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A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's~: She changes it more often.
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I never said most of the things I s~aid.
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Do not take life too serious~ly. You will never get out of it alive.
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People who think they know every~thing are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
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Always remember that you ar~e absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
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If you haven't got anything~ nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
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I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has ~given them vodka, and have a party.
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Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
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We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
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A successful man is one ~who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
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Roses are red, violets a~re blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
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I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
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I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
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If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
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Wine is constant proof th~at God loves us and loves to see us happy.
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If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
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No man has a good eno~ugh memory to be a successful liar.
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All right everyone, l~ine up alphabetically according to your height.
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I can resist everythin~g except temptation.
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When you ar~e courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.
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Too much agreement kills a chat.
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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One advantage of talk~ing to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.
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Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
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Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
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Smoking kills. If you're kille~d, you've lost a very important part of your life.
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I found there was only one way to~ look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you ~die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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It takes considerable knowledge just to reali~ze the extent of your own ignorance.
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Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
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There are only three things wome~n need in life: food, water, and compliments.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
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The four building blo~cks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
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I consider that a man's~ brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
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I used to sell furniture for~ a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
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By all means let's be open-minded~, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
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The trouble with hav~ing an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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Drawing on my fine co~mmand of the English language, I said nothing.
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They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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I love fools' experiments.~ I am always making them.
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Any girl can be gla~morous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
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I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.
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There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
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The superfluous, a very ~necessary thing.
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Cleanliness beco~mes more important when godliness is unlikely.
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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize ~I should have been more specific.
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Every cloud has its silver lining but it is som~etimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
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I love Mickey Mouse more than any w~oman I have ever known.
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Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
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I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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Tact is the ability to describe others as they see th~emselves.
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When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for a~n accomplice.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
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Common sense is the collection o~f prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
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Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longe~r despair for the future of the human race.
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I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
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Never floss with a stranger.
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I'm kidding about having only a few dollars~. I might have a few dollars more.
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After all is said and done, sit down.
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It is to be observed that 'angling' is the ~name given to fishing by people who can't fish.
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Older people shouldn't eat healt~h food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
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Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
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So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year
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I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
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I'm like old wine. They don't brin~g me out very often - but I'm well preserved.
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The one thing you shouldn't do ~is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
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If I were two-faced, would~ I be wearing this one
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Include me out.
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Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder
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I like children - fried.
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The next time you have a thought... let it go.
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The reward of energy, enter~prise and thrift is taxes.
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As for our majority... one is enough.
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I may be a living legend, ~but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.
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Have enough sense to know, ah~ead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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A pessimist is a person who has had ~to listen to too many optimists.
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It all started when my dog beg~an getting free roll over minutes.
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Parents are the last people on ear~th who ought to have children.
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Progress might have been ~alright once, but it has gone on too long.
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I like marriage. The idea.
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I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
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I have a very low level of recog~nition, which is fine by me.
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I'm a misplaced American, but ~don't know where I was misplaced.
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Why does everyone think the ~future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek
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It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
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If I want to knock a story off~ the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
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I did not have three tho~usand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
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Why do you have to be a non~conformist like everybody else
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A James Cagney love scene is ~one where he lets the other guy live.
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We owe to the Middle Ages t~he two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder.
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The first time I sang in the~ church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.
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Gambling: The sure way of ge~tting nothing for something.
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A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
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Children are smarter than any ~of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.
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I have tried to know absolutely no~thing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
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My grandmother starte~d walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
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Every man's dream is to be~ able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
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TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
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I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
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I'd luv to kiss ya, but I ~just washed my hair.
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He looked about as inconsp~icuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
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If you can't tell a spoon fro~m a ladle, then you're fat!
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All my children inhe~rited perfect pitch.
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Never fight an inanimate object.
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I was a vegetarian until I start~ed leaning toward the sunlight.
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I failed to make the ches~s tea~m because of my height.
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The tax collector must love poo~r people, he's creating so many of them.
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Yield to temptation. It~ may n~ot pass your way again.
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I'm thankful for the three ~ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
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I rant, therefore I am.
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I have a wonderful ~make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
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As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
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A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
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When I eventually met Mr. R~ight I had no idea that his first name was Always.
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A stockbroker urged m~e to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas
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Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
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I drank some boiling~ water because I wanted to whistle.
