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If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
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Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
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If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “take two aspirin” and “keep away from children”!!!!!
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If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
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You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
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Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners
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Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories.
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The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common “enemy”.
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Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
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Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it.
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The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
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Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn’t want to wake the children.
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The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of their tires.
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Everywhere children are schooled to become masters at answering questions and to remain novices at asking them.
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The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,… and the second half by our children.
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Don’t teach your children the value of a dollar if they find out , they’ll ask for two.
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Children brighten up a home: They always forget to turn off the lights !
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A teacher is a person who used to think he liked children.
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Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your kids.
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I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.
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You can’t scare me, I have children.
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In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.
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My daughter… she failed her drivers test; she couldn’t get used to the front seat.
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Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
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Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.
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Baby: Morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight bawler.
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I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
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If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?
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Quiet: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
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Familiarity breeds contempt… and children.
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Let the kids pay it – they still owe us rent and gas money.
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What’s the point of having children if you can’t buy their love?
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You make ‘em, I amuse ‘em.
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Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?
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I had an advantage – I slept with his mother.
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There is a special bathroom in heaven for the father of girls.
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When your first baby drops its doll, you sterilize it; when your second baby drops its doll, you tell the dog to “Fetch.”
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Infant Prodigies: Young people with highly imaginative parents.
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Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.
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An allowance is what you pay your children to live with you.
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I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
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My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
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The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
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Americans, indeed, often seem to be so overwhelmed by their children that they’ll do anything for them except stay married to the co-producer.
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The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system; the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn’t have to watch.
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Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.
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Out of the mouths of babes come things parents never should have said.
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Out of the mouths of babes comes cereal.
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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
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Any child who chatters nonstop at home will adamantly refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate for an audience.
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I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don’t know I’m using blanks.
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Then we figured out we could just park them in front of the TV; that’s how I was raised and I turned out TV.
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You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young.
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We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
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I actually adopted a baby; I wanted a highway, but it was a lot of red tape.
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You can learn many things from children… how much patience you have for instance.
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The ambition of every small boy is to wash his mother’s ears.
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Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
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Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
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There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
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There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
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The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant – and let the air out of the tires.
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The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
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If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
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We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
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You might be a redneck if… your child’s first words are “Attention Kmart shoppers!
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Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
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It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.
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There never was a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him asleep.
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Trying to get a little kid dressed is like gift-wrapping an octopus.
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I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
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I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like; it was born 15 minutes ago… it looks like a potato.
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The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
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Any child who chatters nonstop at home will adamantly refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate for an audience.
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My wife and I decided we don’t want children; if someone wants them, we’ll drop them off tomorrow.
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Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
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First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
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I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia; let them walk to school like I did!
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In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.
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We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.
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Little League baseball is a good thing ’cause it keeps the parents off the streets, and it keeps the kids out of the house!
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The sun always rises in the baby’s bedroom window.
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We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill – “He wants his mother.”
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It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.
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I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.
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Children should neither be seen nor heard from… ever again.
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Never raise your hands to your kids… it leaves your groin unprotected.
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A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.
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We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog; well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
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You might be a redneck if… your child’s first words are “Attention Kmart shoppers!
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With Photoshop so readily available, there’s no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.
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Adolescence is that period in a kid’s life when parents become more difficult.
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Bud, don’t be jealous, you’re both of our children. It’s just that Kelly’s our favorite now.
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Baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
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In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.
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You can learn many things from children… how much patience you have for instance.
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With the birth of a child you lose two novels.
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If it tastes good, you can’t have it; if it tastes awful, you’d better clean your plate.
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Teacher: A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
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What the hell is a ‘time out;” when I was growing up, we had black outs.
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Never raise your hand to your children it leaves your midsection unprotected.
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A balanced meal is whatever stays on the spoon en route to a baby’s mouth.
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What’s the advantage of having a kid at 49?… you can both be in diapers at the same time?
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Adolescence is that period in a kid’s life when parents become more difficult.
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If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?
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Raising kids is like being pecked to death by a chicken.
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To be a successful father, there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.
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Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.
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The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.
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Any child who chatters nonstop at home will adamantly refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate for an audience.
