jery seinfeld jokes New

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
2. I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
3. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
4. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
5. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But
6. when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
7. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,and anyone
8. going faster than you is a maniac.


9. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day
10. when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
11. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
12. dead in otherwise.
13. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing,a bank
14. robbery has just taken place.
15. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other
16. one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
17. locks,they are always locking three.
18. I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
19. language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be,but
20. I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't
21. afraid of vacuum cleaners.
22. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering
23. from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they
24. are okay, then it's you.
25. TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a
26. bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
27. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
28. "because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go. I think my mother is
29. attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
30. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know
31. a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic
32. tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you
33. too!"
34. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
35. fish-burger and I realize, "Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
36. Writing science labs is a simple task. You just have to list facts down and
37. a write conclusion based on your facts. Like this one: You have scalpel, and
38. a frog. Stab the frog with a scalpel. The conclusion: The frog is dead.
39. 1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
40. 2. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
41. 3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
42. 4. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
43. 5. Is it possible to be totally partial?
44. 6. What's another word for thesaurus?
45. 7. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
46. 8. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights
47. off?
48. 9. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
49. 10. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
50. 11. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
51. 12. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
52. silent?
53. 13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
54. 14. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
55. 15. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
56. 16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
57. 17. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only
58. endangered plants?
59. 18. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
60. 19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
61. 20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
62. 21. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
63. considered a hostage situation?
64. 22. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
65. still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
66. 23. Is there another word for synonym?
67. 24. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
68. 25. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
69. 26. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown
70. away?
71. 27. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
72. 28. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
73. 29. Why do they report power outages on TV?