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It is a scientific fact that your b~ody will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
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Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
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We are all born mad. Some~ remain so.
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Never put a sock in a t~oaster.
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nny
My uncle Sammy w~as an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at
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Flattery is like c~ologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
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If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
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I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
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I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
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It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
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I recorded my hair this m~orning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
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I'm the only man in the w~orld with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
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As far as I'm concerned, 'w~hom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.
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Let's have some new cliches.
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In comic strips, the pers~on on the left always speaks first.
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If you cannot get ri~d of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
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I no doubt deserve~d my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
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I wear a neck~lace, cause~ I wanna know when I'm upside down.
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Anytime you see a turtle up~ on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.
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If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library
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You're only as good as your last haircut.
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I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
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Only the mediocre are always at their best.
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I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.
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I read part of it all the way through.
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I have a memory like an ~elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met.
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All generalizations are false, ~including this one.
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Why don't you get a haircut?~ You look like a chrysanthemum.
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I am not a member of any ~organized political party. I am a Democrat.
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I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
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You can lead a man to Co~ngress, but you can't make him think.
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Be thankful we're not ge~tting all the government we're paying for.
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Anyone who says he ca~n see through women is missing a lot.
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If two wrongs don't ~make a right, try three.
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Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
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An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.
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What's another word for Thesaurus
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I have had a perfectly won~derful evening, but this wasn't it.
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When I was a boy the Dea~ Sea was only sick.
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Originality is the f~ine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
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People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
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If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
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If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
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Be obscure clearly.
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Men are only as loyal ~as their options.
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I was the kid next doo~r's imaginary friend.
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I was the kid next doo~r's imaginary friend.
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All men are equal~ before fish.
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Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
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Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.
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I don't deserve any credit ~or turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.
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There's a great power i~n words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
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Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
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Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini
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Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.
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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
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I refuse to join any club ~that would have me as a member.
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If women ran the world ~we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
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If this is coffee, please~ bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
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Do not worry about~ avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
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Even Napoleon had his Watergate.
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Every time I see an adult on a bicycl~e, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
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Men are liars. We'll lie about lyin~g if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
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The only time I ever enjo~yed iron~ing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Two wrongs don't make a right, b~ut they make a good excuse.
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If love is the answer, could yo~u please rephrase the question
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Cure for an obsession: get another one.
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An optimist is a fellow who~ believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
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If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
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Expert: a man who makes three~ correct guesses consecutively.
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It has yet to be proven that inte~lligence has any survival value.
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don't have a bank account bec~ause I don't know my mother's maiden name.
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We know that the nature of g~enius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later.
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The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want
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Communism is like one big phone company.
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I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
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Every man has a sane spo~t somewhere.
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What after all, is a halo? It'~s only one more thing to keep clean.
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I have an unfortunate personality.
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Brought up to respect the ~conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
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The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
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When you're in love it's the m~ost glorious two and a half days of your life.
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Every man has his follies - and~ often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
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As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
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There's no such thing~ as soy milk. It's soy juice.
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I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
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A pessimist is a pers~on who has had to listen to too many optimists.
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You see much more of your children once they leave home.
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I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
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Because of their size, par~ents may be difficult to discipline properly.
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I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
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My theory is that all of Sc~ottish cuisine is based on a dare.
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People say that life is th~e thing, but I prefer reading.
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Don't forget Moth~er's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
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Instant gratification takes too long.
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Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
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Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
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Whoever is my relative, I wil~ not be nice to them.
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All the candy corn that was~ ever made was made in 1911.
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There's nothing wrong with~ being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
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I bought some batterie~s, but they weren't included.
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Our national flo~wer is the concrete cloverleaf.
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I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
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One man's folly is anothe~r man's wife.
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We need two kinds of ac~quaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
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What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch
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I distrust camels, and any~one else who can go a week without a drink
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Never take a solemn ~oath. People think you mean it.
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I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
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Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
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There's one thing about ba~ldness, it's neat.
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When God sneezed, I didn't ~know what to say.
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To be or not to be. That's not really~ a question.
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Someone told me that when they go to ~Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.
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There is nothing in the world that I loa~the more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery~ mix in a multiplication of mediocrity.
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Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
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I think they should ~have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
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