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No child throws up in the bathroom.
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There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
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All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.
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It’s really hard being a single mom nowadays – which is why I don’t have children.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Insanity is hereditary – you get it from your children.
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About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
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Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
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A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
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I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
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I learned in my car that I could not have children; it was the day that I locked my keys in my car with the engine running.
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The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.
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Little League baseball is a good thing ’cause it keeps the parents off the streets, and it keeps the kids out of the house!
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There is a special bathroom in heaven for the father of girls.
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If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
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I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.
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You might be a redneck if… your child’s first words are “Attention Kmart shoppers!
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There is no more somber enemy of good art than the pram in the hall.
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Baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
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Kids say the darndest things.
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There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
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An ugly baby is a very nasty object – and the prettiest is frightful.
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Having kids is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
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My daughter… she failed her drivers test; she couldn’t get used to the front seat.
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Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you’re telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.
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We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
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There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
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I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia; let them walk to school like I did!
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Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
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For the parent of a Little Leaguer, a baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into innings.
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A woman never wakes up her second baby just to see it smile.
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Go away kid, you bother me.
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Madam, there’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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There is a special bathroom in heaven for the father of girls.
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Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.
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I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
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My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
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Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.
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The sun always rises in the baby’s bedroom window.
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Few things are mo!re satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.
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We picked out old-fashioned names for our kids; our little boy is Hunter and our little girl is Gatherer.
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Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
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Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.
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My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child; we can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
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You might be a redneck if… you removed the back seat from your car so all yer kids could fit in.
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As a housewife, I fee!l that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I’ve done my job.
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The old system of h!aving a baby was much better than the new system; the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn’t have to watch.
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Parents are the !last people on earth who ought to have children.
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Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.
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A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
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Little League baseball is a good thing ’cause it keeps the parents off the streets, and it keeps the kids out of the house!
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Don’t try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.
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Let the kids pay it – they still owe us rent and gas money.
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I learned in my car th!at I could not have children; it was the day that I locked my keys in my car with the engine running.
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There is no reciprocity; men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.
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Do not, on a rainy day, ask! your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like d!oing, you won’t feel like watching.
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Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
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Tranquilizers w!ork only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath.
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I was raised as an only child… which really annoyed my sister.
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When I meet a man I ask myself, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’
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There are only two thin!gs a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
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A family is a unit compo!sed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
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If we’re all God’s c!hildren, what’s so special about Jesus?
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
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Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
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Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child; she must be found and stopped.
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I can’t have kids because I have white couches.
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Children should neither be seen nor heard from… ever again.
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The ambition of eve!ry small boy is to wash his mother’s ears.
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I have good looking k!ids; thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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Many children t!hreaten at times to run away from home — this is the only thing that keeps many parents going.
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Dressing a baby is like p!utting an octopus into a string bag, making sure none of the arms hang out.
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I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
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The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.
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Kids are wonderful… I like! mine barbecued.
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Learning to dislike children at a!n early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.
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Out of the mouth of! babes… usually when you’ve got your best suit on.
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My mother loved children! – she would have given anything if I had been one.
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You want to look young!er… rent smaller children.
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The best time to give advice to your! children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.
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Cleaning your house wh!ile your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
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Families with babie!s and families without babies are sorry for each other.
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The tooth fairy teach!es children that they can sell body parts for money.
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Never raise your hand to yo!ur children it leaves your midsection unprotected.
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A balanced meal is whatever stays on the spo!on en route to a baby’s mouth.
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There are times when! parenthood seems! nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you.
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The ambition of every sma!ll boy is to wash his mother’s ears.
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I wish to thank my parents for making! it all possible… and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.
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The advantage of having only one c!hild is that you always know who did it.
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You can learn many thin!gs from children… how much patience you have for instance.
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Every book is a childr!en’s book if the kid can read.
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Lawyers, I suppose, w!ere children once.
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Smack your child ever!y day; if you don’t know why – he does.
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The thing that impresses me t!he most about America is the way parents obey their children.
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Parents are the last peo!ple on earth who ought to have children.
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Every child has a right t!o go to high school and end up with a third grade education.
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Setting a g!ood example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.

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