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A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting.
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Computers: Working daily to make the human brain obsolete.
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If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.
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A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila”
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The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones.
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Real men don’t use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies.
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If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
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Every program has two purposes — one for which it was written and another for which it wasn’t.
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A computer is almost human – except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer.
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Computers will never replace books. You can’t stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.
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Real programmers don’t document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
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Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
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Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers.
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Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google.
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Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
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Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
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I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code
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Windows 2000: Designed for the Internet. The Internet: Designed for UNIX.
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Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
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A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren’t broken.
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.
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The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
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Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail.
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Of course I know how to copy disks. Where’s the xerox machine?
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SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it.
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Computers: working daily to make the human brain obsolete.
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Best file compression around: “DEL *.*” = 100% compression
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Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
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A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
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Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code.
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All computers run at the same speed…with the power off.
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You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
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True Multitasking = 3 computers and a chair with wheels!
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Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
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A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user.
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Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
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According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
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WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue.
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May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive.
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Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can’t be fixed…
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A program is never finished until the programmer dies.
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Willyoupleasehelpmefixmykeyboard?Thespacebarisbroken!
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Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
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Computer Science: solving today’s problems tomorrow.
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Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once…
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Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
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Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I…
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If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0
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Air conditioned environment – Do NOT open Windows!
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Who’s General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?
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Email returned to sender — insufficient voltage.
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Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
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Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]?
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It said “Insert disk #3”, but only two will fit!
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I hit the CTRL key but I’m still not in control!
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Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
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Bad command or filename. Go stand in the corner.
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(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer.
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Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes…
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Buy a Pentium IV 2GHz so you can reboot faster.
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Be aware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
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To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
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Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
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Cannot load Windows 95, Incorrect DOS Version.
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Windows isn’t a virus, viruses do something.
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But I don’t have an “any key” on my computer!
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Evolution is God’s way of issuing upgrades.
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Programming is an art form that fights back.
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One person’s error is another person’s data.
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Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?.
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Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though.
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Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
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RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
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UNIX: when you can’t afford the very best
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Press any key…no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
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I used to have a life, then I got a computer!
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Home is where the computer is plugged in.
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COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
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Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
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ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
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Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
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Bug? That’s not a bug, that’s a feature.
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Any program that runs right is obsolete.
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Feel lucky???? Update your software!.
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Bugs come in through open Windows.
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To go forward, you must backup.
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One picture is worth 128K words.
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(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
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The more I C, the less I see.
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This time it will surely run.
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The Computer made me do it.
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PC users swear at their PC.
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Hit any user to continue.
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A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
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A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
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According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
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A computer’s attention span is as long as its power cord.
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A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren’t broken.
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Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
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Air conditioned environment – Do not open Windows!
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All computers wait at the same speed.
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All you need to know is the user interface.
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Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
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Any program that runs right is obsolete.
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A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
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A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
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A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
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A program is never finished until the programmer dies.
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ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
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As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
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A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user.
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A user will find any interface design intuitive…with enough practice.
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Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
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Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]?
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Best file compression around: “DEL *.*” = 100% compression
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Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work.”
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Bug? That’s not a bug, that’s a feature.
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Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
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Buy a Pentium 586/200 so you can reboot faster.
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Cannot load Windows 95, Incorrect DOS Version.
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COFFEE.EXE Missing—Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
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Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
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Computer analyst to programmer: “You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.”
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Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying
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Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
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Computer programmers don’t byte, they nibble a bit.
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Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you’d have to do without them.
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Computers are like air-conditioners: both stop working, if you open windows.
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Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
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Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
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Computers can never replace human stupidity.
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Computer Science: solving today’s problems tomorrow.
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Computers follow your orders, not your intentions.
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Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
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Crashing is the only thing windows does quickly.
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Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
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Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
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Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
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Don’t compute and drive; the life you save may be your own.
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Don’t document the program; program the document.
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Don’t hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
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Don’t let the computer bugs bite!
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DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something!
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Email returned to sender — insufficient voltage.
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Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
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Error:015: Unable to exit Windows. Try the door.
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Error: Problem exists between keyboard and chair.
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Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
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Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I…
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Every bug you find is the last one.
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Every time I type ‘win’, I loose …
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Excuse me for butting in, but I’m interrupt-driven.
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Failure is not an option, it comes bundled with the software.
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…..File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
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For any problem there is a solution that is simple, quick, and ultimately worse than the problem.
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Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
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Hi, my name is Any Key. Please don’t hit me!
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Hit any user to continue.
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Home is where the computer is plugged in.
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How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file…
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I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
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If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0.
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If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
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I finally made my stupid computer faster; I dropped it out of the window, and it went really fast.
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If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
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If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
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If your computer says, “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the “OK” button.
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I have a dream: 1073741824 bytes free.
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I haven’t lost my mind; it’s backed up on tape somewhere.
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I hit the CTRL key but I’m still not in control!
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I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
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In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would take many men many months to equal it.
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Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking.
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It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
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It said “Insert disk 3…” but only 2 fit.
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It’s not a bug; it’s an undocumented feature.
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It works! Now if only I could remember what I did…
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I wish life has a scroll back buffer.
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Keyboard : Instrument used to enter errors into computer.
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Keyboard not connected, press F1 to continue.
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MACINTOSH stands for Most Applications Crash If Not The Operating System Hangs.
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Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can’t be fixed…
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Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]
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Melted fruit snacks found on Keyboard. Delete nephew [Y/N]?
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MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers.
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Mommy! The cursor’s winking at me!
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My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
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Never say “OOPS!” always say “Ah, Interesting!”
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No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
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Of course I know how to copy disks. Where’s the xerox machine?
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One person’s error is another person’s data.
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One picture is worth 128K words.
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Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am.
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Owners of digital watches: Your day’s are numbered!
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Press any key…no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
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Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
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Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue….
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Programmers don’t die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
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Programmer’s Time-Space Continuum: Programmers continuously space the time.
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RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.
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Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
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Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
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Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
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Shutting down networkservers reguarly during worktime prevents RSI and develops social contacts at work.
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Speed Kills! Use Windows
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System going down at 1:!45 for disk crashing.
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The box said: ‘install on Wind!ows 95, NT 4.0 or better’. So I installed it on Linux.
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The definition of an upgra!de: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
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The name is Baud……, James Baud.
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The program is absolute!ly right; therefore the computer must be wrong
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The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
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There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
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There are only 10 types of peo!ple in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.”
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There are two ways to write error-free! programs; only the third one works.
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There can never be a comput!er language in which you cannot write a bad program.
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There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.
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These settings will have no effect until you restart the system.
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Those who can, do. Those w!ho cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!
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To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
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To err is human, !but to really foul things up requires a computer.
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User error: replace user and press any key to continue.
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Warning, keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue.
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Who’s General Failure and why’s he reading my disk?
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Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”
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Why do they call this a word !processor? It’s simple, … you’ve seen what food processors do to food, right?
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Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
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Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
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Windows 3.1 not found: (C)heer, (P)arty, (D)ance?
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Windows is NOT a virus. Viruses DO something.
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WINDOWS stands for Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.
!mph of marketing over technology.
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You are making prog!ress if each mistake is a new one.
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You don’t have to know how t!he computer works, just how to work the computer.
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You forgot to do your ba!ckup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you’ll need that version.
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You had mail, but the su!per-user read it, and deleted it!
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You never finish a pro!gram, you just stop working on it.
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Unix is user-friendly. !!It’s just very selective about who its friends are.

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