adam ordered a hamburger and ate it. While collecting the check, the waitress asked him, "How did you like our burger, sir?"
• Adam said, "Mmmeh! It was about average." The waitress beamed with joy and exclaimed, "You see! We are so true to our motto..."
• 
  
• Silver and Gold walk into a bar.
• Bartender says “‘ey you, get outta here!”
• Gold leaves the bar.
• 
  
• I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
• 
  
• A Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says, "Get out, you blasphemer. How dare you call yourself the 'God particle'?" The Higgs boson replies: "But I make up the mass."
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• The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.
• 
  
• What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
• Fission Chips.
• 
  
• A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
• The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
• The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
• The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."
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• I constantly push the envelope, but it stays stationary.
• 
  
• Where does bad light land?
• In Prism. 
• 
  
• A neutrino walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." Neutrino replies, "Just passing through."
• 
  
• What do you call a microbiologist that has traveled to every country in the world?
• A man of many cultures.
• 
  
• Old chemistry teachers never die, they just fail to react.
• 
  
• A linguistics professor decided to spice up his lecture by comparing languages to mathematics. As he scribbled examples on the board, he explained how both math and languages had positives and negatives.  "In both math and language, two negatives, when combined, make a positive. However," he droned on, "in math or language two positives never make a negative."
• From the back row of the room one student sighed, "Yeah, right."
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• Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.
• 
  
• Mac: I don't know much about electricity
• Teacher: It is shocking.
• 
  
• Do you know any good jokes about sodium? Na.
• 
  
• Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:
• “Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.”
• “Are you sure?”
• “Yes, I’m positive.”
• 
  
• Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.
• 
  
• Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be? 
• 
  
• What did the biologist wear on his first date? 
• Designer jeans.
• 
  
• Two bytes are in a bar. One says to the other, "I'm not feeling that well. I think I have a parity error". The other byte responds, "I thought you looked a bit off!"
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• Where do you put dirty dishes?
• In the zinc.
• 
  
• What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
• You may have graduated but I've got many degrees.
• 
  
• Heisenberg is driving one one day, with Schrödinger riding shotgun. They get pulled over."Do you have any idea how fast you where going?" the officer asks. "No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know precisely where I was." Suspicious, the officer asks that they pop the trunk. He asks, "Did you know you've got a dead cat in here?" Schrödinger replies, "Well, we do now!"
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• What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!
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• A man walks into a bar, goes to the bartender and says, "Give me ten times the number of drinks everyone has in this bar!" 
• The bartender says, "Wow. That's an order of magnitude."
• 
  
• Why didn’t the quantum particle cross the road? He was already on both sides.
• 
  
• Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says, and vanishes in a puff of logic.
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• There are 3 types of people in the world. Those that can count, and those that can't.
• 
  
• Teacher: The Amazon river flows in which state?
• Mac: In liquid state.
• 
  
• What do they do to dead chemists?
• Barium.
• 
  
• Absolute zero is cool.
• 
  
• Why is electricity so dangerous?
• It doesn't conduct itself.
• 
  
• A quantum physicist walks into a bar... ...maybe.
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• An SQL query walks into a bar, goes up to two tables and asks, "May I join you?"
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• Black Holes suck.
• 
  
• I want to make a good chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon.
• 
  
• Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
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• How does Steve get his exercise? 
• He runs around the block. 
• 
  
• Have you heard of the creeper that went to a party?
• He had a BLAST!
• 
  
• What's a ghast's favorite country?
• The Nether-Lands!
• 
  
• What did Steve say as he faced off against a skeleton with his pickaxe?
• "I've got a bone to pick with you."
• 
  
• Why did the Creeper cross the road?
• To get to the other Sssssssside!
• 
  
• Why did the sailor bring iron and gold into his boat?
• He needed oars.
• 
  
• If there will ever be a Minecraft movie, then it would be a blockbuster.
• 
  
• Why can't the Ender Dragon read a book?
• Because he always starts at the End.
• 
  
• How did Steve feel when he spent hours mining only to find nothing but coal?
• Shafted.
• 
  
• Why don't blazes ever make businesses?
• They keep firing people! 
• 
  
• What is the national sport of Minecraft?
• Boxing.
• 
  
• Why did the Creeper cross the road?
• To get to the other sssssssssSSSSSSSSSsside.
• 
  
• What did Steve say to his girlfriend?
• I dig you.
• 
  
• A zombie walks into work, and his boss tells him, "Did you get enough sleep last night? You look a bit dead this morning..."
• 
  
• What kind of parties do Minecraft players have?
• "Block" parties. 
• 
  
• A creeper walks into a bar. Everyone dies.
• 
  
• When I saw the guy with a potion I knew there was trouble brewing.
• 
  
• I asked if I could look for ores in an Italian minecrafter's cave. He said, "No it's-a mine"
• 
  
• This guy started to rage after he found out that he was raided. I told him to take it down a Notch.
• 
  
• I'd tell you a joke about the end, but it will just dragon.
• 
  
• What did the teacher say to the curious jungle cat?
• You sure do Ocelot of questions.
• 
  
• How do you make people change direction in Minecraft?
• You Block their path.
• 
  
• This guy lost everything to a grief raid. You could say he hit bedrock bottom.
• 
  
• Why would a mushroom make a good roommate?
• It's a real fungi.
• 
  
• A sad horse walks into a bar. The villager that is the bar tender says: "Now, why the long face?"
• 
  
• I was having a hard time decorating all the parts in my mycelium build; there was just too mooshroom.
• 
  
• What's Cobblestone's favorite music?
• Rock music.
• 
  
• What did the chicken say to the cow? Pleased to meat you.
• What did the chicken say to the sheep? Pleased to meet ewe.
• What did the chicken say to the ocean? Nothing, it just waved.
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• Did you hear about the murder of the snow golem?
• It became a cold case.
• 
  
• What do you get if you push a music box down a mineshaft?
• A flat minor.
• 
  
• How does Herobrine spy on people? 
• He uses "spy-ders".
• 
  
• Endermen scare people out if their mines.
• 
  
• After I took the wool off a sheep, it told me, "Sheariously?"
• 
  
• Why did the creeper cross the road?
• There was an ocelot chasing him.
• 
  
• What did the minecraft turkey say?
• cobble, cobble, cobble! 
• 
  
• What's so good about cobblestone?
• It's Hand-PICKED.
• 
  
• What is a creeper's favorite subject?
• HisssSSSSStory
• 
  
• I heard Minecraft Steve isn't very good at thinking outside of the box.
• 
  
• Why are there no cars in Minecraft? 
• Because the streets are always blocked off.
• 
  
• Why couldn't the minecraft player go to the bar?
• Because he was a miner.
• 
  
• An Insult:  Your IQ is lower than bedrock.
• 
  
• How good is Minecraft?
• Top-Notch!
• 
  
• Why did the enderman cross the road?
• He didn’t, he Teleported.
• 
  
• What's an enderman's favourite band?
• Imagine Dragons!
• 
  
• How does Steve chop down trees with his fists?
• How wood I know?
• 
  
• What is a pigman's favorite cereal?
• Golden nuggets.
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• How do crazy people go through the forest?
• They take the psycho path.
• 
  
• What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? 
• Sanka. 
• And what kind of lettuce?
• Iceberg. 
• 
  
• How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
• Look for the Fresh Prints.
• 
  
• Where does the one-legged waitress work?
• IHOP
• How do you catch a unique rabbit?
• Unique up on it.
• How do you catch a tame rabbit?
• Tame way, unique up on it.
• What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
• Make me one with everything.  
• The hot dog vendor then gives him the dog and the buddhist gives him a $20. 
• Buddhist – Hey, where’s my change?
• Vendor – Change must come from within.
• 
  
• Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
• Because they have big fingers.
• 
  
• What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
• Nacho Cheese.  
•  
• Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
• Because the chickens wasn't invented yet. 
•  
• Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
•  
• How do you now when its raining cats and dogs?
• When you step in a poodle.
•  
• What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
• A stick
•  
• A duck walked into a drugstore and asked for a tube of ChapStick.
• The cashier said, "That'll be $1.49"
• and the duck said "Put it on my bill". 
•  
• I read a book on helium once. I couldn't put it down!
•  
• A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says "Nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die."
•  
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
•  
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
•  
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
•  
• How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
• She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
•  
• A politician is one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
•  
• The very first doctor of dermatology had to start from scratch.
•  
• This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
•  
• What's brown and sticky?
• A stick
•  
• What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
• A wedding.
• "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
• "Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground."
• 
  
