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According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
"I'm sorry for the delay," he said, "but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower.
"There is a blind man to see you," she says.
"Well, if he is a blind man, then it does not matter if I'm in the shower, send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them.
She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts, "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?"
There was a blonde who was hurting all over so she went to the doctor. The doctor said, ''Where are you hurting?''
She said, ''Everywhere. See?"
She touched her arm and said, "OUCH!"
She touched her leg and, "OUCH!"
She touched her nose, "OUCH!"
"See?" she cried, " I am hurting all over!''
The doctor laughed and said, ''What you've got is a broken index finger!"
Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?
A: To draw blood.
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.
She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"
Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?
A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!
"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and
women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the
same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in
the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to
catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and
she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church
an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and
he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the
church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually
messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment
at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and
turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to
dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with
Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their
appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their
bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather
lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in
public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively
start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and
almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a
boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake
belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're
too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not
because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a
boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an
early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses.
By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses
unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk,
they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry
if you turn off the TV after they've watched "Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough."Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.""You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon
until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone
who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many
people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody
could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the
bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the
little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little
man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or
what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors
searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said. "Have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an
income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
Called in for an audit, Mr. Briggs was confronted by a surly IRS agent. "It
says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor; yet you claim a dependent
son. Surely this must be a mistake."
Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, "Yup, it surely was."
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He
showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records,
then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant poured over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a
tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns
than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 and Psalms 52:3-4
(lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:
I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I
understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00.
Sincerely,
Taxpayer
P. S. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you
to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "Do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the
Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have
everything."
THEY COME ON APRIL 15TH DEAR
(To the tune It Came Upon a Midnight Clear)
They come on April 15th dear,
To take away our gold.
Tax men unmoved by plea or tear,
It makes your blood run cold.
Oh income tax! You break our backs,
The government takes all.
A thief by any other name
Would never have such gall.
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was
jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about
them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "Only we see stars, too."
TAXPAYER'S LAMENT
Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke (now ain't that the truth);
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
Tax his oil, Tax his gas (again ain't that the truth)
Tax his notes, Tax his cash (oh boy a pattern emerges);
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax his sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still collect inheritance tax.
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all
crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They
were all shouting,"Give me your hand!" But the man would not reach up.
Joe elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he
asked, "What is your profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.
"In that case," said Joe, "Take my hand!"
The man immediately grasped the Joe's hand and was hauled to safety. Joe
turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask a tax man to
*give* you anything, you fools!"
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a
well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he
demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US
Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had
come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr,
we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA.
As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to
eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear
to ear. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
In order to simplify tax collections in the near future, the IRS will issue
a new easier to use tax form. They call it the 1040 Xtra EZ. After your
name, address, and Social Security number, it has only four lines on two
pages:
1040 Xtra EZ To Do Tax Form
US Government. Form Scru-u-R
Page I.
1. How much money did you make this year?
2. SEND IT IN.
Page II
1. Take out a loan for more.
2. Send it all to us.
HOW TO ANNOY THE IRS
(Without Getting In Trouble!)
Well, it's tax time again, boys and girls. So cough it up if you haven't
already! But no one says you have to go gentle into that dark night. Here
are some hints on how to annoy the IRS if you owe them money...
1. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down
the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes
have to take out any staples on the right side.
2. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way.
Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your
staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).
3. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before
you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the
extractor has to open it by hand.
4. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, use a two or three
party check. On top of paying with a third party check, pay one of the
dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how
small an amount, s/he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few
nasty forms.
5. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read
and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.
6. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the
back of a Kroger sack.
7. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ
form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular
business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take
priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your
mess.
8. If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to
your half destroyed form.
9. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the
like have to be removed and put away.
10. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified
and then date stamped.
These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS.
These methods are *only* recommended when you owe money.
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesnt bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, Ive farted at least 20 times since Ive been here in your office. You didnt know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I dont know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent they stink terribly."
"Good", the doctor said, "Now that weve cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds."Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.""From hunger, you mean?""No, from skipping."
George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."
George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.
When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelled back, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."
George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".
The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard."Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.""That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!""What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death." "When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"Thats wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "Whats the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, the souls of your children, parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, whats the catch?"
An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.
A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor.
It's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.
His doctor gives him a choice of available brains.
There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce.
A jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce.
And a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce.
The outraged lawyer says, "This is a rip off! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?"
The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has
provided the answer to, "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with
me everyday. Now I don't see you anymore. I'm lonesome here
and it's difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you
that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of
my love for you, so that you will love me even when you
cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or
unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as
you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And
it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal
was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam
said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem, because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will
be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
'Dog.'"
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved
him.
And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel
came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with
pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he
is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is
loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a
companion who will be with him forever and who will see him
as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations,
so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would
not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he
was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was pleased.
And the Dog was pleased.
And the Cat didn't care one way or the other.
"My wife is an angel."
"Lucky you. Mine's still alive."
There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman, who were going to be shot.
On the day of the executions, they take the Scotsman outside.
"Any last words?", they asked.
He yelled "Earthquake!" and whilst the firing squad were running about in a panic, he climbed the wall and got away.
The Englishman, seeing this, thought he'd try it, so when his turn came.
He shouted "Flood!", and similarly escaped in the ensuing confusion.
The Irishman thought this was a good plan, too so when they asked him for his last words, he yelled "Fire!"
Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015
Dear Mr. Conners,
Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX
At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when
all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
fire, and Luis is cut down is his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.... Ees, a Ham Bush"
Q: What goes, "clip clop, clip clop, bang! bang! bang!
clippity clop, clippity clop?"
A: A drive by shooting in an amish neighborhood!
"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."
Bob and Earl were best friends and had been for 50 years. They went to baseball games together and had the best time possible.
They truly loved the game but they always wondered if there was baseball in heaven and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy and tell them if there was baseball in heaven.
Then one night Earl died and then a few days later Bob went to his funeral and came home after the burial service.
Then the phone rang it was Earl.
Earl said,"Bob is this you"
Bob said,"Yes, Earl how are you doing and is there baseball in heaven?"
Earl said,"Well I've got some good news and some bad news."
Bob said, "Whats the good news?"
Earl said, "Well there is baseball in heaven and you can play with Babe Ruth and everybody its great"
Bob said, "Then what's the bad news?"
Earl said, "Well Bob, your starting pitching tommorow night!"
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
How to be Politically Correct with Women
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY
How To Be Politically Correct With Men
He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.
He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.
He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.
He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.
He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they
were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary
to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are
sleeping!"
Q: Where does a bee pee?
A: At the BP station.
A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet."Are you hurt?" he asked."Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were
discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great
for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We
gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than
that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire Departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!" As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.
After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said - "The first thing we're going to do is fix the blasted brakes on that truck!"
What did Bruce Willis find on the top of Mt. Everest?
Icey dead people.
Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name.
He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence
a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and
with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God,
can't you do something about this storm?"
He looked at her and replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not
management."
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" [Turn from your sin]
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New York," he volunteered. "But she's a spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."
"Really...wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Halfway through their trip, the mother-in-law dies.
So the guy goes to an undertaker, who explains that they can ship the body home, but it'll cost $5,000 or they can bury her in the Holy Land for $150.
"We'll ship her home," says the son-in-law.
"Are you sure?" asks the undertaker. "That's an awfully big expense and I can assure you that we do a very nice burial here."
"Look," says the son-in-law, "two thousand years ago they buried a guy here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."
The friend asks, "How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

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