• One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he met a policeman. The policeman said, "What is your name?" "Shut up!"  The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?" "Yes!"  The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?" "In the toilet."
• 
  
• When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous Realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing. The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people." I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"
• 
  
• A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.  Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. "You kids don't know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn't afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light."
• 
  
• Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent?
• He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
• 
  
• What is the definition of an engineer?
• Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
• 
  
• A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any
• help?" she asked."No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need.""Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.
• 
  
• What has three teeth and sixty feet?
• The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.
• 
  
• What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
• A speech impediment.
• 
  
• What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
• Homeless.
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• The family business needs a lookout.
• Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
• You cash your checks at the local liquor store.
• On Sunday's people stop by to ask if you're having a yard sale and you're not.
• People hear your car a long time before they see it.
• Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
• Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
• More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
• Your Junior/Senior Prom had daycare.
• You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
• Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
• You ever ate roadkill for dinner.
• Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
• Your truck has a new sunroof because the shotgun fell off the rack when you slammed the door.
• You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
• You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
• Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
• You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
• Birds are attracted to your beard.
• Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.
• You ever named a child after a dog.
• You are known for your homemade squash wine.
• You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
• You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
• You ever took a six pack to a job interview.
• There are two or more unfilled warrants for your arrest.
• All the back pockets in your pants have circular holes.
• You have one or more rolled vehicles (running or not) in your possession.
• Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
• You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
• Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
• You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
• You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
• Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
• If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
• You buy a case or more of oil a month.
• A family feud arises Sunday morning between family members who want to watch Jimmy Swaggart and those who want to watch wrestling.
• Your truck stalled on the highway and you never went back for it.
• Your car has been towed more than twice as an abandoned vehicle.
• When Sears eliminated their catalog you were forced to start buying toilet paper.
• If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
• You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
• You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
• You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
• You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
• When you take your trash to the dump and you return home with more stuff than you left with.
• You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
• You've painted a car with house paint.
• During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
• Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
• Your home has more miles on it than your car.
• The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
• You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
• The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection
• You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
• People come to your house to ask if they can hunt on your front lawn.
• It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
• You've had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
• You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
• You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife stay up with a sick kid.
• The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
• You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
• You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
• Your grandmother has ever stopped by the side of a highway to take a leak.
• You've been too drunk to fish.
• Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
• You know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
• The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
• You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
• There have been multiple attempts to repossess your appliances.
• Your mama can back down a biker.
• Your bike has a gun rack on it.
• The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just the men.
• You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
• Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
• You ever made change in the offering plate.
• You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
• You own at least 20 baseball hats.
• You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
• You ever used a Weed Eater indoors.
• You can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
• You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
• There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
• Your mother has gotten into a fistfight at a high school sports event.
• Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
• Your two year old has more teeth than you do.
• You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
• You kill dinner two or more times a week.
• You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
• You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
• You have more tattoos than teeth.
• You ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose
• Dressing up is wearing the flannel shirt without any rips in it.
• You refer to the duct tape on your car as "chrome".
• You've ever had to bum chewing tobacco from your wife.
• You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
• Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help remove the wheels and install the skirt.
• When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
• Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
• You have more belt-buckles than pants.
• The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
• Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job: primer red and primer gray.
• The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
• You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
• You mow your lawn and find a car.
• Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
• You ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
• Your idea of dressing up is putting on your other hat.
• The primary color of your car is "bondo".
• You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
• Exxon offered you royalties for your hair.
• You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
• You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
• Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
• When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.
• Your name is Junior, Junior.
• You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
• You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
• Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
• You call your sister, "Dear."
• You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions.
• One or more gears in your car don't work.
• There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
• You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
• You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
• You wish your outhouse were as nice as those at the state park.
• You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
• Anyone in your family died right after saying "Hey, Y'all watch this!".
• Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
• Your yard contains engine parts to more than one vehicle.
• You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
• You ever drove a truck into the creek just to see if it would float.
• You think re-booting your machine refers to kicking the truck tires the second time it won't start.
• The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'
• There have been two or more failed repossession attempts on your car.
• You have scars on the back of your hand where Uncle Jeb stabbed you while you were reaching for the last piece of fried chicken.
• Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
• You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
• Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
• Your father fully executes the "pull my finger" gag during Christmas dinner.
• Stealing road signs is a family outing.
• Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
• Your dog has fleas on the inside of its ears.
• Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
• You have two or more sets of bald tires.
• You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
• You wear your ball cap when you eat in a restaurant.
• You can fart the first six notes of the Star Spangled Banner.
• Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
• You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
• Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
• You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
• You only have pants with a boot cut.
• Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
• After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with empty beer bottles.
• You ever parked a Camero in a tree.
• On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
• You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
• Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
• You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
• Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
• Anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living.
• You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
• You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs.
• You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
• You have the word "howdy" in your answering machine message.
• After removing the empty beer cans from your car, you find that it gets fifteen more miles to the gallon.
• During your wedding, when you kissed the bride, your John Deere hat fell off.
• You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
• You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
• Your mother comes outa the bathroom and says "Y'all come look at this before I flush it"
• You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
• Yer mom calls ya over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house.
• Your sister's education goal is to get out of high school before she gets pregnant.
• You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
• You ever financed a tattoo.
• You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
• Someone asks, "where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "she's at home with the kids."
• Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
• You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
• You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
• You can talk for more than 20 minutes on the difference between squirrel and rabbit stew.
• You've been on TV more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like.
• You bring your dog to work with you.
• You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
• Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
• You bought a DVR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
• There is a stuffed 'possum anywhere in your house.
• You celebrate groundhog day 'cause you believe in it.
• Your girl wears a dress that is strapless and a bra that is not.
• You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
• Anything outside the lower 48 is "overseas."
• The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
• You walk your dog and you both use the same tree down on the corner.
• Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
• In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
• You painted racing flames on the John Deere.
• Your wife has ever had to ask you to move the car's radiator so she could take a bath.
• You have to honk the horn to get the chickens out of the driveway when you come home.
• You have to wash your hands before going to the bathroom.
• You're afraid to wash your car because it may stop running.
• There are enough empty beer cans in your truck that if you turned them all in, you could buy another six-pack.
• Your family tree doesn't fork.
• You think the best beer is brewed in Milwaukee.
• The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
• Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
• You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
• You get mud on your tires when you visit your mom.
• You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
• You ever put oil or anti-freeze in your truck in a K-mart parking lot.
• You can belch and say your name at the same time.
• The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
• You ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
• You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
• Fewer than half of your cars run.
• You think the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
• You ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
• Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
• Someone asks to see your marriage license, and you have to dig through the floorboard of your GTO.
• You know how many bales of hay your car holds.
• You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
• You wrote in Richard Petty's name on a presidential ballot.
• 
  
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• 
  
• 
  
• Christmas Jokes
• ==========================
• 
  
• What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
• Frosted Flakes.
• 
  
• If a reindeer lost its tail, where could he get a new one?
• At a retail store.
• 
  
• What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ?
• Thanks, I'll never part with it.
• 
  
• What did the grape say to the peanut butter?
• "'Tis the season to be jelly".
• 
  
• Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party?
• He had no body to go with.
• 
  
• What did the big candle say to the little candle?
• I'm going out tonight.
• 
  
• What do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
• Freeze a jolly good fellow.
• 
  
• What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
• 
  
• Why did they let the turkey join the band?
• Because he had the drum sticks.
• 
  
• What often falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt?
• Snow.
• 
  
• What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark?
• Frost bite.
• 
  
• What happened to the guy who shoplifted a calendar at Christmas?
• He got 12 months.
• 
  
• What do you call an old snowman?
• Water.
• 
  
• What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?
• Neither, candles always burn shorter.
• 
  
• Why did the mosquito buzz around the bar?
• Because he was a "bar humbug".
• 
  
• Why did Santa Claus take his Christmas tree to the dentist?
• To get a root canal.
• 
  
• What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
• The letter "Y".
• 
  
• What kind of money do they use at the North Pole?
• Cold cash.
• 
  
• What did the reindeer say before beginning his comedy routine?
• This will sleigh you
• 
  
• Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
• He was feeling crummy.
• 
  
• Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
• They both drop their needles.
• 
  
• How is the Christmas alphabet different from the ordinary alphabet?
• The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.
• 
  
• Why is the turkey such a fashionable bird?
• Because he's always well dressed when he comes to dinner.
• 
  
• What goes "oh, oh, oh"?
• Santa walking backwards.
• 
  
• What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
• Claustrophobic.
• 
  
• What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
• It's Christmas, Eve.
• 
  
• How did Scrooge win the football game?
• The ghost of Christmas passed.
• 
  
• Where do snowmen go to dance?
• A snow ball.
• 
  
• How do Santa and Mrs. Claus travel?
• On an icicle built for two.
• 
  
• Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.
• 
  
• What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when the fire is lit?
• Crisp Cringle.
• 
  
• Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
• Because he had low elf esteem.
• 
  
• Why will Santa go down your chimney on Christmas Eve?
• Because it soots him.
• 
  
• What is the best Christmas present in the world?
• A broken drum - you can't beat it.
• 
  
• What do you call a reindeer who wears ear muffs?
• Anything you want. He can't hear you.
• 
  
• How much difference is there between the North Pole and the South Pole?
• All the difference in the world.
• 
  
• What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
• Silent Night.
• 
  
• What do you call an ELF who sings?
• A Wrapper.
• 
  
• What carol is heard in the dessert?
• Camel ye faithful.
• 
  
• What happened when the snowwoman got angry at the snowman?
• She gave him the cold shoulder.
• 
  
• Why does Scrooge love reindeer?
• Because every buck is deer to him.
• 
  
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• 
  
• In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8×10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.
• 
  
• In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for that one.
• 
  
• In prison you get time off for good behaviour. At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
• 
  
• In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
• 
  
• In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
• 
  
• In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you’re just ball-and-chained.
• 
  
• In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
• 
  
• In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you can’t even speak to your family and friends.
• 
  
• In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
• 
  
• In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.
• 
  
• In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
• 
  
• In prison there are sadistic wardens. At work, we have managers.
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
• All men eat, but Fu Man Chu.
• Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
• He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons
• If you want pretty nurse, you must be patient.
• Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
• Man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
• Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
• Man who get hit by car,get that run down feeling 
• Man who gets too big for his britches may get exposed in the end.
• Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself. 
• Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
• Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
• Man who pee on electric fence receive shocking news.
• Man who places head in sand will get kicked in the end.
• Man who pushes piano down mine shaft get A flat miner.
• Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache. 
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Man who run in front of car get tired.
• Man who sit on tack get point.
• Man who sleep in bed of nails is holy.
• Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
• Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloon. 
• Man with one chopstick go hungry.
• Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• It was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode
• only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
• The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
• while visions of Nintendo and Barbie, flipped through their heads.
• 
  
• The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
• with a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
• So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
• which made her sigh, “Now what’s the matter?”
• 
  
• With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
• she descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
• He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
• “Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I have to clean the rug.”
• 
  
• “Ho-ho-ho!” cried Santa, “I’m glad you’re awake.
• Your gift was especially difficult to make.”
• “Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone.”
• “Exactly!” he chuckled, “I’ve made you a clone.”
• 
  
• “A clone?” she asked,“What good is that?
• Run along, Santa, I’ve no time for chit-chat.”
• It was the mother’s twin.
• Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.
• 
  
• “She’ll cook, she’ll dust,
• She’ll mop every mess.
• You’ll relax, take it easy,
• Watch The Young & the Restless.”
• “Fantastic!” the mom cheered.
• “My dream has come true!
• I’ll shop. I’ll read,
• I’ll sleep a whole night through!”
• 
  
• From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
• “Mommy?! I'm scared… and I ‘m wet.”
• The clone replied, “I’m coming, sweetheart.”
• “Hey,” the mom smiled, “She knows her part.”
• 
  
• The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
• as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.
• “You're the best mommy ever. I really love you.”
• The clone smiled and sighed, “I love you, too.”
• 
  
• The mom frowned and said, “Sorry, Santa, no deal.
• That’s my child’s love, she’s trying to steal.”
• Smiling wisely Santa said, “To me it is clear,
• Only one loving mother, is needed here.”
• 
  
• The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
• “Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.
• I sometimes forget, it won’t be very long,
• when they’ll be too old, for my cradle-song.”
• 
  
• The clock on the mantle began to chime.
• Santa whispered to the clone, “It works every time.”
• With the clone by his side Santa said, “Goodnight.
• Merry Christmas, Mom, You’ll be all right....
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• Q: How many Actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
• A: One, but 500 auditioned for the part.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: All of them.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
• A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: 1. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around
• her.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light
• bulb?
• A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while
• the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
• experience.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb
• last rites.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: Three, but they're really one.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has
• burnt out.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Computer nerds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: One to screw it in, one to design the step-by-step program, and one to
• design the web page about doing it.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: None. It turned itself in.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
• specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
• A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
• A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself
• in.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: 100-one to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer does not
• represent mainstream feminism in doing so.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many firefighters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: Three-one to do it and two to cut a hole through the roof.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: Four - One to change the bulb, and three to sing about how good the old
• one was.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Goths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: None. They sit in the dark.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then
• they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt
• because they can't see.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: None, they just have marketing sell the burnt-out bulb as a feature.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell
• it before it crashes.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Jewish Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: What? And wreck my nails?
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and two to feel guilty about it.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and
• watch the old bulb burn.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: None, lawyers only screw us.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Mimes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: None. Mimes only pretend to change the bulb.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
• surprising twist at the end.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
• A: Why does it need changing?
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: Two, one to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want to
• change.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: How many do *you* think it takes?
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Quantum Mechanicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new
• bulb.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: None, they only screw the poor.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Schizophreniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: Both of us
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many Social workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: None, they just write a book called "Coping with Darkness".
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many surgeons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: None. They would wait for a suitable doner and do a filament transplant.
•  
• 
  
• Q: How many system administrators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• A: None, they just deny everyone access to the room.
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice.
• If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
• 
  
• Eating Out
• When the bill arrives, Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.
• When Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
• 
  
• Money
• A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale.
• 
  
• Bathrooms
• A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.
• The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 284. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
• 
  
• Arguments
• Women always have the last word in an argument.
• Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• 
  
• Cats
• Women love cats.
• Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.
• 
  
• The Future
• A woman worries about the future — until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future — until he gets a wife.
• 
  
• Success
• A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
• A successful woman is one who can find that a man.
• 
  
• Marriage
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
• 
  
• Dressing Up
• A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
• 
  
• Natural
• Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.
• Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.
• 
  
• Children
• A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
• 
  
• Maturity
• Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
• 
  
• Handwriting
• To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
• 
  
• Groceries
• A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 12-items-or-less lane.
• 
  
• Going Out
• When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings and finishes putting on her makeup.
• 
  
• Low Blows
• Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, “Oh, gee. That must have hurt.” The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
• 
  
• Laundry
• Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.
• 
  
• The Wedding
• When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about “the ceremony”. Men talk about “the bachelor party”.
• 
  
• Mirrors
• Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, and bald heads.
• 
  
• The Telephone
• Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
• 
  
• Directions
• If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men wil never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like,”Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there.” and, “I know I’m in the general neighborhood. I recognize that Dunkin’ Donuts.”
• 
  
• Admitting Mistakes
• Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
• 
  
• Toys
• Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.
• 
  
• Plants
• A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
• 
  
• Time
• When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game’s just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
• 
  
• Conversation
• Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., “Wow, great movie.”, “What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.”,”Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys”, etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: “That garden by the roadside looks lovely.” “Mm hmm.” Pause. “That was a good restaurant last night, wasn’t it?” “Yeah.” Pause. And so on.
• 
  
• Friends
• Women on a girls’ night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys’ night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are “Pass the Doritos” or “Got any more beer?”
• 
  
• Public Restrooms
• Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, “Hey, Toots, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?”.
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
•  
• The other line always moves faster.
•  
• Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
•  
• If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it.
•  
• If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
•  
• A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
•  
• Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
•  
• If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
•  
• A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
•  
• The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down
• is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
•  
• Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.
•  
• Murphy Was an Optimist........
•  
• When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.
•  
• Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
•  
• When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
•  
• Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
•  
• If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what the heck is going on.
•  
• You will always find something in the last place you look.
•  
• No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
•  
• Leakproof seals - will.
•  
• There is always one more bug.
•  
• In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
•  
• If you fool around with a thing for very long, you will screw it up.
•  
• If if jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
•  
• A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
•  
• Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
•  
• You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.
•  
• Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
•  
• Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
•  
• The first myth of management is that it exists.
•  
• New systems generate new problems.
•  
• Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
•  
• The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
•  
• After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more is said than done.
•  
• A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
•  
• The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
•  
• A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
•  
• If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
•  
• Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.
•  
• Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
•  
• You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
•  
• Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
•  
• A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
•  
• Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
•  
• Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
•  
• The only perfect science is hind-sight.
•  
• When all else fails, read the instructions.
•  
• Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
•  
• The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
•  
• Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
•  
• Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
•  
• The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
•  
• Nothing ever gets built on schedule.
•  
• A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• Meow or bark occasionally.
• Push the buttons & pretend they give you a shock. Smile & go back for more.
• Greet everyone who comes in the elevator with a big handshake.
• Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
• Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action.
• Recite poetry to everyone you meet.
• Lean against the button panel.
• Get two cell phones and talk to yourself on them.
• Scream the floor number as you pass it.
• Floss your teeth
• Bring a portable DVD player and watch your favorite movie with the volume on high
• Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
• Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
• Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
• Start a sing-a-long.
• Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
• Drop a bag of groceries and look around like it was the other peoples fault.
• Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
• Hold the doors open and say you are waiting for a friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say "Hey Greg, How's your day been?"
• Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
• When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
• Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
• Grab a pillow and attempt to fall asleep
• Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
• Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to other people.
• Shadow box.
• Stand really close to someone and sniff them occasionally.
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
• Face the corner and don’t move
• Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
• Call a girl a dude.
• Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
• If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
• Call out, "Group Hug!" & then enforce it.
• Whenever someone steps in the elevator in a deep voice say, "GET OUT!"
• Bring a camera & take pictures of everyone on the elevator.
• Sing the 99 bottles of beer song.
• Pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.
• Ask if you can push the button for the other people and push the wrong ones.
• When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's ok! Don't panic, they will open again!"
• Swat at flies that aren't there.
• Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
• Break dance to elevator music.
• Have a fake obnoxious cell phone conversation
• Pretend you're invisible
• Lay out a small blanket and some food to have a picnic
• Murmur and/or talk to yourself
• Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
• Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
• Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
• One word: Flatulence!
• Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
• Play the harmonica.
• When the elevator dings, scream.
• Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it is getting larger!"
• Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
• Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
• Pick your ear wax.
• Scratch your head excessively
• Walk on making dinosaur noises and nudge people with your nose.
• Say “ding” every time you reach a new floor
• Put powdered sugar in your hair and scratch your head a lot.
• Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.
• Sell Girl Scout cookies.
• Leave a box between the doors.
• Walk around with a plastic sword and shield and tell strangers "I must avenge the death of my father."
• Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
• Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
• Drop and pen & wait until someone goes to pick it up and then scream "NOOO THAT'S MINE!"
• Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."
• Tie bells to all your clothes.
• Sing really off pitch to a popular song.
• Set up a chair and desk in the elevator, and whenever anyone gets on, say, "Hello! Welcome to my office. Do you have an appointment?"
• Sway from side to side the whole ride.
• Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.
• Blow spit-bubbles.
• Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
• Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut-Up, all of you, just shut up!"
• Rock back and forth while sucking on your thumb
• Fake cough/sneeze uncontrollably
• Call McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.
• Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
• Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
• Bring a Twister mat and ask if people want to play.
• When you get to your floor try and open the doors yourself and act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
• Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you are on.
• Bring a chair along.
• Ask people what gender they are.
• Moan "Oh no! Not now! Damn motion sickness!"
• Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" over and over again.
• Insist to a stranger that you're related
• Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
• Drum on every available surface.
• Act drunk.
• Do Tai Chi exercises.
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• Animal trainer’s son: Leo
• Announcer’s son: Mike
• Astrologer’s son: Leo
• Astronomer’s daughter: Star
• Auto mechanic’s son: Jack
• Automobile salesman’s daughter: Mercedes
• Baker’s daughter: Cookie
• Barber’s son: Harry
• Beggar’s daughter – Penny
• Birdwatcher's son: Jay
• Boxer’s son: Jim
• Burger joint owner’s daughter: Patty
• Butcher’s son: Chuck
• Mechanic’s son: Otto
• Cartoonist’s son: Drew
• Cat breeder’s son: Tom
• Cattle thief’s son: Russell
• CEO’s son: Rich
• Chauffeur’s son: Brigham
• Clothing manufacturer’s daughter: Polly Esther
• Collection agency executive’s son: Bill
• College chancellor’s son: Dean
• Comedian’s son – Josh
• Commercial Fisherman’s daughter: Annette
• Computer programmer’s son: Chip
• Cook’s son: Stu
• Crocheter’s daughter: Lacey
• Day-trader’s daughter: Hope
• Dentist’s son – Payne
• Doorman’s son: Matt
• Drapery manufacturer’s sons: Curt and Rod
• Dressmaker’s son: Taylor
• Fisherman’s son: Rod
• Flag-maker’s daughter: Waverly
• Florist’s son: Bud
• Fly fisherman’s son: Wade
• Furniture polisher’s daughter: Buffy
• Gambler’s daughter: Betty
• Gambler’s son: Chip
• Geneticist’s son: Gene
• Gymnast’s son: Matt
• Highway Patrolman’s son: Chase
• Hospital nurse’s son: Ward
• Hot-dog vendor’s son: Frank
• Instruction book author: Manuel
• Iron worker’s son: Rusty
• Irrigation consultant’s daughter: Brooke
• Janitor’s son: Dustin
• Junk yard owner’s son: Rex
• Justice of the peace’s daughter: Mary
• Lawyer’s daughter: Sue
• Lawyer’s son: Will
• Maid’s son: Dusty
• Manicurist’s son: Hans
• Messenger’s son: Harold
• Meteorologist’s daughters: Haley, Gail, Sunny, Misty
• Miner’s son: Cole or Steele
• Minister’s daughter: Faith
• Minister’s son: Neal
• Mob Boss’s son: Don
• Mountaineer’s son: Cliff
• Movie star’s son: Oscar
• Museum curator’s son: Art
• Optician’s daughter – Iris
• Orchestra leader’s daughter: Viola
• Orthotic maker’s daughter: Eileen
• Painter’s sons: Art and Hugh
• Peace officer’s son: Marshall
• Plumber’s daughter: Piper
• Plumber’s sons: John and Lou
• Porter’s son: Cary
• Realtor’s son: Homer
• Researcher’s son: Grant
• Sheet rocker’s son: Wally
• Sound stage technician’s son: Mike
• Steam shovel operator’s son: Doug
• Tanning salon owner's son: Ray
• Tennis player’s son: Ace
• Thief’s son: Rob
• Tire installer’s son: Jack
• Trout fisher’s daughter: Brook
• Undertaker’s sons: Barry and Doug
• University lecturer’s son: Boris
• Wire-fencer’s daughter: Barb
• Woodworker’s daughter: Peg
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• Animal trainer’s son: Leo
• Announcer’s son: Mike
• Astrologer’s son: Leo
• Astronomer’s daughter: Star
• Auto mechanic’s son: Jack
• Automobile salesman’s daughter: Mercedes
• Baker’s daughter: Cookie
• Barber’s son: Harry
• Beggar’s daughter – Penny
• Birdwatcher's son: Jay
• Boxer’s son: Jim
• Burger joint owner’s daughter: Patty
• Butcher’s son: Chuck
• Mechanic’s son: Otto
• Cartoonist’s son: Drew
• Cat breeder’s son: Tom
• Cattle thief’s son: Russell
• CEO’s son: Rich
• Chauffeur’s son: Brigham
• Clothing manufacturer’s daughter: Polly Esther
• Collection agency executive’s son: Bill
• College chancellor’s son: Dean
• Comedian’s son – Josh
• Commercial Fisherman’s daughter: Annette
• Computer programmer’s son: Chip
• Cook’s son: Stu
• Crocheter’s daughter: Lacey
• Day-trader’s daughter: Hope
• Dentist’s son – Payne
• Doorman’s son: Matt
• Drapery manufacturer’s sons: Curt and Rod
• Dressmaker’s son: Taylor
• Fisherman’s son: Rod
• Flag-maker’s daughter: Waverly
• Florist’s son: Bud
• Fly fisherman’s son: Wade
• Furniture polisher’s daughter: Buffy
• Gambler’s daughter: Betty
• Gambler’s son: Chip
• Geneticist’s son: Gene
• Gymnast’s son: Matt
• Highway Patrolman’s son: Chase
• Hospital nurse’s son: Ward
• Hot-dog vendor’s son: Frank
• Instruction book author: Manuel
• Iron worker’s son: Rusty
• Irrigation consultant’s daughter: Brooke
• Janitor’s son: Dustin
• Junk yard owner’s son: Rex
• Justice of the peace’s daughter: Mary
• Lawyer’s daughter: Sue
• Lawyer’s son: Will
• Maid’s son: Dusty
• Manicurist’s son: Hans
• Messenger’s son: Harold
• Meteorologist’s daughters: Haley, Gail, Sunny, Misty
• Miner’s son: Cole or Steele
• Minister’s daughter: Faith
• Minister’s son: Neal
• Mob Boss’s son: Don
• Mountaineer’s son: Cliff
• Movie star’s son: Oscar
• Museum curator’s son: Art
• Optician’s daughter – Iris
• Orchestra leader’s daughter: Viola
• Orthotic maker’s daughter: Eileen
• Painter’s sons: Art and Hugh
• Peace officer’s son: Marshall
• Plumber’s daughter: Piper
• Plumber’s sons: John and Lou
• Porter’s son: Cary
• Realtor’s son: Homer
• Researcher’s son: Grant
• Sheet rocker’s son: Wally
• Sound stage technician’s son: Mike
• Steam shovel operator’s son: Doug
• Tanning salon owner's son: Ray
• Tennis player’s son: Ace
• Thief’s son: Rob
• Tire installer’s son: Jack
• Trout fisher’s daughter: Brook
• Undertaker’s sons: Barry and Doug
• University lecturer’s son: Boris
• Wire-fencer’s daughter: Barb
• Woodworker’s daughter: Peg
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• When I went to the dentist for some root canal work, I lost my nerve.
•  
• Where does the dentist get his gas? At the filling station
•  
• As the judge said to the dentist: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
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• Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.
•  
• Contemplating my imminent root canal was deeply unnerving.
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• Why did the king go to the dentist? To get his teeth crowned.
•  
• Why did the termite eat a sofa and two chairs? It had a suite tooth.
•  
• Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal
•  
• Dentists don't like a hard day at the orifice.
•  
• Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
•  
• Father: Don't you feel better now that you've gone to the dentist? Son: Sure do. He wasn't in.
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• How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His drill slipped.
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• A lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer.
•  
• Larry: I'm suffering from bad breath. Craig: You should do something about it! Larry: I did. I just sent my wife to the
• dentist.
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• Mother: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet? Son: I don't know. The dentist kept it.
•  
• My dentist seems distracted, I think he was brushing me off.
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• Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie.
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• The dentist put braces on his patient as a stop-gap measure.
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• What did one tooth say to the other? Get your cap on, the dentist is taking us out tonight.
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• What did the dentist say to the computer? This won't hurt a byte
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• What did the dentist say to the golfer? "You have a hole in one."
•  
• What does a dentist do on a roller coaster? He braces himself
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• What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque
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• What time is it when you must go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty.
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• What to do you call an old dentist? A bit long in the tooth
•  
• What's the best thing to put into a pizza? Your teeth.
•  
• Why is the Tooth Fairy so smart? She has a lot of wisdom teeth.
•  
• Why was the man arrested for looking at sets of dentures in a dentist's window? Because it was against the law to pick
• your teeth in public. 
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• Do all your homework in the bathroom, using the toilet as a desk.
• Hang all of your posters up facing the wall.
• Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until s/he pays the tickets.
• Whenever he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why....".
• Repeat everything your roommate says.
• Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
• Constantly clog the toilet and flush till it fills up with water, then close the lid and tell no one.
• Tell your roommate on a daily basis that s/he is projecting negative karma.
• Paint the walls in their room black telling them not to worry, it's only water paint.
• Talk while pretending to be asleep.
• As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
• Sit and stare at them while they are doing some other task. If they look over at you, very slowly move your head and gaze in another direction. Go back to staring at them, and repeat as many times as you can before they leave. Mumbling to yourself helps as well.
• Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
• Chew with your mouth open. Works really well with super crunchy food such as apples.
• Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
• Have really weird friends who have strange loud conversations. Whenever your roommate walks in, you all be quiet and stare at him/her until s/he leaves.
• Cut the faces out of all your pictures.
• When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
• Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
• Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He/She just didn't belong."
• Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
• Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
• Dress as similarly as possible like your roommate. Walk closely next to him/her the whole day, remarking "Don't we look like twins?" to any passersby.
• Cultivate a lisp. Claim it's an accent.
• Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that s/he needs bowling shoes.
• Listen to radio static.
• Say everything in Pig Latin.
• Get some pets - preferably two hyperactive cats and a bird.
• If you live on the first floor, refuse to use the door. Climb in and out through the window. Claim doctor's orders.
• Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
• Make your bed 15 times a day. Sleep on the floor.
• Don't communicate with your roommates directly. If you need to tell them something, call a designated proxy (preferably your parents) and have them call your roommates. Once mastered, try to maximize the number of proxies.
• When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after s/he gets home, walk out. If s/he comments, act as if you don't know what s/he's talking about.
• Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
• Clip ads out of Soldier of Fortune and Weaponmaster Quarterly.
• Eat lots of alphabet soup. Throw out any of the letters that are in your roommate's name; claim you want nothing to do with them.
• If your roommate has cans of Chef Boyardee, buy dog food in similar-size cans. Switch the labels.
• Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime.
• Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).
• Carry a crowbar with you at all times. Dress it.
• Whenever your roommate goes to sleep, wake up. Whenever your roommate wakes up, go to sleep.
• Hide a bunch of potato chips and Twinkies in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash, find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that he reimburse you.
• Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
• Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.
• Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
• Pick up the phone every two minutes. Then slam it down and say, "Damn, missed them again!" Continue for two weeks.
• Let mice loose in his/her room.
• Ask your roommate to pose for a portrait. Leave.
• When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
• Talk. A lot.
• Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.
• Frantically scribble something on paper. When finished, eat it. Start again.
• Set your alarm clock to go off 1 hour after you leave the house for the day. Make sure the volume is turned up.
• Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what s/he is talking about.
• Take their food out of the fridge and replace it with yours.
• Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
• Learn to play an accordion.
• Have your insane family come stay with you for the week.
• Replace his/her toothpaste with Fix-O-Dent.
• Learn the words to all your roommate's favorite songs. Sing along.
• Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
• Put your underwear in the fridge, and on their food.
• Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
• Build a creepy shrine devoted to the roommate you want to get rid of.
• Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
• Smile. All the time.
• Mention that you spent some years as a student revolutionary hiding in Canada. Stop. Look over your shoulder.
• Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
• Make the other roommates take their shoes off by the door. The key is to then take all of their shoes and put them in a bin in the bottom of the closet. Do this all the time and only to their shoes. Your shoes are cool enough to stay by the front and back door.
• Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When s/he returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
• Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If s/he tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
• Spend 90% of your time at home whistling. Don't go for a tune or anything, just random notes.
• Drink directly from the bottles/containers rather than using a glass.
• Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
• Keep the room temperature at a level that only you can be comfortable with, i.e., 65 F in the wintertime or below.
• Call him/her Mommy.
• Praise The Computer. Call your roommate "citizen" and ask him if he is happy. Every five minutes.
• Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If s/he walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
• Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.
• Wish your roommate "Happy small reptile day". Everyday.
• Build a snowman out of big balls of toilet paper. Throw water on it and begin to cry that the snowman is melting.
• Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
• Subscribe to as many mailing lists and reply to as much junk mail as possible under your roommate's name. Complain that you never get mail.
• Make your finger talk to you.
• Buy a jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out and then scream.
• Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
• Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
• Dress in drag.
• Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your roommate every time s/he takes a step in the room. Put up a "please don't walk on the grass" sign.
• Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if s/he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
• Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
• Pack your roommate's clothing in ice overnight. Put it back in the dresser before s/he wakes up.
• Watch nothing but Japanese animation. Sing along (in Japanese) to the soundtracks.
• Answer everything with, "Why?"
• Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
• Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
• Always flush the toilet three times.
• Spell out the last word of each sentence you say to your roommate.
• Twitch a lot.
• Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
• Walk and talk backwards.
• Remove your door. Replace it with a bead hanging or an animal hide.
• Communicate using only your eyebrows and tongue.
• Throw your dirty clothes on THEIR bed.
• Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.
• Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When s/he leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
• Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any cookbooks or recipes.
• Build an antfarm. Let your ants have "jailbreaks". Then ask your roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade ants.
• If they ever put sticky notes saying "Don't eat" or "Don't drink" on the food and beverages, make sure you eat the immediately then claim you didn't notice the note.
• Constantly wear their good clothes.
• Sacrifice vegetables in the middle of the room.
• Constantly slip and fall on your carpet.
• Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
• Become a Trekkie. Talk to your communicator. Tell Scottie to beam you up and run quickly from the room. If your roommate asks, tell him/her "Dammit, Jim, I'm just a doctor!"
• Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
• Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If s/he asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
• Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "Who the hell do you think you are? A king?"
• Start a scab collection. Keep it in a locked glass case on your desk. Tell your roommate that you know s/he was looking for the key.
• Challenge your roommate to a duel. If s/he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that s/he remove all of his/her possessions immediately.
• Walk like an Egyptian.
• Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
• Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
• Read your textbooks aloud. Ask your roommate for help on big words.
• Hide road kill under their bed.
• Completely over-decorate for the holidays. Make sure to place a really obnoxious decoration on the coffee table so that it clearly blocks view of the television. Also get a bunch of noise makers so that you can't move around the house/apartment without three going off at a time. Bitterly complain when nobody helps you take the decorations down.
• Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...."
• Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
• Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
• Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.
• Every time one of his friends walks into the room, scan them with a tricorder.
• Use a bible as Kleenex.
• Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
• Hoard the glasses. When your roommate leaves the room, at any time, and if only for a second, take the glass and place it in the dishwasher. If they confront you, tell them you thought it was a dirty, dirty glass and that they can get a new one out of the cupboard -- if they go to get another glass, ask them to start the dishwasher while they're over there.
• Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him/her "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
• When you write, use the wrong end of the pen. Ask him/her why it doesn't work. When s/he explains it to you, nod thoughtfully and say, "OK, I've got it." Turn the paper over, and try again.
• Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
• When your roommate is typing, type on your keyboard in synchronization.
• Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..."
• Claim to your friends (in the presence of your roommate) that you once learned how to diagnose psychological diseases by simply looking at people. Walk up to your roommate and whisper in his ear that the Mayo Clinic is only four hours away by air.
• Count down the days till the next full moon. Whenever you cross out another day, get a wild look in your eyes and mutter, "Soon...so very soon..."
• When someone is in the bathroom, about to take a shower or just using the toilet, knock on the door extremely hard, shout extremely loud saying you gotta pee really bad and basically do everything you can to get them out of there. Do this every time they use the bathroom.
• Learn a lot of quotations. Whenever you talk to your roommate, say nothing but quotes for several weeks.
• Whenever you're talking to your roommate, add extra words to your sentences ("Hey Dan, did you turn in your Calculus -lick- homework?"). When talking to other people around your roommate, add his/her name to your conversation ("Can you give me the -Dan- notes for Friday's physics class?"). If your roommate comments, act as if you don't know what s/he's talking about.
• Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
• Talk like a pirate, all the time. Refer to your roommate as "matey." Threaten to make him/her walk the plank if s/he doesn't swab the deck.
• Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When s/he brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If s/he ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until s/he does so.
• Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, she's around here somewhere."
• Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.
• While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
• Lay in the middle of the room and chant to pagan gods.
• Hide your dirty dishes under their bed.
• Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
• Make a voodoo doll of your roommate. Kill it.
• Turn off the microwave when they're using it and put your own food in, claiming "It'll only be for a minute", then put it on for half an hour.
• Stick post-its of reminders all around the house.
• Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while s/he is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
• Put Vaseline on everything. Tell your roommate that you were just trying to "loosen up" the room.
• Buy a copy of Helter Skelter or Silence of the Lambs or any equally gruesomely titled book. Sit in a room with your roommate and read the book (or pretend to) with a highlighter mumbling, "That looks good..." as you highlight passages in the book.
• Have an invisible friend. Say you are giving him the silent treatment.
• Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
• Wear scary Halloween masks.
• Dye all your underwear lime green.
• Speak in tongues.
• Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.
• Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
• Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
• Scratch your head a lot. Pretend to eat the lice you find. Offer one to your roommate.
• Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."
• Leave morbid outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.
• Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
• Nail boards across your window. When your roommate asks why, tell him/her you know they're all watching you.
• Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
• Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night. If s/he agrees, ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.
• Go through medical supply catalogs circling all electric drill and suction devices. Leave them (the catalogs, not the devices) lying around.
• Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
• Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."
• Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
• Hide laxatives in all their food and hoard all the toilet paper.
• Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
• Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
• Leave Kleenexes dipped in mayonnaise on the floor. Tell guests that your roommate is disgusting and show them.
• Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry, little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."
• Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man/woman to find.
• Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
• Burn incense.
• Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlety. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything he owns to the ceiling.
• Skip to the bathroom.
• Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him of stealing them.
• Begin to accumulate a used gum ball. Weigh it every day. Accuse your roommate of stealing gum.
• Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If s/he asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
• Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? S/he won't be here much longer."
• Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.
• Groom yourself like a cat.
• Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you're afraid of aliens.
• Take karate lessons. Insist on practicing the screams and moves in the room.
• Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
• Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If s/he asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
• Announce everything you do as a group activity. (i.e. "We're going to bed now.") If your roommate fails to do whatever you said, accuse him/her of not being a "team player."
• Put masking tape on the windows in occult patterns.
• Switch the sheets on your beds while he is at class.
• Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh wow! 894-8302! Holy cow!")
• Use a watergun for a TV remote control.
• Name your books. Call them like dogs when it's time to study.
• Every now and then start twitching violently and scream "Snakes, snakes!"
• Nail meat to the walls. Bacon is best.
• Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
• Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
• Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
• Disconnect the Internet when you think your roommates really need it or when you feel like it. Also institute stupid firewall policies that block them from Twitter, Facebook, other common services. Or as an alternative, get your own personal laptop and load your roommates' computer with plenty of advertisement-displaying software.
• Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
• Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"
• Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
• Shave one eyebrow.
• Put a combination lock on the fridge.
• Write backwards on the walls.
• Eat all of roommate's food in fridge or off his/her plate
• Play hide and seek with yourself. If your roommate asks what you're doing behind the couch, under the table, etc., look at them exasperatedly, come out of hiding and tell him/her that s/he gave away your hiding place. Refuse to talk to him/her for several hours.
• Refer to yourself in the royal third person.
• Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
• Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
• Save the wrappers to everything that you eat. Collect them in a ball and store it on your roommate's bed.
• Get a Brother P-Touch labeler. Label EVERYTHING!!!
• Explain that you need to sell your bed to make ends meet. Ask if you can sleep in your roommate's bed. If s/he refuses, ask if you can sell his/her bed instead.
• Compose an obituary for your roommate. Keep it posted in a conspicuous place and update it frequently. Report the date of death as one week before the end of the semester.
• Steal all of your roommate's pens.
• Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If s/he refuses, insist that s/he do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
• Instead of taking your garbage out to the curb, leave it by the backdoor and yell at them when they don't take it out to the curb -- after all, you did all the hard work.
• Unplug everything in the room.
• Do impressions all the time, like of Arnold Schwarzenegger or Jerry Seinfeld.
• Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
• Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
• When talking to him/her, alternate between being exceedingly polite and disgustingly rude every sentence.
• Meditate in a kimono in the living room when your roommate has guests.
• Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
• Accidentally fill the shampoo bottle with hair dye.
• Administer last rites as s/he sleeps.
• Cry a lot.
• Redivide the room horizontally. Claim you want the bottom half.
• Start a post-it note collection. When complete, wallpaper the entire dorm room with it.
• Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
• Play violent games with imaginary friends.
• Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
• Array thirteen candles of different colors and sizes on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
• Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.
• Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.
• Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
• Give your roommate a jar of peanuts. Wait until s/he has eaten half of them, then explain they used to be chocolate-covered, but you licked all the chocolate off of them. As an aside, mention that you are coming down with the flu.
• Mount a wall-sized mirror on your wall and then ask your roommate not to look at it because demonic forces from the other side will escape into this world if s/he does.
• Develop ESP. Answer all of your roommate's questions before s/he asks them.
• Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
• Never flush the toilet.
• Become a secret agent for a week. Eat every piece of paper after reading it. Speak into your lapel. Accuse your roommate of stealing the secret plans to the world's greatest battle station.
• When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching you."
• Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
• Take up playing a musical instrument. Practice constantly in the room, but don't play anything coherent. Play "Hot Cross Buns" or similar three-note songs twenty times until you get it perfect.
• Hide under their bed.
• Vacuum the carpets in the middle of the night.
• Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If s/he protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
• Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
• Wear a silly hat.
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
•  Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
•  
• - Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
•  
• - The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.
•  
• - The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
•  
• - Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.
•  
• - When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
•  
• - Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
•  
• - Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
•  
• - Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
•  
• - We are the people our parents warned us about.
•  
• - Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
•  
• - Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
•  
• - How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
•  
• - There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
•  
• - Power means not having to respond.
•  
• - Never kick a man unless he's down.
•  
• - Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
•  
• - The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
•  
• - I'm not as dumb as you look.
•  
• - I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
•  
• - When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
•  
• - Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.
•  
• - I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.
•  
• - I'm the person your mother warned you about.
•  
• - I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.
•  
• - Our parents were never our age.
•  
• - Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
•  
• - In the country of the blind the one eye'd man is king.
•  
• -He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
•  
• - It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
•  
• - He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
•  
• - You can't fall off the floor.
•  
• - I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
•  
• - I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
•  
• - Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.
•  
• - The future isn't what it used to be.
•  
• - Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
•  
• - I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
•  
• - Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
•  
• - There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.
•  
• - Bureaucrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They merely adjust the compass.
•  
• - The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
•  
• - You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.
•  
• - I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.
•  
• -Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
•  
• - When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
•  
• - It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.
•  
• - I'm not cynical, just experienced.
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
•  Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
•  
• - Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
•  
• - The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.
•  
• - The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
•  
• - Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.
•  
• - When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
•  
• - Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
•  
• - Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
•  
• - Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
•  
• - We are the people our parents warned us about.
•  
• - Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
•  
• - Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
•  
• - How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
•  
• - There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
•  
• - Power means not having to respond.
•  
• - Never kick a man unless he's down.
•  
• - Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
•  
• - The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
•  
• - I'm not as dumb as you look.
•  
• - I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
•  
• - When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
•  
• - Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.
•  
• - I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.
•  
• - I'm the person your mother warned you about.
•  
• - I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.
•  
• - Our parents were never our age.
•  
• - Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
•  
• - In the country of the blind the one eye'd man is king.
•  
• -He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
•  
• - It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
•  
• - He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
•  
• - You can't fall off the floor.
•  
• - I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
•  
• - I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
•  
• - Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.
•  
• - The future isn't what it used to be.
•  
• - Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
•  
• - I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
•  
• - Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
•  
• - There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.
•  
• - Bureaucrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They merely adjust the compass.
•  
• - The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
•  
• - You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.
•  
• - I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.
•  
• -Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
•  
• - When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
•  
• - It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.
•  
• - I'm not cynical, just experienced.
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• A man goes to a Halloween party with a woman on his back.
• The host asks him, "And what are you?"
• The man says, “I’m a snail."
• The host says, "And who's that on your back?"
• And the man says, "That's Michelle!"
• 
  
• What is a slug?
• A snail with a housing problem.
• 
  
• Whats the difference between a politician and a snail? One is slimy, a pest and leaves a trail everywhere, and the other is a snail.
•  
• What did the snail say to his ex wife?....
• ‘I’M STILL LEAVING YOU!’
•  
• A snail goes to a Cadillac dealership and buys a new car. But when he buys it he has specific instructions for the dealer.
• "I want you to give it a paint job" says the snail.
• "Sure, what color?" says the dealer.
• "I want you to paint a big red S on the hood, the doors, the roof and the trunk." instructs the snail.
• "Sure thing," says the dealer, "but can I ask why?"
• The snail looks at him and explains:
• " So when I go driving up and down the strip all the people watching me say "Look at that S Car Go!!!!
•  
• Why did the shy snail drink?
• ‘to come out of his shell!’
• 
  
• why did the other snail drink?
• ‘because he was an alcoholic!’
•  
• Why did the snail cross the road?
• I don't know but I'll let you know when it gets here.
•  
• Where do you find Giant snails?
• On the end of Giant's fingers!
•  
• What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back?
• "Wheeee!!!"
• 
  
• A snail walks into a bank to make a deposit. Then a turtle comes in and robs the bank. Afterward, the police are interviewing the snail and asks him to recount what had happened. The snail says, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• All the toilet seats at the police station were stolen. The thief is still
• at large. The police are having a time figuring it out, and they have
• nothing to go on.
• A van-load of wigs were stolen yesterday. Police are combing the area for
• clues.
• 
  
• How does the LAPD play poker?
• Four clubs beat a king.
• 
  
• The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding,
• rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
• The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
• When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
• ticket.
•  
• 
  
• The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see
• you in here again."
• "Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police,
• but they wouldn't listen."
•  
• A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads
• "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and
• he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
• Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around
• to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
• The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
• gas."
•  
• A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
• radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police
• department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed
• photo -- of handcuffs.
•  
• A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the
• driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding? But officer, I was only
• trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car behind me."
• Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged,
• whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of
• the law.
• A jury commissioner received a reply in response to a jury summons. It said:
• I would be most happy to serve, but first you will have to make arrangements
• for my release from jail.
•  
• A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says
• here that you should be wearing glasses."
• The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
• The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
•  
• A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said,
• "What will you take....30 days or $30."
• The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."
•  
• This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him
• over. "You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked."
• "'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.
•  
• 
  
• Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
• The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
• The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
•  
• A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up
• beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
• "No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"
•  
• 
  
• A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike. The
• officer says, "Pull over", and the driver pulls over to the side of the
• road.
• He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?".
• The police officer says, "No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile
• back."
• The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf."
•  
• "Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court
• judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
• "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then
• I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
•  
• 
  
• A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the
• car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice
• your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
• The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice
• your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
•  
• 
  
• Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What
• would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
• New Recruit: Call for backup!
• A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
• "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
• trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can
• punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
• "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's
• arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
• The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his
• artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
•  
• A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell
• the truth?"
• The father thought for a moment. "Yes son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer
• will do anything to win a case."
•  
• 
  
• A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed
• over, started handing out business cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing.
• I'll take either side."
•  
• 
  
• An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin
• crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an
• emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight
• attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
• "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is
• still going around passing out business cards."
•  
• 
  
• A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada
• Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention.
• More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages.
• The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they
• would release one lawyer every hour.
•  
• 
  
• Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced
• sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
• The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't
• eat your own sandwiches in here!"
• The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then
• exchanged sandwiches.
•  
• A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the
• streets, a car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd
• gathered. Going by instinct, the lawyer was eager to get to the injured, but
• he couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting
• loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
• The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
•  
• A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's
• grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little
• girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
• "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
• "The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
•  
• 
  
• A bus load of lawyers were driving down a country road when all of a sudden
• the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
• The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then
• proceeded to dig a hole and bury the lawyers.
• A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then
• asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
• The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know
• how them lawyers lie."
•  
• 
  
• A doctor and a lawyer in separate vehicles collided on I-95 one foggy night.
• The fault was questionable, but both were shaken up, and the lawyer offered
• the doctor a drink from a pocket flask. The doctor took the flask with a
• shaking hand and belted back a couple of swallows.
• As the lawyer started to put the cap back on the flask the doctor asked,
• "Aren't you going to have one too, for your nerves?"
• "Of course I am," replied the lawyer, "after the Highway Patrol gets here."
•  
• 
  
• What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
• The lawyer charges more.
• What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
• Senator.
• How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
• Depends on how thin you slice them.
• When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
• Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
• Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
• No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
• Where can you find a good lawyer?
• In the cemetery!
• It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... I saw a lawyer with
• his hands in his own pockets!
• What's the definition of a tragedy?
• A busload of lawyers crashes off a cliff and one seat is empty.
• How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
• She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
•  
• 
  
• A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total-loss and
• covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend,
• "What's happened to your car?"
• "Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."
• "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves,
• the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
• "Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
•  
• 
  
• Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx
• Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place. Frantically, the
• keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages. Finally
• he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"
• "A lawyer? Why??"
• "We need someone who speaks their language!"
•  
• 
  
• When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal
• gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal
• in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense
• lawyer.
•  
• A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions
• gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to
• escape.
• "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
• The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when
• we broke in!"
•  
• 
  
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
• A lawyer was visiting a farmer on business, when he stepped out of his
• Mercedes in the farmyard he stepped into a cow dropping. Looking down he
• cried, "My god I'm melting!"
• The post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers.
• It seems that people were confused as to which side to spit on.
• What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
• You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.
• What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
• A tick falls off of you when you die.
• What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
• A Doberman.
• Shortly after a car was broadsided in a busy intersection, a good Samaritan
• rushed to see if anyone was hurt. He saw that the driver was dazed and
• bleeding. "Hang in there, lady," he said. "Are you badly hurt?"
• "How the hell should I know?" she snapped. "I'm a doctor, not a lawyer."
• A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
• serve lawyers here?"
• "Sure do," replied the bartender.
• "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
• 'gator."
• Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
• If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they
• cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
• Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
• What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
• Lipstick.
• What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
• Skeet.
• A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of
• eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate
• conversation with a beautiful woman. "What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I
• have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous
• woman."
• Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are
• you to question that woman's punishment?"
•  
• Two Scientists were working late discussing ideas about behavior
• modification studies. "We've started something new at my lab," said the
• first scientist. "For some of our more dangerous experiments, we're now
• using lawyers".
• "Lawyers?" asks the second scientist. "Why aren't you using rats?"
• "Well you know how it is," the first scientist replies. "You can get
• attached to rats."
•  
• 
  
• What do lawyers use for birth control?
• Their personalities.
• What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in
• the road?
• There are skid marks in front of the dog.
• What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
• Not enough sand.
• How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
• Cut the rope.
• How do you save a drowning lawyer?
• Take your foot off his head.
•  
• 
  
• The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them
• jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office. I
• forgot to lock the safe!"
• "What are you worried about?" the other said. "We're both here."
•  
• A lawyer is talking to his client. He says, "I have some good news, and I
• have some bad news."
• The client says, "I could use some good news. What is it?"
• "You ex-wife is not making you pay on further inheritance."
• "Great! Now what's the bad news?"
• "Well, uh..she's marrying your father."
•  
• How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
• You can't get your finger between the rope and his neck.
• What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?
• One is a cold blooded bottom dwelling scavenger and the other is a fish.
• What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q of 40?
• Your Honor.
• What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
• God doesn't think He's a lawyer.
• What do you call 100,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
• A good start.
•  
• A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the
• tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce,
• Malpractice."
• Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry. I
• can't believe a mistake like this has been made on your wife's tombstone!"
• Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand! They left out the
• phone number!"
•  
• A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked him what his rates were. "$50
• for three questions," the lawyer replied.
• "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
• "Yes," the lawyer replied. "And what is your third question?"
•  
• Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
• Professional courtesy.
• How do you kill a lawyer when he's drinking?
• Slam the toilet seat on his head.
• What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
• Vultures wait 'until you're dead to rip your heart out.
• You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have
• a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
• Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
• 
  
• Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
• A: His lips are moving.
• Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
• in the road?
• A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
• Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
• A: Professional courtesy.
• What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
• Not enough sand.
• Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
• A. From chasing parked ambulances.
• Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
• A. In the cemetary
• Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
• A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
• Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
• A: It might be your bicycle.
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• Did you hear that researchers have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary?
• It runs in your jeans.
•  
• My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him
• back in the early days of his practice. He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away
• that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the
• directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he
• abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.  Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that  he baby still had an earache, and his little bottom was getting really
• greasy with all those drops of oil.  The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist
• had typed the following instructions on the label:
• "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
•  
• I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
• poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
• daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful
• and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
• She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention
• that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
• I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.
•  
• A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a
• cavity that would have to be filled. "Now, young man," asked the dentist,
• "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"
• "Chocolate, please," replied the youngster
•  
• A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car
• shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car,
• the father kept saying "I don't know how he did it!" Finally the doctor
• removed the car, and the father and son left. A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS
• nose. He told the doctor, "I know how he did it!"
•  
• At an international conference, an American, a Brit, and a Russian were
• discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses. 
• "I can't stand it sometimes. We treat people for cancer, and then they die
• of AIDS".
• "I know what you mean." said the Brit. "We treat them for yellow fever, and
• it turns out they had malaria. Then, of course, they die".
• "That is not a problem in our country" said the Russian doctor. "When we
• treat people for a disease, they die of *that* disease."
•  
• An eighth-grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for
• being President of the United States. After the teacher commented that a
• person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand.
• "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be
• President?"
• 
  
• Patient to eye doctor:
• "I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation,doctor. What are the
• chances?"
• Eye doctor to patient: "Don't worry you won't be able to see the
• difference."
• 
  
• Did you hear about the optician who fell into a lense grinder and made a
• spectacle of himself?
• 
  
• "In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to
• retrieve my son's rat." Richard Stone told doctors in the severe burns unit of
• San Francisco City Hospital. Admitted for emergency treatment after an
• attempt to retrieve the rat had gone seriously wrong, he explained, "My son
• left the cage door open, so his rat, Vermin, escaped into the garage. As
• usual, it looked for a good place to hide, and ran up the exhaust pipe of my
• motorcycle. I tried to retrieve Vermin by offering him food attached to a
• string, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the pipe and struck
• a match, thinking the light might attract him."
•  
• At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had
• happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of residual gas and a flame shot
• out the pipe igniting Mr. Stone's mustache and severely burned his face. It
• also set fire to the pet rat's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a
• larger pocket of gas further up the exhaust pipe which propelled the rodent
• out like a cannonball." Stone suffered second- degree burns, and a broken
• nose from the impact of the pet rat. His son was grounded for 6 weeks.
• Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his right arm off. Sam
• wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The
• surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back
• in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got
• done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to
• the pub and saw John throwing darts with his right arm.
•  
• A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off.
• Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon.
• The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam
• returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down
• at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John,
• kicking goals.
•  
• A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam
• put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the
• surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve
• hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry,
• John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are toughest." The surgeon said,
• "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"
•  
•  
• A guy walks into the psychiatrist's and says "Doctor, doctor, you've got to
• help me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!" The shrink says "Sit
• over there and I'll deal with you later."
• 
  
• Doctor: What's the condition of the boy who swallowed the quarter?
• Nurse: No change yet.
• 
  
• Doctor: You only have six months to live.
• Man: I can't pay the bill.
• Doctor: Alright, I'll give you another six months.
• 
  
• A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:
• "It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
• "And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
• "And here" (his leg)
• "And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)
• So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong...
• "You've got a broken finger!"
•  
• A distraught man ran into the doctor's office.
• "Doc!" The man screamed, "I've lost my memory!"
• "When did this happen?" asked the doctor.
• The man looked at him and said, "When did what happen?"
• 
  
• He finally invested in a hearing aid after becoming virtually deaf. It was
• one of those invisible hearing aids.
• "Well, how do you like your new hearing aid?" asked his doctor.
• "I like it great. I've heard sounds in the last few weeks that I didn't know
• existed."
• "Well, how does your family like your hearing aid?"
• "Oh, nobody in my family knows I have it yet. Am I having a great time! I've
• changed my will three times in the last two months."
• 
  
• What kind of physician works on a cruise liner?
• A dry doc.
•  
• How is a hospital gown like insurance?
• You're never covered as much as you think you are.
•  
• Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a kleptomaniac.
• Doctor: Don't worry. I think there's something you can take for that.
•  
• What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?
• Saturday Night Fever.
•  
• Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same
• street?
• They were arch enemies.
•  
• As a doctor was examining his patient, he asked, "Any coughing, wheezing or
• shortness of cash?"
•  
• My Mom got the Amish flu. First she got a little horse, then she got a
• little buggy.
•  
• When the hospital gives you one of those skimpy gowns, you know the end is
• in sight.
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
• I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
• Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
• I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
• Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But
• when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
• Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,and anyone
• going faster than you is a maniac.
• You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day
• when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
• The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
• dead in otherwise.
• Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing,a bank
• robbery has just taken place.
• I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other
• one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
• locks,they are always locking three.
• I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
• language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be,but
• I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't
• afraid of vacuum cleaners.
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering
• from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they
• are okay, then it's you.
• TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a
• bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
• I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
• "because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go. I think my mother is
• attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
• A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know
• a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic
• tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you
• too!"
• Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
• fish-burger and I realize, "Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
• Writing science labs is a simple task. You just have to list facts down and
• a write conclusion based on your facts. Like this one: You have scalpel, and
• a frog. Stab the frog with a scalpel. The conclusion: The frog is dead.
• 1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• 2. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
• 3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
• 4. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
• 5. Is it possible to be totally partial?
• 6. What's another word for thesaurus?
• 7. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
• 8. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights
• off?
• 9. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
• 10. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
• 11. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• 12. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
• silent?
• 13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• 14. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
• 15. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• 16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
• 17. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only
• endangered plants?
• 18. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
• 19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
• 20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• 21. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
• considered a hostage situation?
• 22. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
• still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
• 23. Is there another word for synonym?
• 24. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• 25. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• 26. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown
• away?
• 27. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
• 28. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• 29. Why do they report power outages on TV?
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
•